If you want dd back you come and get her.

[Pawslikepaddington]

Grr!! Dd has gone to her grandparents father's house for half term.

Dd was meant to be on a playscheme, but her dad rang up the day before it started saying that he wanted her instead. We are moving abroad in two months, so I thought it would be a good thing for them, so I said yes, despite it being such short notice that I lost £100. I shouldn't grumble, but it is a lot of money to me. Of course, as usual, she has spent one day with xp, and the rest at her grandma's, so they didn't spend the time together anyway.

She is due home tomorrow. Xp then rings and says that he cannot bring her home, so I will have to go and get her. I have had exams all week, so haven't slept well enough to drive a long way (8 hours), so am going to take the train. It's going to cost another £70, but I want to see dd.

However, he is now saying that he can't get to the large station (20 mins by car), I have to get to his mother's out in the sticks, which is only accessible by another train and two buses. We therefore cannot get a train home the same day (my exam finishes at 12pm, so cannot get a train before 1.30 at the earliest). His whole family drive, but obviously not to enable dd and I to get home. Grr!

I don't want to drive there, as my reflexes are too poor and I don't want an accident. I also want to spend the time talking to dd, instead of sticking her in the back of the car with a tape on.

I'm just fed up, as I am constantly messing my life around and forking out money for him to see dd, get no child support or even a thought that it may make money tight elsewhere, and it just makes me so cross that he can be so feckless to any consequences when he is nearly 30!!! I know it is a trivial thing, but it makes me so angry on top of the piles of other things!!!!

That's fucking ridiculous.

I'm so sorry.

At least it's probably the last time.

Gah, that was rather ranty wasn't it! I just keep having to think "it's the last time, it's the last time". Dd is not that keen on going, and I feel dreadful when she sees her dad and screams "noooooo, I want to stay with muuuuuuuuuummmmmmmyyyyyy", as he then says I have been poisoning her against me. She just wants a calm life, it's nothing personal. I just don't know the best way to resolve this, as I want to see her tomorrow, and we have such nice plans for friday (punting on the river, a picnic lunch, and then an afternoon with friends), but it looks like I'm going to have to cancel them all and get her then instead. Grrr!! Why didn't I see this side of him before I had dd!!

that's so unfair.
next time be careful.
he will do the same stuff.

Oh dear, I really feel for you and your DD because he sounds like an utter nightmare.

You know, his behaviour is NOT your fault, so PLEASE stop enabling him to behave like this, forking out money etc. That is just not fair on you! And you are ebtitled to grumble at losing £100 - that is a lot of money.

You say yourself DD is not that keen on seeing him so if he wants to see your DD then he comes to her - don't ask, or negotiate - tell him (I learnt this the hard way).

If it's not convenient for him to 'have' DD then don't drop everything so he can, say 'no we've made other arrangements'.

Just a suggestion, could you get a taxi from station to parents, just to make things easier on yourself? Or if you can't afford both ways, maybe from there to the station?

You're moving abroad though!

I would be insane by now if I hadn't relocated to differnt country. My extremely unreasonable X is incapable of seeing anything from any POV other than his own, and doesn't care about inconveniencing anybody else - in fact, he regularly whines that something which hugely inconveniences me is the least I could do... yet he would never ever make a concession of any description for me... so, what can I say except BON VOYAGE! Enjoy your the next stage of your life.

Being really practical, do you have a friend who could drive for you? Seems to me that driving is the best and easiest option but not for you to drive (if that makes sense).

Sorry, but my response would be "shall I send the police to collect her?"

I know, totally OTT and not doable anyway, but that would be my gut reaction.

YANBU. He is being an arse.

He is behaving like this in order to punish you. As others have said, tell him that you are not going to run round after him any more, don't cancel any arrangements you have made and tell him that he can see DD by coming to her. Keep a note of everything he has done so far to cause you inconvenience - he will almost certainly threaten you with legal action but it won't get him anywhere as his behaviour is so obviously abusive and not about him building a relationship with his DD at all.

Happycopter, you are not far off here. I would be tempted to send him and his parents the bill for all the travel for both you and her. The gps are just as culpable here, imo. Let them sort it all out with their son.

How about calling the grandparents and telling them to get her to the station or you will call the police on them? Then pick her up at the station and take the next train home.

And no more making it easy for him to get his kicks by running roughshod over you. Let him go to the trouble and expense next time. If he dares, you will need to have your previous experience documented, as SGB says.

I have to say that I am totally appalled at his behaviour. I am a stepmum and we drive 2 hours each way on Fri and Sat nights on the boys weekend with their Dad and in 5 years we have never had his EXW drive anywhere to collect or drop off.

Likewise if she has them booked into clubs of some sort and we would like to take them with us - if she has paid the money and the place is booked then that's that.

In future you should stick to your plans and I think you need to rebuild trust in your access arrangements starting with short, local visits so he can show he can do everything from collection to drop off.

I am really sorry for you and your daughter.

Another point to mention is that if we are going to be late we text her as far in advance as possible because it could have a knock on effect of her plans after we drop off.

I have to say it is dads like this that make it so much more difficult for kids to get good, regular access to both parents.

I agree with happycopter. He's a grown up. If he can't arrange to get his daughter home then tough shit he's blown it.

He should travel down to you next time.

o my goddness the world is full of these mind playing waste of space immature fools. tell him to get a life and go and bully someoneelse who cares. what a complete twat of a man he is. PLEASE stop appeasing his every whim and demand. you are doing yourself no favors by letting twatfeatures call the shots over you.i,m aghast that you are £170 out of pocket through him.your reflexes are very poor, giving that you reached into your purse for that amount of money!!! to accomodate him.would it do your child any good if you did have an accident? no.it would leave her in the hands of an irresponsible loser that is her father.who she screams i want to stay with mummy!! so a great time is not what she is having whilst on these visits with him.tell him next time he can visit your child nearer to her home.or even a contact centre where she feels secure.not ideal but a piece of mind and less travelling and nonsence for you.and no more messing about from him.