Packing clothes for visits/holidays etc...(bit of a petty moan)

[WillowM2B]

Bit of background: ExH and I have been divorced for 9 years and we have 2 DC (nearly 12 and 9).

Every other weekend without fail (for the last 9 years!) I pack up their bag of clean, ironed clothes (incl PJ's and undies) for them to take up to their Dad's for the weekend.

Without fucking fail I get "next time can you pack more warm clothes/better shoes/waterproofs etc.." when he drops them back. Clothes unwashed.

He has them for a week at Easter, 2 weeks in the summer hols and a week at Xmas too (yes, yes, yes I KNOW I am lucky) and without fail they have clothes packed for these hols by me. Takes me fucking ages. For the clothes to return back unwashed.

its been gnawing away at me for some time and this year is slightly different. ExH has informed me that he is taking them abroad this year which will obviously mean they will require well....summer clothes...more summery than they would wear in England anyhow.

I cannot afford to buy essentially a new wardrobe for them both and plus I really dont want to be bloody well packing a fortnights clothes for them (knowing full well the whole fortnights clothes will come back unwashed) as I will have a 3/4 week old baby to be dealing with as well by then.

I know very well I am very lucky that he has the DC's etc...I am not naive nor stupid regarding that issue BUT did I make a rod for my own back when he first left?

I could leave it up to the DC's to pack for themselves but I know DC1 would just pack 1 pair of boxers and turn them inside out every few days (he did this at camp...)

I appear to be rambling. What arrangements have others in this situation got wrt clothes?

I would speak to him or email him and say you're unsure what to pack for the children as you seem to get it wrong all the time (as us dainty women always do ) and suggest he pick up the clothes next time he does his grocery shopping - ie at tesco/asda. You can tell him the childrens clothes sizes or he can take them with him. Then say that maybe he should keep these clothes at his house so he has clothes there.

Another suggestion is send the children with dirty clothes in the suitcase as your washing machine has broken/or you just assumed they'd be clean from last time (silly female )

... rod for your own back.

ex has his own supply of clothes for dc.

after about 3 weeks of sending suitcases with the dc he was informed to get his own supply of clothes and do his own washing and ironing for the kids after he dared to complain i hadn't dressed them appropriately on the 3rd wkd.

you have allowed this for YEARSSSS!!!

DSS has a full wardrobe of clothes here. DD's Dad and I split when she was 8, so she had 'favourite' clothes that used to go with her and clothes at her Dad's. Now she's nearly 16 (OMG) she packs her own bag. (And buys and launders her own clothes.)

Think you've been a bit OTT packing little suitcases, but hey, we all get into patterns of behaviour. I'd just be honest; tell him you won't be able to sort out holiday wear this year due to the baby and leave it to him.

Oooh, I know I've been a bit of a twat really and made a rod for my own back - its just trying to find the courage to sort it out now this late in the game. I just like to make sure the DC's have access to clean, tidy clothes at all times. I suppose its the only control I actually have wrt visiting their Dad?

He is so damn unreasonable and confrontational at times ("I pay you good money every month - I shouldnt have to buy basic items as well - maintenence should cover it") He actually tells this to the DC's as well. Apparently I am "rolling in it" this is coming from someone who earns well, well in excess of £50k not counting his wifes earnings...

Anyway, that aside I think I will do as Tanga says and be honest that I'm not going to be up to it. I will get rolled eyes and some snidey remark but I am prepared for that.

Its funny, its not often I moan about the ExH even though I have damn good reason to half the time but there are times that he really bloody winds me up.

Cheers

WillowM2B - I do exactly the same for my daughter (2.9) I send a full bag of lovely, clean, ironed clothes, neatly packed with it all co-ordinated together (he hasn't a clue and puts together awful outfits), I get it back all scrunched up (even if not worn) and unwashed. BUT I do this for her, not him because I want her to have nice, clean clothes that actually fit her!

You have a point but if you left it to him, would your DC's be upset with his choice of clothes for the holiday? I bet you get nice stuff for them, compared to what he would get them? Could you not compromise and ask him to contribute more money towards the holiday clothes?

To be honest I'd be happier with this. When ex-h and I split up, he demanded I give him half the dc's wardrobes (at the time it was pushing three nights a fortnight so I politely declined, and sent a bag with a few scruffier items).

He then told me he had the right to decide what I spent maintenance on, and insisted I buy Next outfits for them (a shop he's never set foot in but when we were married I bought the dc's clothes from there) and send them all to him for them. As a full time student and single parent, noone in our house is wearing Next clothes!

Then it went through the stage of if I'd send them in a decent outfit, he'd return them in something awful and three sizes too small. I've now given up and send them in the skankiest of clothes I can dreg up. I feel awful but he can do as he pleases with them.

I wash and iron all of my DSS's clothes and they don't get sent back to his Mum's until they are done.
Tell him to do the same and don't take no for an answer!

Hi Willow. I would class that as one of those "pick your battles wisely" moments. In the grand scale of things, its not a biggie.

I used to have a major problem with my ex who was too stupid to return clothes. Each visit I would deliver them in their clothes and school uniform in a bag. I'd get the kids back from school in uniform but no clothes.

When I asked my ex for clothes back she insisted she didn't have any. So i started to send them in cheap Asda/Tesco Value stuff only to be told weeks later that the kids were looking "a bit scruffy"

It wasn't rocket science. Kids come in clothes & uniform. Return in uniform. You have a big pile of clothes you didnt buy..... but hey, if my ex used logic perhaps she wouldn't be an ex after all!

Thanks to others who have since replied. Some replies on this thread have made me chuckle Its interesting to hear how people manage little issues like this.

Its not something I ever really thought about until now and would have probably carried on as I am for the next 9 years but being pregnant and due in 5 weeks I'm thinking of ways to a) minimise costs and b) totally abolish minimise any form of unecessary housework!

i just wanted to say, i am a step mother and i get in trouble from DSD mother for sending her clothes back washed! apparently i am overstepping the boundry.

DSD has her own wardrobe of clothes here and at her mothers but sometimes things get moved between homes. The clothes we get back from her mother always come back dirty and scrunched. Once DSD had spag bol at her mothers while wearing clothes from here. Being about 5 at the time she ended up wearing most of it. The clothes were chucked into a shopping bag and chucked into the bin cupboard for a week until the next time DH was over there. The stains never came out.

But anyway, in relation to your situation, i dont think it is unreasonable for your ExH to provide the kids with clothes that are kept at his house. Personally i find it strange that he hasnt, particularly if he wants the kids to feel like the have a home with him as well as with you. We always took the view it would be difficult for DSD to feel truly like part of our family if she was living out of a suitcase while she was here iyswim.

Just phone him and say you're not going to be able to organise the clothes this year. Could he pick up a few things for them, and they can ve washed thrugh ever other day on holiday... Just say it like there is nothing unusual about it.

If he says he shouldnt have to cover things like that, the maintenance should cover it, then tell him that even cleaners expect their cleaning products to be provided usually

Willow Im a step mum to a 7yo DSD. She has a full set of clothes/toiletries etc here. We NEVER use clothes from her mothers. She has everything she needs here.
I think your ex is taking the piss, he should provide everything that they need when they are in his care IMO.

It's interesting reading this as I can see both sides. I moved out with the kids 2 months ago, leaving my ex alone in the 5 bed marital home (don't ask!) I felt that as primary carer, the girls live with me and our new house is their home. Maybe it might seem extreme, but I brought everything with me from their bedrooms when I moved, leaving only bedding and furniture.

Sometimes their Dad keeps clothes there and washes them, but more usually the girls repack them and bring them home.

Know how you feel. This used to be a source of huge conflict for me. He once returned a bag with 20 pairs of school socks he had 'found'!!!

I now always pack a bag with everything the kids need and it always comes back with a pile of dirty clothes but at least it comes back now. I also pack for all of their holidays, ski gear etc as their dad is pretty disorganised and I cant bear the tought of them not being properly kitted out and cold. Sometimes he gets stuff washed but mostly I have given up on this one.

I just take responsibility for clothing the kids myself now. the kids are properly dressed and we are all much happier