Moral compass/ keeping secrets

[pinky23]

Can anyone offer up some tactical advice please, I am sure that my DS dad has been telling him to retain information from myself. Last week he said "why cant I say nothing to nobody?". I dont think there is anything sinister going on but I do feel he is encouraging him to have two separate lives and to tell lies.

This usually happens when I have approached his dad about something Oscar has told me like eating sugar puffs at dads, everyday stuff like that which dump him in the poo. I try to approach it as a joke but he seems to take it out on my DS.

Im worried this is going to escalate and could have more sinister meaning ie what if a bully or worse tells him the same thing and he doesnt feel he can speak out.

I dont pump him for information but I want to make sure he doesnt feel he has to hide things from me and all that goes along with that.

Do you think I should bring the subject up in front of my son so my ex has no way of getting out of it if he tries to do this again.

I think that just puts the child under more pressure. Just keep reinforcing the message to your DS that he can tell you anything without worrying about it and that you would never be cross with him about it.

Fact is, you can't do anything about your ex possibly encouraging him to keep things from you, and TBH if it's just stuff about sugar puffs why bother? He's going to get more guarded if you tell daddy off about the things DS does tell you.

I'd leave it with 'Did you have a good time?' and not ask any further questions - he will then offer info if he's concerned about something. (My DSS does this.)

Hi there Tanga

thanks I think you are right the pressure would be too much, I am concerned what it may turn into not the fact that he is feeding him sugar puffs every other wend - that would be silly!.
I just hope he will offer info if he is concerned about anything, he seems very guarded if I ask him any questions about this subject.

It is really hard, specially when you are concerned, but any kind of questioning, no matter how jokey, just seems to make them clam up. But honestly, the more space I give him, the more he tells me. How old is he?

pinky, I think Tanya's right. Just keep reassuring ds that he can always tell you anything.

Important to have a word with your ex about secrets though, in the context of protecting children from the risk of ever being abused. I think the advice is that they need to know never to keep secrets from Mummy and Daddy. And that if anyone ever says 'Don't tell Mummy and Daddy' that person is very wrong indeed. Abusers commonly threaten children that Mummy or Daddy would be upset, or get ill, or be cross if the child told. Might be worth looking on the NSPCC website in case there's any advice there.

The way I broach it with ds is that he can tell Mummy and Daddy anything and that the only secrets that are OK are nice ones, like surprise presents (and either Mummy or Daddy or both have to know about surprises).

Hi there

he is 3 .5 yrs old and v bright so Im hoping he wont take any crap- he certainly doesnt from me!. I have told him that there should be no secrets from mummy and that he needs to tell me everything so I can keep him safe he seems to accept this and he does offer things up like someone slapped me at nursery they were small and round!! and got time out, I found lots of worms in Daddys garden was another one bless him.

My ex and I do sometimes discuss what he has done at the weekend on handover and DS knows that we are exchanging some information.

All of this is not helped by the fact that my ex keeps in contact with my father from whom I am estranged and he could be taking lessons from him in how to manipulate him.

I watched my father teach my younger half siblings how to decieve and disrespect there mum! It didnt really work as 3 of them now live with her as adults!. But they are all very guarded as they have been brainwashed into this type of taking sides mentality and all have serious self confidence issues as a result.

I wont say anything tomorrow and you are right the more space he has the more he will open up.

Thankyou edam/Tanga x

Glad the thread has helped. Dunno about your little boy, but mine tends to tell me stuff when we are doing something else. If I question him directly, he often doesn't give a very full answer. The old 'so what did you do at school today?' 'oh, nothing...' But when he's in the bath, or tucked up in bed, or we are walking down the road, he will start to tell me about what Miss Frank said in literacy, or about two of his friends falling out, or all sorts of other stuff.