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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

exp abroad - access?

10 replies

braidsherhair · 27/05/2010 20:42

anybody else in similar situation to me?

Exp and I were already exes when I got pregnant (farewell shag). Shortly after I took the test, he moved to Paris and promptly fell in love with a french woman.

He is on the birth cert, but only sees ds once every 6 weeks as I live in London.

At the moment, he is happy to come and see him here, and says this level of access suits him as he and french gf are busy being loved up and ttc. Relations between us are good (I ended our relationship, so wish him luck in this new one) but I'm worried that he will want ds to stay with them in Paris soon. I'm not keen on this until he's at school at least. Can exp win a court order specifying that ds must stay with them in France, say every six weeks for a weekend? I'm not sure I can cope with my baby being in a different country from me when so young - especially with a father he only sees every six weeks.

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braidsherhair · 27/05/2010 21:49

bump?

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northlondonmumma · 27/05/2010 22:57

hi there, dont worry based on the legal advice, i have received, courts unlikely to grant overnight access if you were not in agreement for child under 5 or so. You refer to your baby so assume, he i younger.

i am sure lots of other parents can give you advice on what their views on this/ possible compromises (he stays in hotel down the road and gets used to taking your son overnight there initially and builds up contact).

However, bottom line and whether its fair or not, courts highly unlikely to grant such an order....

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cestlavielife · 27/05/2010 23:29

thing is you phrasing it as YOU not being able to cope - you need to turn it round - could your baby cope?

prob yes if dad is loving and caring and if you in london is only 2.5 hours on train each way.

maybe regularly staying for long weekend every six weeks would actually be good?

my ds stayed with granparent sin spain whne he was 11 months old - i didnt like it but he was absolutely fine!

ie is more about you than the child...if the dad is caring, loving etc then why not?

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braidsherhair · 28/05/2010 08:46

thanks north - cestlavie yes, you're completely right, it about me. Dad is very loving and caring but has still only seen ds 12 times in his life. He puts nappies on back to front, has never made a bottle of formula, prepared any food for him or seen ds when he's ill. So the reason why I wouldn't cope is because i'm not sure ds would cope either.

so north when you say 'if you were not in agreement', do you mean bc there is no residency order for exp, he would be unlikely to get overnight until ds is 5? That seems quite steep - I'd be happy for an overnight from say, 2.5 if it were in the same country. Should I get some kind of residency order stating that?

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cestlavielife · 28/05/2010 10:29

i dont see the foreign country argument - paris is practically next door - would be longer to get to scotland from london...

thin is you say you worried he will want =- has he even ASKED you yet?

dont think you ened to go to court yet - try adn sit down and agree a build up to ,long weekends...

iof he ttc with gf he will soonn enough elarn how to take care of a baby!

fretting over back to front nappies is one to drop tbh - so long as baby isnt haded back to you soaked thru and nappy rashed then no problem...

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Tanga · 28/05/2010 22:05

I think that 'legal' advice is very dodgy - my DH got overnight contact ordered when DSS was under two despite very strong opposition from his ex. Cafcass's own guidelines suggest overnight contact as appropriate from 12-18 months.

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braidsherhair · 28/05/2010 23:31

But presumably your ex had seen his dss more than 12 times at that point, Tanga?

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Tanga · 29/05/2010 15:34

Certainly, braidsherhair, I just didn't want the OP to think a court would simply say no to overnight contact until the child was 5 - I really don't think that is usual. Obviously this is a relatively rare case and I don't think OP has much to worry about as the Dad hasn't even asked about overnights yet.

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pinky23 · 29/05/2010 15:43

Hi there

I separated when my son was 12 months old his Dad has had overnights every other wend since he was 18 months at his home 2 hrs away.

I know how harrowing it feels when your baby is so young the best thing if the request comes is to agree to build it up slowly that way you all get used to it . Cafcass do not like sudden changes for children.

I hope it gives you some comfort that now my DS IS 3.5 I feel totally at home with overnights ( I enjoy the break) and also holidays. It is only natural that you feel this way now but when he/she is older you will not feel so panicked-

Hope this helps

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lindsaygii · 29/05/2010 18:52

Babies are more robust than we give them credit for, and they don't really mind if their nappies are on back to front. ;)

I had to get mine picked up from nursery by a childminder he knows, taken home, fed, bathed and put to bed the other week. (10 months old) I was worried the whole day. He didn't bat an eye. Had a great time. Grrr!

I don't have the option of a dad to do overnights, but I would say that having DS go off for weekends will probably be something you come to look forward to, as it's a real bit of respite for you.

The sooner you try it out, the sooner he can start getting used to it. Could you maybe organise a little weekend in Paris with a girlfriend and drop DS off with dad so you can go out for a proper night?

I know I'm not in the same boat, just a thought.