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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Feeling so down

7 replies

Blef1974 · 27/05/2010 17:58

Hey there, I am noob. I have three DD's aged 12, 10 and 5 and I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I have been on my own for over 5 years now (long story) and my elder DD's are from my marriage while my younger DD is from a relationship which never really took off tbh.

Older DDs' dad made a choice to stop seeing them while I was pregnant with youngest DD and youngest DD's dad has only been in her life for the past year but is trying hard to be a good dad now.

I feel absolutely drained at the moment. DD 1 is just pre-puberty and it's like living with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one minute she says that I am the best and funkiest mum around, the next minute she is yelling at me and saying I hate her or favour the little one over her. She is also mega confident and will try and take over from me.

DD is 10 and is still grieving for her dad. She has Dyspraxia and anger problems and is very jealous that the younger one's dad is involved in her life. She explodes at the drop of a hat, hasn't got many friends at school, but she is also funny and clever and has a huge heart and can be so thoughtful and generous.

The little one is 5 and I can see that I have to become more disciplined with her as she won't sleep in her own bed at night, she has her dad's full attention every other weekend and she is picking up bad habits from her sisters.

I try really hard with the girls but I feel like I am shovelling snow in a blizzard. It's like they have no respect for me, our house, our car. I feel like I am always being yelled at, or spoken to nastily by one of the older ones. I am constantly exhausted as I never have a moment to myself. They don't go to bed and just go to sleep, it's chaos every night. My house looks like a bomb has hit it every morning when they go to school and every night when I get them upstairs.

I just don't know how to keep going. My batteries are going flat. I really try to use a positive parenting approach, praising them for their achievements no matter how small. Their behaviour outside the house is brilliant, the nasty comments, the shouting at me, the tantrums etc are all just reserved for me when I am in the house with them. I really don't know where to go from here.

My mum says I need to be firmer with them, but I don't spoil them. They don't get everything they want materially. They haven't ever been in any trouble at school and are doing well educationally. My 10 year old is set to start some more counselling to help with her anger issues and her feelings about her dad going.

However I just feel like I have had enough. I love my girls desperately, but I don't feel that they respect me or care whether they hurt my feelings. I am really struggling to keep on the path. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke or do any drugs. I just feel like I am not coping with the responsibility of these three girls at the moment.

OP posts:

Hodie · 27/05/2010 18:21

My daughter is 12, approaching 13 and is very much like your description. Up one minute, down the other. I feel as if I don't know who she is anymore. Unfortunately, I can't comment on having three girls, but I can imagine how frustrating things are for you at the moment.

Have you tried talking to a therapist/councillor about how you are feeling? If you can't afford a private one, go and see your GP. You may have to wait longer on the NHS, to see someone, but it should help you get through this difficult patch. Sorry I can't give you more helpful advice, but I hope this might be a step in the right direction. Good luck.

webwahm · 27/05/2010 20:17

Blef1974, I could have written that post except my kids are 8, 7 and 18mths.

In the past I was prescribed Prozac, and it did really help.

Just about to have tea, and DD1 is bawling that she's broken her jaw (!) but saw this and quickly wanted to say keep coming here and letting off steam because it helps.

ninah · 27/05/2010 20:22

sorry you are going through this blef, my dc are a lot younger and we haven't hit puberty yet so no advice on that front but just a thought, since your mum is so keen to dish out advice maybe she could have them for a weekend while you go away, b&b or something, bit of rest and space? they will miss you and have chance to think - maybe you could talk it over with older two when you get back?

Merle · 27/05/2010 20:27

Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. Does you have access to a parent support advisor, through either of the schools that your children attend? I've used one before and found it helpful.

ChocolatePants · 27/05/2010 20:29

Sorry you are going through this- it sounds like you just need friends to share with, tbh....I am in a similar situation- 3 DCs, biggest really kicking off, similar but different, iyswim?

BUT- I have friends to talk to, makes a massive difference- cos THEY have, collectively, done it all before me, and give loads of support.;

Any friends, or other mums in rl you can share with?

If not, there should be loads of people on this site who understand too

I feel how you describe all the bloody time.

My eldest called me a 'fucking c* the other day, he has also been excluded from school twice and I have a bruise the size of an apple on my hand where he kicked it in temper as I was sat on the sofa.

i only write this to make you feel a bit better..as in..there ARE people out here who are struggling too!

Just try to stay calm...

Original poster

Blef1974 · 27/05/2010 21:11

Thank you guys. It's lovely to know that there are people who can empathise.

My mum is great at talking but it's a struggle to get the support I need from her. I have tried and tried but she has a new husband who comes first.

If I am being honest I don't have loads of friends. My best friend lives in Oxfordshire and I live in Newcastle. I guess I am pretty shy too, we moved to where we are living now in March and while I had 4 friends where I used to be I don't really know any other mums in the school playground here. I just find it difficult to talk to people and I don't mean to be judgemental but a lot of the parents in the school playground look quite chavvy, that sounds awful I know. I don't mean to be. I just can't find things to talk to the other parents about.

I love my girls, I really do. They just wear me out. And I want to get a job so I can show my girls that you have to work to get things you want. My confidence just seems shattered at the moment.

OP posts:

MavisEnderby · 27/05/2010 21:25

Keep strong xx

I am not a lone parent (Though could be soon as my dp is currently very sick in intensive care)

Look what you have done,you have coped with your 3 girls,by yourself.Mine are only little and I am dreading the teenage years.

Can you talk to your GP?(It is extra hard if you have a sn child,my littlest has sn)

You sound very grounded and sensible.It is not suprising you are tired.Can you see if you can get some extra help?Currently I ahve some for dd and her learning issues.

Re other parents,I know it is hard but try to make an effort to chat.I am not a natural born chatter but several of the mums in ds school are now aware of how sick my dp is and have offered to take ds for playdates etc and have been lovely even those I don't know very well,so though it is daunting it can be worth the effort to try to chat.And as for "Chav" the one who has been lovliest to me is the one who is covered in tats and you would presume to be "chavvy" so don't judge a book by its cover,you may be pleasantly suprisedI found that just chatting about stuff related to school and so on broke the ice,or even the weather,that good old British standby.

Take care,Mavis xx

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