If MY ex was YOUR ex would you let him have contact with DS?

[Elloeise]

I could really do with some advice and other peoples input/views please.

Ds is 6, when i was 7 mths pregnant with him ex got someone else pregnant (he had been seeing us both for at least 4 mths without my knowledge but with hers). I said on your bike as i could never trust him again.

They stayed together and went on to have 3 DC.

Ex knew when i had ds and that he could contact me but never bothered. I have kept in contact with most of his family, we sometimes saw each other in passing in town but never spoke (he would hurry awy with his head down)

6 years down the line they have just split up and hes know decided hes been missing out on DS and wants to see him and has apperently "thought about him every day"

My problem is do i let him???

My mum says im lucky to have had as long as ive had without him and said nothing else on the subject, my DP says not to let him and i dont know where i stand.

The only time he has been around DS he started quizing him on what his school jumper looked like, which i can only think was to find out which school he is at.

I would really appicate any input please in sorry its so long!

I can't see any reason not to.

Yes you do let your ds have contact with his father, and let it be that way

it is your dc right to be allowed to see his father and try to have a relationship.

If you are not sure then perhaps just take the steps of organising this and be matter of fact with both of them about to not show your own thoughts on the matter...

If he wasn't abusive I can't see any reason to stop him seeing DS. I can see that it must be hurtful that he hasn't bothered before now.

I would definitely start off contact slowly, just an hour or so at a time for DSs sake and you need to have a nice calm and adult conversation about what is best for DS not either of you. Best of luck x

The guy may be a jerk but it is best not to punish your son for the sins of the father.

Children especially boys can really benefit from a father figure well at least a positive father figure.

Well, the Court would grant contact in this case I would think, as there don't seem to be any welfare concerns about contact per se. I think if it was me I'd also think that it was right for my child to have a relationship with his father, if possible. I'd worry about explaining to the child in the future why I hadn't encouraged contact, tbh.
However, I would want it to start up very gradually with an emphasis on the child getting to know his father slowly. Do you get on with any of his family? Is there a location where you would feel comfortable meeting him with your ds? Do you feel able to be there with them at first? If not is there someone who could?

Im going through the beginnin of this situation and to be honest yes you shudnt shut him out but he has shut his son out for that long why shud you make the effort now, he cant just pipe up now and get what he wants, he needs to respect your feelings and do this at your pace so u feel comfortble with set up ,you set the scene and giv him the terms and he can build ur trust that way, its gunna be hard to let go and try n let him back into ur lives but do it at your own pace. hope this helps

Thank you all, your right if i take my personal feelings out of the equasion (sp?) and look into the situation it would be wrong of me not to at least try.

I soupose its just that in my mind DS is still my baby and i want to protect him from his father hurting him the way he hurt me.

Along with the fact that im angry that hes only decided to bother with DS know hes a part time dad to all of his children instead of a full time one to his others and not intrested in DS

Good luck poopeeplops i hope it all works out for you, you know thats just how i feel guess in just going to have to suck it up and hope hes a better man know that he was.

You have to let him have contact with your DS.

He poses no risk to your DS does he? So you need to put your personal feelings aside.

Also your DS now has 3 siblings and hopefully this is a chance for him to get to know them - so even if the relationship with his Dad isn't great, chances are he'll get something positive from relationships with his siblings.

A friend of mine was married to a guy in the forces, not ready for the responsibility of children, left when her DS was very little and wasn't around for years. Remarried, went on to have two other kids and made contact when that marriage broke up. She let him get to know her DS and they have a great relationship now - in fact he's a very proud grandad, and does loads of free childcare. People can change.

I didnt think about his relationship with his siblings i just asumed as they are with there mother he wouldnt be allowed to see them.

However your right espically as ther is only 4 mths age gap between DS and his eldest half brother when they get older it could be great for them to have that bond

Just because they are with the mother, why wouldn't he be allowed to see them?

it is your ds relationship with his dad - if his dad is now keen then build gradually, eg meet in cafe or parka dn you near by, then gradually build up over weeks/months.

if it goes well then great!

take your feelings out of it...

This sort of thing seems to divide opinions but I'm in a similar sort of situation.

I'm 6 months pregnant with my first child, the father left the second he found out but now he wants back in after 6 months. It's proving to be the hardest thing for me trying to let him back in & trust him enough, 'for the sake of my baby,' (which is a phrase I've read A LOT on this website.)

I'm trying very hard. I'm offering the oppurtunities to get involved, come with me to appointments, ante natal classes, to join me in picking up some nursery things for when the baby arrives but each & every time, he always has something else going on. He's never been the first one to call or text or email, it's always me chasing him up & when I call him out on this, he says I'm being crazy, of course he wants to be involved, blah blah blah. I left a message for him 8 hours ago asking if he wanted to come with me to a babybond scan I've booked for next week as he has missed all the other scans. So far he hasn't replied & I'm very embarassed & angry with myself for even bothering.

When he left I was devastated & hoped beyond all belief that he would come back, but in time, I began to just get on with my baby & I appreciate what I do have. I even began to find some happiness.

However, now that he is back, I'm miserable again. I'm unsure, unconfident, frustrated, tired, depressed. I've cried alone in bed every day that he's been back whereas before, I hadn't cried since a fortnight after he left. He has a way of making me feel silly & foolish, like I'm pestering him or bothering him when HE'S the one who asked to be back in my life. And all this he's doing to me. I hate to think what it will be like when I have my little boy. Now I find myself remembering that old saying, 'be careful what you wish for.'

And all this is just 6 months of absense. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have the father try & get in after 6 years of being gone.

I find it incredibly hurtful & a little insulting when so many people say, 'put your feelings out of it, your child deserves to know his father, think of your child,' as though that's what we haven't been doing this whole time. Everybody's situation is unique & there's so much more that goes on in peoples stories than what gets written in these posts.

If it was me, after 6 years, I would say no. I would tell him to stay away. If my child had been happy having just me for the past few years becasue he hadn't known any better, then I would continue on that way. I wouldn't open the can of worms of having to explain to my baby that yes he did have a father this whole time, he just didn't want him.

Thats all I can offer, my personal opinion. I just know that I'm in a situation now of having let my baby's father back into our lives & I wish more than anything that I hadn't.

The problem is Littlebeth, it isn't ultimately your decision whether your child should have a relationship with their other parent. If that parent went to court to gain access, unless they were a risk to the child, it would (gradually) be given because that is their right.

(the child's, not the parent)

allow ds to try to get to know his dad.

small visits to start with someone present if that makes you feel at ease.

a relative of yours perhaps.

i think your personal feeling against ex will filter into the atmosphere between ds and his dad. not good for building a bond which could be a very valuable one for your ds to have.

How does your DS feels about it? what does he know about his father?

From the point of view of the father and what you have said, and not knowing anything about your child. I would say that it is ok and safe, and even desirable that he has contact with his dad.

But if this has the potential to hurt your child emotionally, I would perhaps give it a lot of thought and would like to talk to the father to see exactly what he is expecting, how to go about it, and if he can be trusted not to ignore your child suddenly in the near future.

My advice may sound a bit over the top, but, well, I have a cousin who got married very young and she and her husband split before the baby was born. Father met another woman who then marry and never show any interest on his son, albeit his family did. Through out these years, every time child and dad bumped into each other, dad pretended not to know him which my nephew finds incredibly hurtful.

My cousin got married again when her DS was about 3, in the last 12 years, her child has been calling his stepdad "Dad" and although he is now old enough to decide whether he wants to see his dad or not, I wonder if I would be completely happy to disrupt the life of a younger child by introducing a father that may not be arsed, again, in the future. Having said that, I think your DS wouldn't forgive you if he realised his dad wanted to meet him and you didn't allow it.

Difficult situation...

I know ChocHobNob, it's difficult. I simply go off what I have witnessed of people being denied by their fathers. My older brothers biological father showed minimal interest until my brother turned about 12. Having his dad disappear to start a new family when he was just turning 12 - my brother never EVER got over that. Now my brother is 28 & has a lot of issues and problems. He made terrible choices, drugs, drinking, he self harms, he's on seriously strong anti depressants, he has seperation issues, emotional issues, he tried to take his life a few weeks ago & he claims that all this would never have happened to him if he hadn't been rejected. And every chance he gets, my brother blames my mother & my father (who is a wonderful man and father & has treated him as his own since he was 2!) for EVERYTHING. Everything that ever went wrong in his life he says is is their fault. Me and my younger brother are biologically my mothers & fathers but because my older brother has a different dad, he has been HEAVILY overcompensated for all these years. My & my little brother were disciplined, grounded if we acted up, had strict bedtimes, scheduled pocket money a month whereas my older brother was heaped & heaped with praise, attention, money, privilege & so to see him throw everything back in my parents faces actually makes me not want to know him anymore despite his problems. And that's a terrible thing for me to say.

But a close friend of mine is the same. Her father left when she was 5 & now she has similar issues she deals with everyday. My ex before the man I'm with now - his dad did exactly the same & my ex has serious trust issues & problems, he used to sit in a dark room & write angry poetry about his absent dad.

I appreciate that these are unique cases of how people deal with certain difficult emotional instances but just having witnessed a lot of people I care about be a mess because of crappy dads, it terrifies me to let my baby's father in when he's already barely interested now & my baby hasn't even been born yet.

However, I've consulted my solicitor & my baby's dad has agreed to sign his legal rights away (not that he really had any considering we aren't married) so that he CAN still see my child - but it's on a private agreement & on on my terms & if while my baby is young enough to not remember, I feel like his dad's not stepping up to the role of a responsible enough father who gives a damn or is always letting him down, then I can end contact & he can't fight. It means I won't get any moeny from him but I don't want or need it. And I would never EVER deny a relationship between them if he's a wonderful father but I live by the '3 strikes & your out' rule which means if he cancels on my son or abandons him for something else more important or doesn't seem to care over 3 times, then I sever our agreement & I'm glad he's agreed to these terms because it's just a little protection for my son.

I wish Elloeise all the very best in working through this difficult situation.

Thank you all, im stupidly still unsure as to weather to listen to my heart and say take a running jump im never going to let you close enough to DS to hurt him.

Or my head and let him have contact so if it does all go pear shaped at least i can tell DS i tried.

Chuck He's never paid a penny and as far as i can gather doesn't intend to either.

Ds has seen him in passing (he turned up at my door last week) and when i told DS who he was he just gave me a face and said "hes a strange man"

littlebeth I hope you mange to get everything sorted better than i am and that everything goes ok with your scan next week. Please try not to get upset/stressed about him and enjoy your last few mths of pregancy (easer said than done on all accounts i know)

Are you absolutely sure he wants the contact and it's not just some way to get back at his other Ex.

I would guess she would have been worried on some level about possible contact in the past given, possibly thinking that he may have gone back to you if you had spent time together (even briefly). Given his track record I would think she may have had some concerns which may have been part of way contact wasn't established.

But if he is genuine in wanting contact with his DS (has he mentioned it just the once or is he prepared to make the effort needed to get to know your ds?), and more importantly if your DS would like the contact, then proceed, but slowly.
If it is simply about making his Ex jealous then that is something different.

gillybean It's been mentioned twice that he would like to see DS once when he when he first saw us and asked if he could give me his phone number. When i asked why i'd want it he said "So we can maybe sort something out"

Then mentioned in passing when i arranged to talk to him to try and find out why now but not before and what each of us expects.

He said "he hadn't been in contact before as his ex didn't like anything, any information or anyone conected to me (dispite her beng the ow and us never meeting) and he was scared he'd lose her and his new ds and i would not let him see our ds so he would be left alone"

However when i said about how i wouldn't let him wounder off with DS and it would have to be say a early saturday morning for an hour or so he gave me "Mmmmm" "Aarrrr" "hmmm" "yes....well....i...mmmm.i....suppose sooo....hmmm.....well it's just i have other DC on a saturday afternoon....but...it would have to be before 1pm" (which last time i checked the whole of saturday morning was before 1pm espically 9.30 ish)

So he then suggested after school and told me that that would be great as DS wouldn't be hungury and wouldn't want tea anyway (how the hell would he know )

Aaarrrr sorry that was so long

I am a LP with no contact at all from my ex since I was 6 months pregnant. Possibly because he took £20k from our joint business account a week earlier and used some of it to book a holiday with the new GF I knew nothing of.

Heartbreak turned into sweet relief when I realised that from my point of view I was finally free, and I of course realise that by son is much better off without him in his life.

Despite this, and much more - I would still never contemplate stopping him from my son meeting him, if it was ever requested. Never. Me knowing his father and deciding on his behalf that he's not good enough, is not an option - it's not fair.

My certainty stems from having been denied a relationship with my real father.

My Mum split with him when I was tiny, and asked him to stay away to enable me to grow up without the complications of real vs step dad, as she had.

She did what she thought was right at the time. Unfortunately, I think she made the wrong decision, and although it doesn't have a massive impact on me day to day, I do feel very sad.