dc meeting the --ow-- new girlfriend. Tips for me please!

[whitetulips]

Girlfriend has been on scene (although abroad) for 4 years. I only found out last autumn and we have been separated for 3 months only.
She has a visa for a month visit 'to see if she likes it'.
Dc are due to stay with soon to be ex H next weekend, which coincides with her arrival. I am so frightened they will love her, even though I know things will be easier if they can at least get on with her. She is 18 years younger than him, only 11 years older than dd.
Please help me to manage this week not to fall to bits, and send the kids to him happy, not moaning that I have been shouting all week!

Its a tough one and I sympathise. All I can say is take a deep breath and just try to do what is on the best interest of the kids. they might well like her asshe and yoour ex will be doing their best to put on a good show. But they wont love her. she is a stranger and you are their mum.

Have had similar this weekend when my son refered to my ex's gf as his stepmum. It hurts but you have just got to let it go.

she may be fragrant and pretty but she isnt mum and your children wont have her replace mum.you keep cool,charming and dont get drawn on any of it

do vent to mates,not your dc

I have booked myself an all day activity on Sat, which will help to distract me.
I know they love me, but I am the boring parent who makes them eat well, go to bed on time, and do homework.
I know deep breath is needed but god I want to scream and shout!

no not the boring one...the one who they'll appeciate for being 'the boring one' and love for the ret of their lives. x

They won't love her, they'll tollerate her, and just because she's young doesn't mean she's pretty (or fragrant) !

If she is a nice person then it may be all to the good that there is another nice adult in your DC's lives who cares about them. It will also mean that you can get a break now and again and know that they are happy and well cared for.
You are their mum. You are irreplaceable to them. No matter what. If she's that young, if she does stay in your XP's life, then she will probably fall into the role of a kind of older sister/auntie anyway. Or they might think she's a dweeb.

But I do understand how maddening this sort of thing is and suggest you have a good rant on MN whenever you feel the need.

Thank you everyone.
I am stalking ex H on face book (yes I know I shouldn't but I can't resist, all his 'oh I have never been this happy' posts make me want to vomit.
Rewriting the past is unfair, I can't have been that bad for the whole 23 years can I???
Deep breath, smile for the children, and just scream inside.
On the whole I am doing so well I think, if a little lonely, but reading his posts on my kids walls, and thinking about this girl are making me struggle this week.

Yes know how you feel - ex hasn't told me he has been seeing someone - only found out when dc told me about her. He has only known her a shrt time.
I couldn't care less about his relationship with her - I also worry that the dc's will like her to much, everyone will think she is their mum when out and about.
I am mad at the disrespect of not telling me he was introducing the dc's (still hasn't told me all info from dc's 5 and 4) as it help when question are asked but then I doubt I am ever going to get any respect from him.
Ex is too lazy to look after his own children - his mum does teh donkey work for him, I worry that he will persuade her to do all the work ( if she is gullable -which she would have to be) and he will try and take them from me. I worry alot these days!

So know how you feel.
I think it would be best to block his facebook page then you won't be tempted to look!

Keep busy the time they are with her, smile (through gritted teeth!) if they come home talking positively about her and resist the urge to grill them about OW at all times.

Its a tough one and does get better in time. My DC met XH's OW last year (she is 15yrs younger then H and 10yrs older than eldest dc!) The first few tmes they met her I felt physically sick especially when they didnt stop talking about how great she was! Think it was just the novelty of a new person being around. Also it would prob depend on age of your DC and just how much they understand about the split on how they would take to the other party.

I have plans for each day of the weekend, so hopefully that will help.
Ignoring the temptation to grill them for info is a good tip, but difficult for me.
I have told them that the reason for the split is ex H's ongoing relationship with her, as they wanted to know why.
He has been unable to tell me about her at all, even denying her existence, despite signing a legal confession to adultery for the divorce. He has however spoken to the dc about her, told them he has known (?!?) her for 4 years and that she is lovely
I am really trying to move on and am trying to get a referral for counselling for me to help with that I ma sure once this initial meeting is done I will relax a bit.

I'm the woman that met the DC's of my DP's ex-wife (if that makes sense!) - we get on fine, but the kids have never remotely wavered from loving their Mum wholly and totally.
However nice this OW is, I doubt she has any aspirations to steal your childrens affections and frankly, no chance of succeeding if she did.
I wasn't a factor in the separation of DP and his ex though and only met DP after the event.
Don't be surprised if your kids talk about her/him a lot afterwards, but its highly likely they will talk a lot about you to her too which might be a bit uncomfortable.
I think its fair enough that you're honest about the situation - why you split etc, you shouldn't have to lie, but try not to be too angry.
Good luck!

oh god, his sister has written on facebook how her 5 year old is dancing round the house singing about her new auntie!
I know I should not be looking, but ffs, we have been married 17 years, and separated for 3 months only. I feel like I am having my nose rubbed in the dirt

Delete his sister from your friends list. Delete your husband too. At the moment you're curious but the only way to wean yourself off being so curious that you torture yourself finding out what's going on is to start NOT knowing what's going on.

don't torture yourself like this. You do NOT need to know about this. I wonder was it meant for you.

If my brother was so recently out of a long marriage I wouldn't be shouting from the roof tops about how nice his new partner was. NOT for a good while.

Yes I know I should not torture myself, but it is hard.
I thought that my in laws would have had a smidge of care about this, because not only can I see this, so can my dc. All the in laws have said they don't bear me any ill will but it just shows how much thicker blood is than water. I am better off without family whose values are so fickle.
Thanks

I know it's very early days for you, but I have no communication with x mil, x fil, x bsil. I don't try to maintain any friendship with them. It'd be impossible. As you say blood is thicker than water but I can't tolerate a relationship with anybody who seems to gloss over what he did to me (and oh boy it's a long list). so the only answer is to not even try to be friendly, or in touch even. This may sound extreme to you. But try it for a while.

It does not sound extreme, but a really good idea. I will not contact them, and let their relationship with the dc be via their Dad. So I will not facilitate anything. I have to look after my own mental health first, to enable me to stay strong.

Do it....

3 months is nothing by the way. 3 months is like 3 days really. But it will get better quicker with no contact. If you aren't aware of what they're doing and who's meeting whom for the first time tonight and what your xmil made of it all and whether your xsil prefers you or the new one blah blah blah..... if you can avoid all of that, you'll be able to get peace quicker. And maybe 6 months will feel a bit more like six months than three months feels like 3 months! dykwim?

yes I do, thanks

so sorry you are going through this tulips, but as the others have said the best thing is really to delete them from facebook, what you don't know can't hurt you.

I have chosen to have no contact with ex mil, fil and bil but do have contact with sil, who probably sympathises with my situation, but we don't talk about the ex at all cos as everyone says blood is thicker than water. Having no contact has shielded me from a lot of hardship from the mil, as she has never been a particularly sensitive soul, except when it comes to her beloved son shitface

Good luck, it will get easier as time passes but it is hard in the beginning, treat yourself well