How do I politely tell ex - MIL to f**k off??

[grapesandmoregrapes]

sorry if this is a bit long. me and xp split about 6 months ago, since then there have been a few problems with childcare etc. the first incident when I suggested that instead of xp paying me maintenance we each pay for what we need when we have DD's, nappies, food etc. he then said shouldn't all that come from my child tax credit as "its for the children", his mother backed him up on this leading (obviously) to a huge argument and them backing down.

Later that day he phoned me to say that he would't be able to have DC on one afternoon that we arranged. I was pissed off as this was the time i will be in college as of sep. another hude argument ensues, i hang up. I relayed what was going on to my parents, who tried to phone x MIL to try and think of a solution, she didn't answer and xp phoned them back saying she didn't want to get involved. me and xp then talk and try and think of solution, when she comes on the phone and starts laying into me saying im putting too much pressure on xp, i need to stop phoning him (he kept phoning me), he doesn't have much money and has rent to pay, i wouldn't be able to do his job, to which i replied that i don't think he could do what i do and she said "its not a competition!" and finally that i should be gratefull that he's stuck around. IMO leaving someone a weekl after they give birth is not "sticking around"! DD's are 2 and 6mo.

Needless to say I was less than impressed, I didn't hear from her until the next day when she phoned and said she MAY have been wrong to pick up the phone to me, hardly an apology in my eyes. I was very non-comittal, which she took to mean everything was OK, which I now hugely regret!!

Anyway, xp has moved back in with her between moving from his current house to a new house, she lives 150 miles from me, and he will be coming to stay with me for 2day a week to see DC. she has now said she would like to come and stay with me for a few days, so how do i tell her and xp i don't feel comfortable with this? do i have to just be honest or is there some other way I can deter her?

Hmmmm I would just say "there isn't room as obviously ex will be sleeping in y, perhaps next time ex can collect them to come and stay with you?"

I would suggest that you stick to making arrangements via email so you can both stay calm rather then start arguing with each other?

Could you not tell xp to grow some balls and does he really need his mum holding his hand ?
Maybe to be a bit more diplomatic you could say that its nice she wants to come however as this is a new arrangement you think its best for things to settle into a routine with just him staying before she does. You dont want to confuse the kids any more than necessary ?
Id ignore any comments she has to make she would obviously argue black is white for him - does your exp have a sister, you culd always counter her arguments by asking how she would feel if her daughter was in this situation.
I hope it gets better.

oh boy. What a deluded poor woman. My Xmil is cut from the same cloth. Her son contributes nothing to his children and yet she says to me "it's all about money with you". Her son was a cold hearted awkward bully to me and she condemns me for leaving him.

Your situation is even more unbelievable. He left you with a WEEK old baby!!!!

I can not believe she has the gall to defend him! . NO advice, just sympathy. [pat on back]

Why is your XP staying with you - it was his decision to move away. I would not want my XP staying in my house at all, and I would just say this.

the problem is that she wants to come and stay at a different time to xp, otherwise i would just say there isn't room. xp does have a sister who actually tends to be a bit more sensible that xp and xMIL, so i might try that, but she's being overly nice atm which is fecking annoying.

SGM - i didn't get my parents to phone her, i was mightily pissed off and they thought she might be able to talk some sense into xp (mummys boy if you couldn't tell) they didn't think she would be as ridiculous as xp!

Just no "I'm not up to it at the moment, not sure when I will be. It's best if you sort out seeing the dc via xp from now on"

Can you tell her, by email, that whilst you appreciate that she wants to see her GC, it is not convenient for you at the moment.

It is your house and your children. You don't need an excuse. I'm assuming you don't want her help .

xpost cargirl

bertie - i don't mind him staying here as i will be working 2 days, and its a free babysitter, we generally get on quite well.

magalyzz - that is awful, xp does at least pay maintenance now that the DC are not going to his.

You have the right to say 'no, the man who left me with a week old baby and his old bat of a mother aren't welcome in my home'.

That is entirely your prerogative, and nobody but your x and xmil would think it unreasonable!! they are having a laugh.

i take a very stern line wiht my xmil I'm afraid. She was vile to me when I left her precious son. even though I wrote her a letter saying issues with her son were separate from her being their grandma etc etc,,, but she was jsut horrendous to me. And like you, my parents couldn't sit on their hands either!!! they tried to reason with her that I had done nothing wrong leaving a man who was vile to me, but she was shouting down the phone at them for 'looking after me'. Apparently my parents 'made it too easy' for me to leave her son!!!

Anyway, roll on three years and her son never thinks to include her when he comes to visit the children, has openly said he prefers to come alone without her. She has health problems and can't really come alone. I wonder if she ever regrets being a total bitch to me, like she 'backed the wrong horse' so to speak. I have no respect for her, but I am not selfish and a user like her son. Now that he's back on his feet again after relationship breakdown, he hasn't given his mother missing her grandchildren a moment's consideration!!! even though he let her do his dirty work!.

think i'll do that 120 and Cargirl, i will be probably be blamed for her not being able to see DC but it was his decision to move away so screw them!

SGM - my parents don't want anything to do with her anymore, and they by no means made it worse!

I don't mind xp staying with me, its just his mother. looking after 2 small children is very hard and i need the break.

If possible try not to consider what she'll think of you. It isn't your priority at the moment. Staying sane is. Think instead of how relaxed you'll feel not having her there.

I have found it very liberating to realise I shouldn't make excuses. They only open the door to negotiation, as once over-ridden, you feel you have to say yes.

Being a sleep-deprived can make the brain do all sorts of loops when really it can be very simple.

Good luck!

thanks 120, I will try and be more firm. its my fault that she thinks everything is ok because I never said otherwise, really wish I'd handled things differently from the beginning!