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How do I explain to my daughter?

2 replies

femalevictormeldrew · 18/05/2010 13:55

May be posting this in the wrong place but here goes. I am married and have a daughter 8 years old from previous relationship, and we have a 5 month old daughter together. I split up from my DD1's father when she was a small baby, met my now husband when she was 4 months old and we are together since. My DD has never had contact with her bio father, this has been totally down to him. I have tried to keep some contact for my DD's sake - sent him photos etc but he has told me to my face that he has no feelings for her and doesn't want to know (she is in contact with 2 aunts and some cousins around her own age).
My DD knows that she has "another daddy" but I have a feeling that she is going to start asking questions. This is the day that I have dreaded since she was born. He also has a daughter in another part of the country who (to my knowledge) he doesn't see either. But my problem is that he also has a son in who's life he is very involved - son spends half the week with him, he pays a lot of maintenance towards (9 years ago he was paying £120 a week ) - basically is the perfect parent to him. He is in a long term relationship with a lady who has two children, they live in his house so i presume he is practicing his good parenting skills there too!

I have never, ever bad mouthed him to her, and I never will. My door is always open if he ever wants to see her, but its looking fairly unlikely at this stage. So my question to you all is how do I explain to her that basically he doesn't want her? He has his golden haired boy, and he does everything for him, but if he sees her he crosses the street. I would rather die than hurt her feelings, but I also want to leave an element of truth in what I tell her.

Well done if you have got to the end of this post, and thanks in advance for any advice you may give me.

OP posts:
lilysmemo · 18/05/2010 16:54

Oh what a scum bag. I am so sorry for your lovely daughter. My DD's dad just cut her out of his life this time last year because we fell out over money.
Sadly there just are men like that in the world. It broke my heart trying to explain things to my girl ( she is almost 13 now). The only thing I can suggest is you try to be as honest as you can without telling her what a toad he is. The way I explained it was he was angry with me and he couldn't get past that , and to hurt me he cut her out of his life. This is true - but he is also a (insert very nasty word here) and doesn't deserve her - like your ex.
The school were great and my DD had a few sessions with the councillor which was an opportunity for her to express herself without involving me.
My DD has no contact at all with their family now- which I think is the really hard part for her , as she misses her nana and her step-grandparents , but we have tried to get some sort of contact , it was rejected.
I suppose on the plus side your daughter has never known him as dad, presumably loves her step-dad and will be absolutely fine. She will get the message about him as she gets older , but if I were you i would answer questions as openly as you can , as she asks, but make it about his relationship with you, rather than her , as much as you can . We cannot understand why a man like that can love one child and not another- but then I can't understand how my ex, or yours found someone to love them , when plainly they are no damned good.
good luck , and remember you are not at fault, he is, and she will see that. I am happy she has a loving family with you and your OH

femalevictormeldrew · 23/05/2010 10:48

Thank you lilysmemo for taken the time to reply. Have taken it on board, and hopefully I will try to handle it as well as you have with your girl. Tried to Private Message you but it won't let me so!

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