Do you think I should push for maintenence?

[BertieBotts]

When I first split up with XP (my decision) I didn't ask for maintenence straight away, wanted to sort out access first and keep things on good terms. After a couple of weeks though he mentioned it first and so we got together and talked it through and made an agreement.

Anyway he was paying me every week in cash which I accepted at first and thought Oh well, if he starts being difficult then I'll just go through the CSA.

Had a few times where he wouldn't pay for a few weeks and then I'd mention it and he'd give me the few weeks' worth in a lump sum, this was fine, but a bit annoying as it was unpredictable. On my mum's advice (she was a LP too) I had budgeted for everything not allowing the maintenence to come into it at all, so I was using it to save up for big things for DS like when he needed a new car seat. I don't rely on the money but it is useful to have.

Anyway he now hasn't paid me any money for eight weeks. Around the same amount of time he has been seeing his latest girlfriend (not sure whether it's related or a coincidence) Every time I have mentioned it, he says he is having trouble at work and not being paid etc. I know he works for his friend who is self employed and the business is quite new so it could be struggling. He now owes me over £200 in missed payments. Today I mentioned it again and he said he is completely skint and has just had to pay out for his car, his new girlfriend is pregnant so he needs extra money for that as well. I don't know if I am being unreasonable chasing him for the money when he appears to need it more than I do. But then on the other hand, it's not my fault that he's got her pregnant or that he crashed his car. I did say that if he couldn't manage the missed payments I'd be happy with him just starting to pay me the weekly amount again.

Things are slightly less than amicable at the moment anyway because last week he cancelled seeing DS at the last minute and I sent a bit of a narky text to him about it.

WWYD?

I'd be on the phone to the CSA first thing monday morning. The longer you leave it the less likely it is he will pay. Has he even given you a small amount for anything in the last few weeeks? OK, the car problem is going to mean he has to shell out more cash but he's going to have to learn to budget and still make sure he can support his children.

If you call the CSA get together any relevant info you have on him, contact details, address, employer, NI number (if he left random paperwork behind with you).

I made a spreadsheet up the first time I contacted them and update it whenever I call them with the date, time, who I spoke to and comments . However in my case as XP had been with the same employer for over 10 years and I had every bit of info on him it took just under 2 months from starting the 'case' to getting my first payment. It comes through every month now.

And once the case is opened with them then money can be backdated to that date, if you leave it for 6 months they will only be able to chase him for money from then on.

OK, thanks Meglet. I mentioned the CSA today and he said he was going to contact them himself to see if they can help him () so hopefully he will be co-operative. I don't know his address though, and he has just moved in with his girlfriend so it will have changed recently as well. I do have his employer's details though which should help.

Don't rely on him to contact CSA, that is just a time waster to stop you. They won't chase him until you contact them.

And it's not about whether you need the money, the money is for your child not for you. And it is calculated in such a way so as that had your child can expect the same kind of lifestyle they would of expected should you of stayed together. So don't feel guilty about it either. He has a finanical responsibility to his ds.

Bear in mind though that the calculation will change when his gf has her baby.

i agree with gillybean, don't leave it up to him to contact csa, you do it then at least you will know that they know the situation. whether you can manage without maintenance (or not as the case may be)is immaterial. your x does have a responsibility towards his children. just be aware that he may try and stop a private payment if he thinks that you are seeing someone, i wasn't prepared for this and it was a bit of a shock tbh

I also have a private arrangement with ex h. The very first month he misses a child support payment I will contact the CSA that day.

That is good advice and very reassuring meglet I do rely on his payments so would be screwed if he stopped them, good to know it wouldnt be for long as I too have all information re his job etc. He has quite a responsible job as well so would be mortified if CSA contacted them.

steelfairy that's the route I took. XP paid for a few months, then got nasty and messed us around so got the ball rolling straight away.

The only problem with relying on maintenance payments is just as it could have happened had you stayed together, the non resident parent might get a pay cut or lose their job suddenly. OP, not relying on the money is the most sensible thing you can do.

I would give him a time scale. "If I don't receive a payment by next week then I will contact the CSA".

Hi Bertie. definately contact the CSA yourself as soon as possible. Now that he has got away with paying so much, and particularly now he has another on the way he is unlikely to pull his finger out and prioritise your maintenance. He will just see how long he can get away with it for.

Contact CSA now and get them to sort out an application. That way its all above board, more chance of it being regular (although still dont rely on it) and it will all be recorded so that if he doesn't pay for some reason the arrears will be calculated and he will be less likely to get away with it. This other £200 he owes its unlikely you will ever see it again!!

Also, once his other baby is born he wont have to pay you as much (i think) so you may as well get as much as yuo can before the other one is born. (sounds greedy but you have to think about YOURSELF and YOUR child).

At first i took cash from my ex for about 2 months before he 'couldn't afford it anymore' and i got dropped in the shit. Ended up going through CSA which was much easier (until he quit his job in order to get out of paying me anything).

I agree, contact the csa and don't rely on him doing it.

Also off the point I know but anyone else that he has only been seeing his gf for eight weeks and she's pregnant! Or have I misunderstood?

i think its best you don,t contact the csa. as in your case, because he,s working as self employed. he will only have to pay a minimal amount. less than anything you were getting from him first.unfortunately its harder to pin them down when they are self employed. they just get the mate to lie and say he,s only earning £100 with them. so therefore the csa assess them at only paying £5 a week. or maybe you could be one of the lucky one,s where he hasn,t declared tax on earnings as self employed and the csa claw backdated tax off him. then you may benefit that way.but its a gamble if it comes of.
Good luck

i think its best you don,t contact the csa. as in your case, because he,s working as self employed. he will only have to pay a minimal amount. less than anything you were getting from him first.unfortunately its harder to pin them down when they are self employed. they just get the mate to lie and say he,s only earning £100 with them. so therefore the csa assess them at only paying £5 a week. or maybe you could be one of the lucky one,s where he hasn,t declared tax on earnings as self employed and the csa claw backdated tax off him. then you may benefit that way.but its a gamble if it comes of.
Good luck