I'm a single parent, as you've probably guesses since I'm adding this thread into the lone parents section.
Well, I'll start at the beginning, I had a fantastic pregnancy, was really looking forward to being a family with my sons then dad to be. Until when i was 8 months gone, one night he'd been out drinking, he came home and was very violent towards me, and abusive. I found texts on his phone, not through snooping I might add, he had head butted our wall so much he had bloodied his head and passed out. His phone was ringing so I went to answer it. Saw it was a female ringing and didn't...baring in mind it was stupid o clock in the morning, why would a female be ringing my partner??
Anyway he apologised, blah blah blahh, the usual, heard it before tried to convince myself he'd changed. The whole of our 6 year relationship had been built on his lies, his moods,feeling noone would want me, i'm worthless, have nothing to offer. I think it is so easy to confuse love with fear, scared of leaving, scared of being alone...scared of him...
Anyway we mumbled on in this loveless relationship until my son was born, the best day of my life. But also the day I realised i'd never be without him. He became my life. I drew breath for him.
When he was 2 weeks old, I waited for my partner to go out, to the pub, suprise suprise! Then I called my parents, packed our stuff, wrote a note " i win, i can't take anymore and left. It was only when my dad cried, picking up my sons teddy that he bought him, looked at me and said it had to stop. I had to leave and never go back that it dawned on me. Not only had i been living in hell, my family, they had too. I was not going to put my son through that. Never. i had never seen my dad cry, not at something serious, the tears welling in his eyes, his chin dimpling. I felt guilty, emotional, childlike all at once.
Well I left, it was hard and there were I wanted to disappear and not come back. I fell into a deep depression. I wore baggy clothes, didn't look after myself I only ever went places with my son. He became my life, my reason for living.
Then almost 2 years on I woke one morning and started crying, I though at first that it was for no reason at all then I realised. I had gone to bed and woke in the morning without thinking about my sons dad. He wasn't lurking in the back of my mind, he wasn't even a thought anymore. It was then that I could move on.
I wrote him an email. Stupid as it sounds. Teling him how much he had hurt me, that i couldnt move on but now I could. I had given myself space, and time and it was all i needed. I told him that I could out of spite stop him seeing my son, but for me that would have been torture, I want my son to have it all, have the best of everything, so instead I told him he could see his son regularly, he could see the closeness between me and my son. And how good a mother i am, and that i did it, all on my own. I didn't need him. and that someone did wantme, they needed me, i was worth it to someon, he loved me, unconditionally. My son.
Now its almost 4 yrs on. My son and I have our own house now. We still see his dad every weekend. There is still a part of me that hates loathes him, despises him. But i would never let it eat me up again. I will never let him or any other man make me feel lie i have no choices, no voice. nothing.
So, this is my story. I'm sure that in time I can add another man to it who will love me. And I will learn to trust him. But, for now, all I need is my little man that calls me mummy.