does the bitterness ever turn into civility??

[whitetulips]

I left my soon to be ex H 2 months ago, after discovering his 4 year-long affair, which is still ongoing.
We put the house on the market last year, but continued to both live there as we could not afford to move out until it was sold.
Well now it is sold, I left before completion date, both have new houses.
I am ok, a bit up and down but know this was the right thing.
When we first discussed splitting, I did not know about OW. We both took legal advice, and I was told I should get 65-70% of proceeds due to financial situation. He was obviously told the same, because he came home adamant that 50% was the only possibility.
Once I knew house was sold, knew how much money we needed for housing (I have the 2 dc), and realised about his plans re bringing OW into uk and supporting her I went to a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.
To cut long story short, she told me 50% was absolutely not right, and after some horrid rows we settled for me to get slightly under 60%.
My question is this.
ex H sees me as the bad one in all this. I have 'taken all his money', 'left him with nothing', and 'done the dirty on him'.
He cannot comprehend that he has behaved badly, betraying me and the children, risking my health, and all because he did not have the guts to confess to me his affair (and still hasn't)
He cannot even email me in a civil tone, will not answer texts and leaves dc to bring their bags in from the car while he just sits there.
How and when can I get this to a point where we can communicate like grown adults? Will we ever? Why is it my fault?
Any tips welcome!

Because its easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibilities for one's own actions.

Civility can return, usually after a long period has passed. I now get on ok with my kids mum. If there is an issue with the kids, we can discuss it like adults. But it took us years to get to that point!

Just split with my ex and get on pretty well with him (he left for OW), started divorce few weeks ago. However all the issues that nearly led to arguments were over money. His friends at work told him I was out to bleed him dry. In the end I said that was crap, he was getting what I would want if the roles were reversed. I am increasing the mortgage and giving him a lump sum.
I addition I now need more insurance and critical illness cover to ensure the kids are provided for if anything happens to me and that is costing a lot.

Both parties end up worse off than they were, but some men think the woman always wins. In the eyes of the law, all should be split 50:50 and it's nothing to do with who comitted adultry, so he will think and was maybe told he was entitled to half.

I know some people who were deadly enemies at the time of divorce and are now good friends, but it took a year or so for it to reach that stage.Hope someone comes along who's experienced it. Maybe post in the relationship forum as well?

All the best

SK

Im sorry I have no tips, whitetulips, just wanted to let you know I am in a similar situation with my ex. He too, had affairs, none of which he completely confessed to, even whilst I was pregnant. He chose to leave me and our DC's claiming he 'just wasn't happy' before I found out about the OW waiting for him. That was 8 months ago and in that time he has gone from being nasty to be remoresful and apologetic to being nasty again. Sometimes he is completely arrogant and callous and it breaks my heart that he would want to treat me like this when all I want now is a fresh start and some peace. I think niceguy2 made a very good point about it being easier to blame the other person rather than cope with guilt and I think of this when ex is being particularly difficult. Others have told me it can take a few years to get back any sort of decent relationship but I too would love some tips on how to fast forward to that time. Apologies for not having advice to offer but you are definately not alone! Good luck.

hi there - yeah you can get on well enough after a while. when my ex and i split we could have killed each other - and we both came close to it a few times. but after a few years we just stopped caring about all that had gone on, wouldnt say we're friends as such but can be civil to each other when we meet - only about once a year now fortunately

Yes, it is possible and my case led to a renewal of the friendship we had when we first knew each other.

In you case - he wanted to have his cake, eat it and then ask for more, didn't he? Give it lots of time and hope for the best - I think some men need separation/divorce to actually become mature adults. And after a while you will care less, which will make his wankery less of an issue.

Hi Whitetulips

I am in exaclty the same position - my H and I seperated in the NY, after I found out that he was seeing somebody else (He denied and denied it but still moved out !).

I then found out about 4 weeks ago, after him totally denying it, that he had been introduced to OW's family (Mum, Dad, Aunt etc), so I was furious, but we were still staying friendly, and OK for the sake of our DS.

I didn't even fly off the handle when I found out that he lied to me for the last year or so (Which also coincided with my Mum having a dreadful accident, falling down the stairs and being paralysed, and then passing away in March this year). I still kept it together although he was totally unsupportive. We agreed to start divorce proceedings (I haven't put it down to adultery, as I didn't want to annoy him, and just wanted the whole thing over with).

We went to relate last week, and I asked him for what I thought was a fair financial settlement (Didn't want to touch his pensions/endownments/redundancy money etc), and he went mental, and has now decided to start trying to take all of my friends away from me (He wants to take OW to a dinner where all of my friends will be) and he is very manipulate and clever.

We have gone from being OK with each other (Having a coffee and discussing our DS) to him hating me with a passion, all because I have asked him for money to help me support myself and our DS.

He has recently lost his job, but will get another one, normally is very very well paid, but is totally obsessed with money.

I sit here and wonder if we will ever get to the point where he will be reasonable with me, and allow me to grieve for my Mum and not spend my whole time fighting him.

Sorry for the rant, but I do know what you're going through, and it makes life so very very hard, and especially when it was none of our making.

Ah yes the increasingly psychotic ex and his rather interesting re-written version of why the marriage ended.

I've been seperated/frantically trying to get divorced for the past two years, and ex has done everythnig to make it look like I was the bad one. However I've told close friends the real reason, and seriosuly when people meet me they take one look at me and then the mad foaming at the mouth crazy person he is and arrive at their own (generally correct conclusion). Don't give him too much credit for his charm and lovelyness most people can spot a liar.

I had to struggle to get a fair financial settlement, but I refused to back down (which is pissing him off big time), because had I not done so he would have left me in huge debt with two little children and no roof over our heads.....

I doubt very much he will improve, but once the divorce is finalised, I will have very little to do with him and I won't care what he says or does, in fact I find it rather hard to give a rats arse as it is.

One word of warning, ex tends to email me, and my immediate reaction is to be very upset and fire off a reply in return, however what I do is write my reply and save it and return the next day re-write it, and get a friend to read thro the reply before hitting send.
It helps, because one cannot help but get upset when one is being accused of all sorts still! Or sometimes I read his emails and decide it's not worth the energy and emotion to reply so I just bin it. I only ever communicate regarding our children otherwise ignoreignoreignore is my mantra.

Thank you to all of you. I am glad I am not the only one in this horrid position, but sorry we all have to feel this way!
I do feel niceguy, that my ex has not really understood the lesson about consequences yet, and this may be a symptom of all that.
Maybe when he finally (if he ever does)grows up he will begin to acknowledge his part in all this.
Hassled I like your description!
Sadperson, I am so sorry about your Mum. As if you need your ex to be like that when you are dealing with such stress.
Thanks for the tip fuzzy, I do tend to think about my emails carefully, as you say it is so easy to fire off in anger.
I wish I understood how someone who loved you so much can turn into such an arse. I am questioning my judgement, my perception of the past, and certainly the last 4 years which have been a lie.
I am absolutely determined to come out of this knowing what went wrong, so I will not get myself so hurt again, but I do not want to be afraid to try, which is how I feel at the moment. I have learnt that I am far stronger than I ever thought, but I am just so tired of having to be strong. A little TLC would be so nice, and this what is so hard about this type of situation.

I loved some of the descriptions, the one'w who leave for ow, are one of the worst type of ex's as they have the ow there with them they need to rewrite history to in order to convince her she is more special etc, and that he would not cheat on her blah blah blah... they get stuck in a fantasy land, and the ex is trying to off load the guilt so you and sometimes also the kids become the catalist of his guilt that he does not want to have...

AFter years of going through courts, with his bizarre idea's of things, I will never understand why he made so much stuff up, guilt again... we are nearing the end, I was so dammed angry at his abuse of me and the kids, his lies and bad behaviour towards the kids, I think I made it easy for him to hate me, having said that now that I am back to myself in the sense of the calm nice person, he is not sure and acting oddly, I think if I had remained calm and nice he would have walked all over me, the thing is I had counselling to handle things, and I got rid of the anger with time and counselling, also the not having any contact much has helped, and I am civil to him, he is not to me, but finds it hard to get me, I have strong boundaries now, which I never had before, and I will stop his games a lot, so he is respecting me a little now... I don't think he and I will be friends, I dont' think he will be a dad to the kids, but I know for me the hate is gone, and I feel pity, and I suspect things are going very very wrong with her, he looks miserable all the time, has had drink, drug and mental health problems since he got with her, and now he had gotten fat again... he is bald and grey in hair and skin, from taking up smoking now that he lives with her a smoker, blah blah blah... his life his problems, he is kids dad at the end of the day I for their sake I want to keep things ok for them to see him later and know him, rather than him wade in when they are older and tell htem a pack of lies... it is better they see him for him even if it is very few years! that way he can't knock their trust in me, as I have known so many waster dad's do in adult hood when kids ask why did you not see me and they blame the mum when it was not her fault they were just selfish and lazy! his behaviour shows him up for who he is and they need to see it rather than have a fantasy dad... anyways enough going on about myself, I wish you well in sortring things out, I think it will take time, if you want to do it, then that is the best start, he may not want to though x