not seen or spoken to my children in 4 yrs

[Yvonne40]

i split with my ex 6 yrs ago at 1st my ds's lived with me and saw their dad every other week, after a 1 and half their dad started to poison them against me and they kept running away and wanted to live with him so for their own safety i allow this to happen, since then my ds's have stopped speaking and seeing me even though i have a court paper to say i can have them every other week they are both teenagers now and refuse to speak or see me this has been for the last 4 years , i find this very hard to cope with sometimes, is anyone else going through the same, every year i try and make contact but they always reject this,and each time it knocks me for six, they still see my parents and sister but still won't see me. how do you cope with that? would like very much for any advise please.

I'm sorry you don't see your children. Most of us can only imagine how awful it must be.

Teenagers are at a developmental stage when they are very capable of making rigid judgments and maintaining a stance of anger for a long time but over time they frequently do change their mind. In the meantime all you can do is keep trying, and send letters, cards, pictures, emails etc in the hope that they see and read them.

I would resist any temptation of telling your side of the story and in any communication focus on the happy times you had together before the family split, reassurance that you still love them and that the door is always open should they wish to contact you. Also get some support for yourself. MATCH is a self help group for mothers living apart from their children or alternatively counselling might help you cope with the pain.

i have had 2 years of counselling to help me cope with not seeing or speaking to them, i have sent them message to le them know i will always be here for them and love them very much, i never mention my ex as i wouldn't want to hurt them. Thank you for the MATCH link i will defo look into it.

i never realise that their were so many other mothers out there who were going thorugh this painful thing, thnak you so much

I guess the lack of response on here is because people aren't sure what to say to you. I don't think there's much anyone could say to try and make you feel better. It's such an awful situation for you, and for your children.

However it did remind me of a friend of my parents, who's daughter refused to talk to them or see them for years. It wasn't until she became a mum herself (and a year after that even) that she allowed her mum back in her life to any degree.

I do hope that with time and maturity your two ds will see for themselves the situation. It may well take a change in their life, such as when they start to have a real relationship with a partner (and they see that partner with their mum). It may actually influence them and make them think about things in a new way.

In the mean time keep writing, keep trying, make sure they know the door is always open. I can see that it is incredibly tough for you to be constantly rejected but if you stop they will feel rejected too.

Even if you put the letters in a safe place and simply drop them a note saying you have written to them and the letter is somewhere safe for them to read if and when they are ready. Or copy every letter and send them one and put the other safe for them to ready when the time is right.

Hope you find the support you need with the MATCH group STIDW posted for you.
Best wishes
Gilly

many thanks for tha lovely message.

i have today written a letter to both my ds and made a copy of each and put these in a folder for safe keeping, i will continue to send them each a letter once a month in the hope that in time they will want to make some form of contact.

i know don't except and response/reply which makes it less painful although it does still hurt, it's easlier to copy with.

many people have said that eventually even if it is once they have a family of their own and alot older they will hopeful want to contact me, i will wait until that day no matter how long it takes x

Yvonne if you show them that you never gave up on them, you'll have a relationship with them in the end.

I am so sad for you. Never give up, keep sending letter and cards. Why is your sis and mum allowed contact but you?

that's another way of my ex partner hurting me, knowing that my parents and sis see them but i'm unable to. My mum is so worried about telling me anything about what their doing in case my ex finds out and stops her from seeing them as he has threaten to do this in the past.
My sister and i don't get on so my ex knows it will upset me if she sees them. i have to ask my parents if they have seen my ds's as my mum never lets me know even after she has unless i ask, she thinks it will be less painful for me but it hurts more that she doesn't let me know!what upsets me is my mum is so worried about losing contact with them she allow my ex to dictate everything, i would love her be a bit more supportive to how it must feel for me i have seen or spoken to them in 4 years and she has 4 children so you'd think she would understand.
when i ask my mum does she tell them when she sees them that i love them and miss them she always says she doesn't like to say anything that may rock the boat for her, which i think is really selfish to a point.

i sent my ds's each a letter yesterday and made copies and i will continue to do so every month from now on,if my mum gets a call from my ex asking her tell me not to send any more or he will stop her seeing them i'm still going to send each of them a letter regardless and i'm afraid she will have to accept that.