Anyone doing OK as lone parent. Newly single looking for hope pls.

[wheresmypaddle]

DP has recently left DS (just turned 3) and I. This followed me finally giving him an ultimatum of giving me more support as I was doing almost everything and it felt unfair. I have to be honest and say I have major regrets and masses of guilt and wish he had not gone. I am really sad and struggling. Am hoping we may be able to resolve things but its looking unlikely(anyway that?s a whole other thread).

The reality of being a lone parent and single suddenly appears like a worse option than my far less than perfect relationship. There were good things- he is a brilliant father when he is around, good looking [shallow], good in bed (not that I feel like it after doing everything), great fun and I loved our imperfect family unit much of the time.

I work PT and my days and weekends alone with DS seem so sad and lonely. Weekends are especially hard (despite that fact that I was used to DP not being around at weekends) because I don?t want to interfere with friend?s family time.

I can see from the threads on here that lone parenting is really tough and that petrifies me. Loneliness seems to be a common theme along with the nightmare of eventually moving to a stage where you are ready to meet someone new only to find that all the men are a complete nightmare. Reading some of the threads I wonder if posters wish they had stuck with their EXs?

I am even tempted to crash the "where have all the fit men gone" thread and ask them outright if they would advise me to try to rescue my relationship given what they know my future is likely to hold!!

I want a happy life, for DS and I. I want some hope that I can move on and see this as a new beginning (once I have stopped crying).

Can anyone give me some hope or some tips before I beg DP to reconsider (not that he would I fear). Please tell me it will be OK (sorry if I sound desperate)??!!

i was with an extremely abusive man......at first i wanted to go back,i left with 4 dc to go to a hostel. after a few months i got on with it and started enjoying being free of him. it was just habit

now 5 years on,i love being a single parent

Thank you.

Yes I have support from my parents, DP has DS on one of the days I work and I think he will do more once settled elsewhere .

I have am lucky enough to have some good friends but noone is in my position so its hard for them to understand. I feel like I need the company of others a lot ATM (and DS is very sociable) but at the times when I am most lonely (witching hours and weekends)I worry about getting in the way of their family time.

i have been on my own with ds (3) from day one and I can say it gets easier all the time. Ok, first year was horrible and if you are not used to it you definatly need some time to adjust but I am sureyou will find its not that bad after a while. Just don't go back to a relationship that doesn't work because you are afraid of being alone. An unhappy relations will not make you or DS happy either!

Create a profile on one of the dating websites - you will see - there are lots of man out there! Just chat via email, you don't need to meet anyone at the beginning!

What arrangement do you have with DP? does he see DS regularly? If he does then use that time to really enjoy yourself. Do all these things that are not possible when DS is around. And if its just watching a soppy film on the telly - undisturbed. Sit in Cafes with a magazinge and just enjoy not having to be a mum for a change. Think about the things you used to like doing before him and child. Maybe re-discover some of these things! You said he is a brilliant dad, so work out a schedule when he has her, let him get on with it and trust him and plan something nice for yourself on the days she is with him.

When DS is with you concentrate on enjoying your time with her. I think 3 is a magical age and so much fun! I know what you mean about the weekends... same thing here... but you need to just plan something ahead that you both can look forward to ([park, playcentre, outing - sometimes we just go on the tram up and down the tracks cause she loves trains...) Also, get her little friends round. If she is not going to nursery make sure you take her to lots of playgroups so she can make friends.

You need to build a good support network (friends, family) around you. Find other lone parents in your area and team up with them. There is lots of support out there.

And don't think that being a lone parent is lonely and sad. I am definatly not!!

Wheresmypaddle. I'm going to be blunt here.

What did you expect would happen after split? Is this something you really thought through?

The reason I say this is that you seemed to have a pretty good life before. A good dad to your child, able to work part time and with a good looking man who was good in bed!

Are you sure things were really that bad? Often I find we think we're doing everything alone but in reality we dont give our OH's enough credit. So whilst you work PT and do most of the housework, he was working full time yes? I know I often have a go about housework etc and feel I do a lot but then often I fail to see what my GF has done.

What I suggest is give it a little time for the dust to settle and to try to adapt to your new life. However, don't be afraid to admit you made a mistake (if you think you have).

What I find often happens is that couples split up thinking its the answer to their problems but all that happens is that you just get a whole set of different problems.

For example, if you didn't like the fact you did it all before and he was no help. He's going to be even less help now! Except now you both have two homes to pay for, instead of one!

Niceguy you are right, I am having second thoughts. I have admitted this to DP and asked him to talk things through with me and to consider coming home.

I am aware that him leaving has opened up a whole new set of problems for me which are, quite honestly, petrifing me right now- hence my post.

In terms of our relationship. DP is a sportsman, he works PT at a job related to his sport on a very low wage so that he can practise and play his sport (sorry being vague just dont want to give too much personal info as have posted stuff I don't want coming out in RL) in his spare time. I have supported him in this and have been (and still am, despite working PT) the main breadwinner.

He is a great Dad but is rarely at home as he plays sport so much. He also likes to have a few beers with his mates on more evenings than I would like. I do not begrudge him having a life outside of our family but honestly feel that the balance was not right.

To complete the picture he has had a serious gambling problem in the past. I am proud of him now as he is tackling it head on (attending GA once a week etc) but it has had implications on our finances, such that much of the money he does earn goes into his payment plan.

I do all cooking, cleaning, shopping , gardening, arrangements and ferrying DS. I pay the bulk of mortgage, household bills, mursery fees etc.. He has DS once a week on one of the days that I work and he does a great job of that, on the days he was home in time he was a great Dad also.

Dp would claim that he did as much as he could but I honestly feel that was not the case!!

I didn't put much about all this in my original post as I was hoping to get some positive feedback about the realities of lone parenting.

Single parenting is tough and the first year is the hardest but it does get better. But it doesnt sound like you had all that much support from H??.

You need to decide whether you want your H back or just miss the stability of a relationship. I echo Karola here. Bulding a support network is vital for your sanity. Once you have that help you can start to work oout if you want H back.

Also conselling can help as it gives you a safe place to work out your feelings. I was devastated when my ex dumped us for OW but 2 years on I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been for a while.

Dating is fine but it isnt a substitute for solving your problems

It sounds like you were pretty much a single parent whilst you were with him tbh. So you did everything and he played sport? You sound like you miss him but he was using you as his domestic prop. You can do so much better and being a single mum isn't so bad. You won't have do do all HIS laundry etc now! Take time to grieve.

I like being a single parent I guess people don't say it often because it sounds like gloating or smuggery or something, but honestly, I am so much happier now than when I was with XP. I don't know whether it's that I was basically doing everything myself when I was with him anyway, or because I only have one child, or because XP is quite good WRT access etc, but I like it how we are and I wouldn't want to have a partner at the moment.

I get to make all the decisions by myself. I never have to worry about XP's feelings or opinion on a particular matter. If DS wakes up at 2am and is being noisy I don't have the stress of XP waking up, I can do whatever I need to get him back to sleep. If I want to bring him into bed with me, I can because there is nobody else there to object. If I am having a bad day I don't have to worry that when XP gets home from work he will moan that we are not dressed or that there are biscuit crumbs all over the carpet or that the washing up hasn't been done.

I haven't got loads of money but I am now in control of it. I know how much I have each week for food etc, and don't have to guess. If DS needs new clothes I only have to justify the cost to myself, nobody else. I can buy/cook what food I want to eat, eat at a time I want to. I am not constantly waiting around for XP to come home so I can start dinner, we don't end up eating takeaways all the time (in fact we hardly ever have them at all) - OK we do eat boring things like chicken nuggets and frozen veg, most of the time, but e.g. tonight I made cauliflower curry and it was really nice, XP would have turned his nose up at it because it was veggie.

I feel so much freer in the evenings. Once DS has gone to bed I can do what I want to do - and if he doesn't go to bed I tend to go on MN or read a book or something while he watches a DVD quietly. I could not have done this with XP because he insisted on having his DVDs on really loudly all evening.

I am lucky in that my XP has DS fairly regularly - two afternoons a week at the weekend currently (thinking of increasing it to one full and one half day) so I get some time to myself as well. This is wonderful, and TBH it's more time than he ever spent being responsible for him when I was with him.

I have thought about dating but TBH I am just enjoying it being me and DS at the moment. I wouldn't want someone else here, having input into the way I want to do things or questioning things or anything. I am quite happy on my own for the time being. I do get lonely and it would be nice to have someone to help around the house, but for the other things that come with it, I'd rather be on my own for now. If I see anyone it will be when DS is with his Dad or in the evenings for the fairly near future.

Hiya wheresmypaddle.

Like I said, take some time to think and dont rush either way.

One thing I've learned over the years is that the traditional family unit has developed over thousands of years and although we may live in more enlightened times, often we revert to human nature. So now you have a family, many women like to be looked after. You want your man to go out and provide. Not 100% but mainly. Its pretty obvious from your post that one thing you struggle with is the idea of being both the main breadwinner AND the main parent.

The answer which only you can provide is how much does it bother you? Your (ex)DP probably has always been into his sport and to ask him to change now may seem unfair. Life's not like the movies and perfect but we all have our own lines in the sand about what we will accept or not.

If you do decide to remain alone, you can be happy. I was. But I also knew one day I wanted someone else. Then what? I've been a stepparent and it is WAY harder than being a single parent. Try adding in 2 ex's and compromising your way around two sets of kids, one set of whom you get all the responsibility and none of the credit for! The patience and compromise required will make you yearn wistfully for a simple life!!!

So....don't rush and be brutally honest with yourself. There's no point trying to live up to someone else's expectations or worst still a media induced Hollywood ideallic life. So for example, if what is important to you is a man who earns more then don't be afraid to admit it to yourself. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself! The resentment will grow and you will hate yourself and him.

Again I realised this a couple of years back. I met a great woman. We got on SO well. She had a great personality, no kids but great with mine, good career and earned £30k+. We got on great and she adored me to boot. Life together would have been easy street. Except she was erm....a bit larger than I usually like. I wrestled with my conscience for a while and tried to see past it but eventually ended it. Shallow? You betcha. I hate myself for it. But if I'd have carried on I would have hurt her even more than I had already. More importantly I was wasting her time. I learned some valuable lessons there. That a) I like slim ladies b) I am shallow and c) I am who I am.

I'll probably get lynched by the Mumsnet mafia now but hope it helps in a way!

Niceguy2 - 'I'll probably get lynched by the Mumsnet Mafia....'

What? Again!

Don't like your statement about women wanting to be looked after, but too tired to elaborate so .

OP - take your time, find your feet, don't be scared it's not all that bad.

Thanks for your messages everyone (even you niceguy .

Feel free to keep the positive messages going, any ray of hope that this will be OK is really welcome!!

I am happier as a single parent than I was when I was with DS's dad. Yes it is hard at times but no more so than when I was with ex really.

I enjoy being just me and DS, in a chilled happy home. Like bertiebotts I dont have lots of money but am in a much better places financially as I know where I stand with my money. Life is about me and DS being happy and we really are.

It doesn't sound to me like your ex was really very ready for a family. Is he very young?

That aside, I've been single parent from day one (even gave birth with just me and the midwife) and it is hard. I work full time; DD was in full time (excellent) childcare from 4 months; and, as a result of changing jobs to better accommodate work/life balance I now have to fit my champagne tastes to a Babycham budget (which is not going well). It is hard but it's better than being with someone who's not pulling their weight or, frankly, on your side. It's hard that everything's up to you (although you're probably used to that already) but once you get into the groove of it, that's also one of the best bits.

I'm crap at relationships and have a sort of semi-relationship that comes and goes with DD's father but it'll never go anywhere. I just carry on with it because I can't be arsed to sort it out or be bothered with anyone else. I'm old and cynical though. You're probably young and gorgeous and, if you are single, you have the opportunity to meet someone who doesn't take the piss and who will love you and treat you accordingly.

Don't despair. It can be lonely, frustrating, and tiring being a lone parent. But is also edifying, and often simpler than coping with a partner who does nothing.

As Niceguy said, be really sure about splitting up. There is no such thing as a perfect man or woman, and as such, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Decide whether it is better to be alone with the hope of something better, or do you love this man enough to forgive his shortcomings.

Being alone gets easier. It can be fun. I have a really close relationship with my DS. II make all desisions about our lives without having to consult with anyone. What little money we have I can spend as I please.

When I can't find the time or the energy to take out the rubbish, do the washing up, tidy the house, etc while DS is bugging me, I get it off my chest, cry a little, whinge about being all alone, and then I pick myself back up and get on with it.

Get to know some other lone parents. Share the load with others who know.