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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Lots of questions from a new single mum

12 replies

Lenanshee · 09/05/2010 22:52

Sorry for long post...I'm new and I've got a lot of questions.

I have a five month old baby boy and my fiancee of ten years left me ten days ago for a woman he's been having an affair with for the past two months.

I'm curently in shock I think. We had an incredibly strong, happy and loving relationship and his behaviour recently has been completely out of character to the point where I feel like he's been taken over by aliens. A few people have mentioned that perhaps he is having a mid-life crisis or has PND. Anyone else experienced this?

He's also saying he wants us out of our home because he wants to move back in on his own. The mortgage is in joint names so I know he can't remove us, but he has not collected his personal things and refuses to give up his keys. I'm worried that if I go out for a bit he'll come round and move in or take things out of the flat that belong to both of us. Can I change the locks?? Does he still have to pay the mortgage because his name is on the bill even though he doesn't live there?

We weren't married so he is refusing to support me with spouse maintenance and says he'll only pay the CSA minimum. But as I was his partner for ten years, isn't there some 'common law wife' rule? I've applied for benefits which should help.

Lastly, I'm worried about contact with the baby. His behaviour is so erratic. He brought this woman to our flat and slept with her in our bed when me and the baby were out. I'm nervous that he'll take the baby to see her to show off what a 'great dad' he is or invite her round. I don't know her and I can't bear the thought of her holding my baby.

I'm also not ready to see him yet so I've had to arrange for his family to be there so I can leave before he arrives. He is very angry about this and sees this as having supervision.

Since he left I've been getting quite threatening and aggressive texts and emails from him, about me denying contact, but in actual fact he has cancelled three visits and seen him twice. And also my 'unreasonable' demand that me and the baby are not made homeless. Apparently I am cruel and vindictive because of this.

I saw a solicitor who was no help, she said as I wasn't married I have no rights and suggested we sit down and amicably work it out. But he's not rational at the moment and I'm too upset.

I just don't understand what has happened to him to make him behave this way?

OP posts:

hellymelly · 09/05/2010 22:55

Well I have no constructive advice,I'm sorry to say,but how horrible for you and what an utter shit your partner is being.His behaviour sounds appalling,what on earth do his family say about this? Have you got any people around you for help and support?

Original poster

Lenanshee · 09/05/2010 23:03

Yeah he is being a shit. The odd thing is I'm not angry with him - maybe I'm still in shock - mostly I just feel devastated that he's wrecked everything.

His family are as shocked as me and they're being very supportive even though they're loyalty is to him as their son. I have some great friends and family around me.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 09/05/2010 23:06

Possibly he has freaked out over becoming a father? My friends partner got in such a state when she got pregnant after 6m of trying that he tried to force her into an abortion.I'm glad you have people around you.Are his family talking some sense into him? are you hoping he might come back or have you decided that its over?

Original poster

Lenanshee · 09/05/2010 23:10

I don't know. I don't think I can forgive him for what he;s done and the way he's treated me on the one hand, but on the other I know this isn't him and I want the best for my baby which is the normal him....Very confused.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 09/05/2010 23:23

Yes,it must be really hard.Would he go to counselling? I expect he is taking refuge in this new relationship to avoid whatever has freaked him out.All you can do is find out your rights regarding where you live (I don't think its correct that you have none) ,not let him bully you,and do whatever seems right for you and the baby.Get his family to back you up where possible and look after yourself in every way (eat well and rest when you can,get help with the house if you need it).I'm off to bed now but will check the thread tomorrow,just really feel for you dealing with this and such a small baby.

Original poster

Lenanshee · 09/05/2010 23:24

Thanks for your advice. I should follow it and go to bed too.

OP posts:

cananybodyhelp · 09/05/2010 23:35

Do you think he might be taking drugs of any kind? My partner freaked out and became addicted to painkillers shortly after my dd was born. He didn't behave as cruelly as your partner in terms of other women, but he was definitely having some sort of crisis and it was really alarming.

If you want to CAT me feel free - it's a hard time but you will get through it.

mrsfollowill · 10/05/2010 00:00

what a complete knob. some guys are children forever - it sounds like he has freaked out and cannot cope- sadly some guys will always be like this. you can do it alone if necessary. my friend was left alone with 3 under 5 including baby twins and has been a star. Your solicitor is right- there is no such thing as common- law- wife unfortunately. Hope you get what you want/need. You are much much stronger than you think you are and can manage alone if needs be, BTW there are good guys out there! my friend is getting married again this year and is blissful stay strong and good luck

semirurallife · 10/05/2010 10:08

dear Leanshee, hope the advice above is helping. just wanted to add that I split from my ex when our little one was 5 months old - it was horrid, no denying that, but 5 years later - [its gone quicker than you'd imagine, your baby will see to that ] I am re-married to someone whgo knows how to be a husband and a father, and happy.

but you have to start by looking after you and your baby. I reckon you have two choices. one is to get some ground rules, and fast. like he cannot be shagging new woman in your bed, cannot make you move out, and needs to wake up and smell the coffee. second, if he's beyond reason, think about going away for a while. If he threatens you, call the police. Have you got some realtives you can go to for a while until he cools down? also ring women's aid and get some advice from them, he sounds way off track.
Arm yourself with info and advice and support, and get clear about what has to happen for you and your baby to be okay. look after you two and forget him, at least for now, what to do will become clearer if you do this, I think.... good luck and big hugs

Supercherry · 10/05/2010 13:46

First of all you need to decide what you want, you are priority here- and your child. So, if you want to stay in the house, you need to get him to agree to having his name taken off the mortgage- he CANNOT make you move out. You will need a good solicitor- get the half hr free advice from a few different ones and see who you like.

If you change the locks then he isn't technically liable to pay his half of the mortgage- courts will see it as you 'renting' his half from him as he doesn't have access. However, what he doesn't know won't hurt him so if he continues to pay half then let him. If you want to stay in the house on your own then consider your finances. You can get all or most of the mortgage paid by housing benefits as a single mum. You are enetitled to income support (jobcentre appointment!) and child tax credit and child benefit (which you should already be getting). You can get surestart vouchers too for milk, fruit and veg. You will get along just fine financially without him.

Or, alternatively, do you want out of the house? If there is equity can he buy you out? Can he afford it? All bargaining tools here.

Be really assertive with your ex and act like you don't give a toss. Do not put up with his bullying or unreasonable behaviour- record it.

If you at all worried about his behaviour around your baby then go for supervised contact, if only just for peace of mind.

Keep the threatening texts and emails, this is harassment- I would consider going to the police to be honest. You don't need this shit right now.

Really feel for you, but you sound switched on and you will get through it.

hellymelly · 10/05/2010 21:01

Forgot to ask how old you both are?

Original poster

Lenanshee · 11/05/2010 18:44

Thanks everyone for the good advice.

Hellymelly - I'm 32 and my partner is 35.

I spoke to my doctor today as I'm feeling quite low who has referred me for counselling and was really supportive.

I'm coming to terms with it now and feel less in shock. I'm trying to focus on the baby and making sure we have as stable a future as we can.

I want to stay in the home. He can't afford to buy me out and wants either to move in here by himself or for us to sell it to release the capital. I'm not moving though, so he's going to need to take me to court if he wants the home and I think a judge would rule in my favour.

Trying to be strong and ignore (and print) is nasty emails.

OP posts:

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