Don't think I ever want to "settle down"

[Lizita]

I'm a single mum who has a boyf (doesn't live with us). Thankfully he is nowhere near ready to "settle down" although both of us would like to in the future, and have a child of our own.

Or so I thought... recently I've started dreading the idea. I think it's what with reading threads on MN about nightmare dps/dhs, or at least all the problems that occur in a relationship/marriage. And it's also because have a boyf allows you to have a bit of an insight into what issues you MIGHT have if you ever settled down/became a parental team etc. Although perhaps that gives hope for the future, problems can be nipped in the bud, I am so happy being a single mum & having complete control over our lives, I really hate the thought of someone else coming into the equation.

On top of that, i've started having flashbacks of the birth & first couple of months of dd's life (she's almost 2) and starting to think I really DON'T want to go through all that again! I'm sure I'd feel differently once I did settle down and dp really wanted it too, but.. hm m....

Anyone else have these feelings?

Don't feel the same really but fair play to you hun

Well, maybe he's just not the right bloke or you're still very young or...all sorts of reasons. Think, when teh person and time is right, there are less doubts, it doesn't seem so overwhelming. However, I do still hanker, sometimes, for teh simplicity of my single motherhood days.

hm interesting... i'm not young, 29, but our relationship is only 2.5 years old, we're not ready at all to settle down. You're right, I suppose when we are ready I'll feel differently, but all the possible issues & disagreements do scare me... at the moment i can just ignore half of it cos it's not really relevant right now, iykwim. if we are to settle down one day some things would have to be ironed out or clarified or something.
E.g. boyf is no cook, he would have to learn how to cook because although I like to be in control of what I eat, there's no way i want to end up being responsible for the whole family's eating every day. And i'd rather my boyf is completely independent before we settle down - I can just imagine ending up being "mother" to him too. (Just the other night he asked me to help him fry an egg beause, he said, last time he tried he burnt the pan. I've also ironed his shirt for him a couple of times before we've gone out. It's funny because if we were living together I don't think there's any way in hell I'd say yes to those things except in unusual circumstances.
There are other child-rearing issues too, that we'd disagree on, like whether to use a dummy, or how long to leave a baby crying, or the use of reigns... at the moment they're just interesting discussions for us (because of course I get the last word) but if we were a parenting team it'd be so much harder.

But imagine me trying to talk to him now about all that!!

Dykwim, at the moment it's a fun relationship in which we're both 2 independent people and issues like that don't matter, but I can totally see how marriages start going wrong and people get fed up with their dp/dhs. Cos I can totally see that happening with us if we settled down...

Well, there's your answer . Don't settle down with this one. At the risk of sounding cloying, when it's "the right one" it just evolves it's not so angsty

It's a complicated one though, not your average relationship. We got together just before I found out I was pregnant, told him he could take a hike if he wanted but he stuck around. It's only angsty because I'm a mum, it makes you think so much more about the future etc, like I said, I have much more insight into it all. If I hadn't got pregnant, the relationship would have evolved in the way you're saying. We might even have been living together by now, or considering it soon. When we got together it felt like I'd met "the one", not that I believe in "the one", but ykwim, it felt "right" and we so clicked and are so similar and have so much in common......

I met my boyfrind when i was single with two kids- and had had enough of playing so called "happy families"- had years of doing that with my ex

We've now been together for 7 years- and had a child together ( which wasnt planned) but we still dont live together- this is a situation that we are both very happy with, I think we've both got used to our own space

I went to uni with a girl last year who was pregnant. I knew she was a single mum with a 9 year old dd so asked her if she and the new baby's father would get serious - she told me they both had the same father!! I was gobsmacked, but apparently they broke up when her dd was a baby, he moved out and they got back together 2 months later but he just never moved back in.

She was a bit worried about settling down too, she thought because of her pg he would want to move back in, but he didn't, so they still happily don't live together.

I think it's fab!!

Im exactly the same. Im 21 with a 2yr old dd. I alwayts dreamed of settling down young and having lots of babies. now I dont want to lose the independence that I have (nor do i wish to take care of another adult). I like not having to consider anyone else all the time, other than dd, of course. I would still like more kids though. my boyf (we are on a break at the mo -he wants us back together, but im not sure i do) is due to go to uni in sept - he has been accepted to two - one 3 mins away from my house, the other about 2 hrs away. know its awful to say, but i want him in the one further away cause i feel smothered. hes perfect tho...just dont want it..had concluded that there was something wrong with me

I know what you mean. I was pretty gutted when my ex and I split but now I am happy on my own. I love my wee home with my dd, seeing friends and family, am having a good time.

I have been out with a couple of guys recently but neither were right for me.

I would like to settle down at some point down the road, have more kids, try the family thing but I haven't met anyone (yet) that I would like that with!

Also I definately have commitment 'issues' now, fear of losing my independence, fear of getting hurt... etc

I tend to think he's just not right for you. He may have felt right when you met him, but you've changed, your life's changed, your situation's changed... I think when something's right, you know it, it's not something you need to think too much about.

I personally could not tolerate a man who couldn't cook his own egg! But tbh in the situation I'm in, a man coming into it would have to be offering something very special indeed for me to consider the disruption (in the positive sense) to my and my children's lives, worthwhile.

I was chatting to this guy last night (rather drunkenly) who is a single parent about finding a boyfriend/girlfriend and he said he thought your standards go up when you have children which makes it harder. I think it's am good point.

Yep. And also, it's not just that your standards go up, but you're very wary of introducing even someone who meets or exceeds your exacting standards, to them. I'm very aware of the danger of getting involved with someone who then disappears after a couple of years, leaving them with the impression that men disappearing out of relationships is the norm. So it's easier not to get involved at all.

Exactly... and relationships can be so bloody stressful! Not the 'right' one I am sure but you have to go through a lot of crap to find that. A lot less inviting when you have kids.