Shall I tell DS that his dad's "friend" is actually his new partner?

[Rumbled]

My ex has told DS (five) that she's a friend. This was a few months ago. Since then, the relationship seems to have progressed a lot, with her joining my ex and DS on the weekends DS's with his dad, and - according to my ex - them being increasingly affectionate around DS. It looks as though she will now be moving in.

My ex has no intention of explaining to DS that the relationship has progressed to her being more like a girlfriend; he says he'll answer any questions if DS has them. But I feel that DS should have it explained to him, however casually, that Daddy has a new partner. I don't want him to feel confused by catching them smooching in the kitchen. I don't want him to think that "friends" go round squeezing each other's bums. So I've been fighting the urge to tell DS, mindful that it's my ex's business and he wants to deal with it his way. But DS is my business, too.

Shall I mention it to DS, kind of in passing without making a big deal of it? Or do I need to be respecting my ex's wish to keep quiet about it? If I had a new partner who was becoming pretty obviously serious, I wouldn't dream of not explaining it to DS!

I'm not sure. I understand your POV, but still feel it should be up to your ex. Can you not talk to him and explain your concerns and go from there?

Done that, Shiny. That's when he said about how they'd been quite touchy feely in front of DS, and that his plan was to talk to DS only if he has any issues with it.

I think what also gets to me, thinking about this, is that I don't think that my ex isn't telling DS because he's thought about it and believes it's genuinely unnecessary. I think he's a chicken when it comes to this sort of chat. When he left, he didn't explain to DS that he was going; he just left. And then when a bewildered DS asked him what had happened, his dad said (to a three-year-old), "Erm, what do you think?" Thinking about it like this makes me feel more inclined to say something to DS. He will be going to a family gathering tomorrow with his dad and his new partner. He's already asked his dad why Mummy isn't going, and my ex didn't have a response and looked flailingly at me, so I quickly made something up about being busy. It would be easier if DS just knew!

Oh, I dunno. Time to sleep on it. Thanks, though.

so the poor mite has never had the "mummy & daddy both still love you but..." chat?

"Erm, what do you think?" to a 3-yr-old? Honestly, some men!

I agree that you need to say something to DS but no idea how you should initiate the conversation

Not with both of us, Ponders. No. I've done the chat solo though. And I think my ex has added reassurances later on once he's felt comfortable. Still piss poor IMHO, though.

I'm not phased about having a bit of a chat with DS about this new relationship; more bothered by whether or not it's my place to.

Thanks.

While your XP was a cowardly shit for saying 'what do you think' to a small child in those circumstances, 'friend' is a perfectly reasonable general term for non-related adults when describing them to a 5 year old. Smal children are not that bothered about the subtleties of adult relationships, they are concerend as to whether the person is well-disposed towards them and does s/he bring sweeties when comin to visit.

But Rumbled's DS wanted to know why Mummy wasn't going to a family gathering with Daddy, SGB - when the new "friend" is - I think he's entitled to an honest explanation in terms he can understand, & it should be his dad who does the job, but he's clearly not up to it

Personally I'd tell him myself. If his dad is not that great at communicating with him anyway he may not even find out that you've said anything. And even if he does, your son is the most important one in the situation, not your ex.

I have been in this situation and my 5yo is pretty savvy. in fact as ex is currently on his 3rd girlfriend since our split and ds outed ex's new girlfriend to me. Very funny to hear that conversation must admit. Sometime men are crap and dont want to commit to the relationship which everyone else can see it is but somehow they can pretend isnt by not calling it one. Cowards that they are.

The family meet could simply be example as mummy's family, daddy's family and ds' family being both sides. Which is the intention and route we have taken. If new friend is moving in ds is going to have to understand more as it puts the final nail in wht ever illusion is haboured about mummy and daddy getting back together.

Thanks for further posts. Solid, I'm not sold, TBH. I think if Dad's putting his arm around his new partner, holding her hand, giving her the odd kiss with DS around, that DS should know she's his girlfriend - and especially if she's going to move in. I don't behave this affectionately with my "friends". I have one touchy feely male friend who has a habit of taking my hand every now and then, and I've asked him not to do this in front of DS, because it just doesn't feel right. A man and woman holding hands seem like a couple, no?

And as Einstein said, at some level, DS will harbour a hope of us getting back together, and I think it's fairer he is told about Dad's girlfriend than works out the finality of our relationship himself. The question is whether I step and in and talk about it if my ex can't/won't.

Helen, I agree that DS should be put first in this scenario.

Spoke to spineless ex this morning when he came to collect DS, who said, "Erm, I don't know what to say to him." I should know this week if she'll be moving in or not. If she will be, I'll ask ex to say something to DS and, if he doesn't, I will.

Thanks for advice.

OK I posted before seeing Rumbled's second post about the family gathering but I still think that 'friend' is an OK designation, because not only do small DC not have much interest in the subtleties of adult relationships, not all adult relationships are heteromonogamous anyway and unless/until people move in together or marry, 'friend' will do perfectly well.

Fair point, SGB.

I have said to DS's dad that, if his girlfriend is going to be moving in (which we'll know by the end of the week), I'd like him to tell DS the nature of the relationship, and if he doesn't, I will.

Thanks for posts.