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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My mum thinks we 'need to have a chat'

24 replies

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 21:40

She is the last person I want to take advice on, but she quite clearly thinks I am falling apart, which I probably am, BUT I don't want it to be her that solves my problems.

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compo · 08/05/2010 21:41

What does she want to chat about?!
Hope your ok

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 21:41

from not on

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RedLadyBiscuit · 08/05/2010 21:42

What do you think she is going to say? Can you have some solutions in your arsenal? I find with my mother that if I have a quick retort for every criticism, she backs down pretty quick.

Anything we can help with as fellow nearly-falling-aparters?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 21:43

It is because it all just kicked off here and i went slightly ott but i have had a crap week, what doe she expect me to do.

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MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2010 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedLadyBiscuit · 08/05/2010 21:45

I've had several mornings like that this week. Luckily no one was around to hear me

Can you call her first to head her off at the pass? 'Hi Mum, just wanted to say sorry for the big ruck here earlier - it's been a really long week and the kids have been driving me nuts. Thankfully they're all in bed now and I'm off soon. Will feel loads better in the morning. Give you a ring soon. Byeeee'

MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2010 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dollytwat · 08/05/2010 21:51

can she offer you any practical help that you'd be willing to accept MrsM?

I don't know the history of you and your mum, so I might be wrong here, but maybe she really wants to help?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 21:52

She was here when it kicked off, it was as she was leaving that she said 'i think we need to have a chat' she has dd1 with her as it was dd1 that it kicked off with.

I am just so so tired of it being so hard and there being no one there.

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Dollytwat · 08/05/2010 22:06

I know it's hard when you're on your own, and it's even more hard to take help and advice. But if she's willing to actually help in some way, and you could think of somthing she could do that would help you, she might back off a bit.

Maybe she feels guilty for not doing more for you?

I've accepted help before, had to bite my toungue a bit, just to be able to get through the tough bits. How old are your DC's?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 22:50

She thinks I went ott and that we are all always shouting at each other.

We are, she is right but ffs why is everything always my fucking fault.

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Dollytwat · 08/05/2010 22:53

oh MrsM could she babysit for you to give you a break? It's not your fault, it just seems that way. We all shout and go a bit ott I know I do, but that's just what happens when you're tired and fed up and you don't have the support.

Wish I could help, where are you?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 23:04

ooh yeh she will babysit til the cows come home but what she is saying is that our family is fallin apart and that it is my fault.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 08/05/2010 23:32

And the worst thing was. I sat here having a slight panic attack over it all and realised that there was absolutly no one I could ring to calm me down.

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Dollytwat · 08/05/2010 23:46

what happened earlier? why did it all go so ott?

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2010 01:42

Without knowing you or your story - is it possible that what your mum means is that she sees you are struggling and wants to help you work out how to get more help?

gillybean2 · 09/05/2010 02:24

If she tells you it's your fault again then simply say that her constant criticism is NOT helping and in fact makes matter worse. Tell her that you know you'll never live up to her high expectations but that you're doing the best you can in difficult circumstances, where getting by from one day to teh next is an achievement for you at the moment, and that what you NEED from her is support not criticism. If that doesn't shut her up and she starts off again then ask her what support she can actually offer you as the criticism isn't helping...

I know that probably sounds confrontational, but sometimes that's what people need to make them realise their comments aren't actually helping and what you need is actual help.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 09/05/2010 10:39

Sorry, I ended up crashing out with a banging headache.

Basically, I was in the wrong last night because I went ott having a go at dd1, who was yet again having a go at me for something her dad (xp) had done. I was absolutly sick and tired of it and so flipped and shouted loudly, alot and swore.
I'm not proud of it and have no real excuse other than that I have had a shit week with all 3 dc being ill on and off and also being ill myself.

My mum as she was leaving (taking dd1 with her) said that we needed a chat, I said we didn't. I then phoned her to see exactly what she meant by that and she got upset and said that she thinks I need help because we are all always shouting at one another, and that I don't seem to care about anything anymore. Oh she also said that earlier in the evening I had threatened ds with bed because he was misbehaving, and that I then didn't follow through. I didn't because as far as I am concerned he stopped misbehaving.

Now let me explain slightly about me and my mum. When I was 12 my parents got divorced and I did the unthinkable and chose to live with my dad. I say chose, I actually had to fight like a dog to be allowed to live with him. My brothers also stayed with my dad.
So imo me and my mum are not close. We probably appear to be, but that is because of the kids and the fact that she lives within spitting distance of me.

Now my mum and dd1 are very close and I have no problem with that but i think my mum is deliberatly trying to pull dd1 away from me, to get back at me for not choosing her all of those years ago. I think she wants me to know how it feels for one of my children to reject me.
Me and dd1 do have a tough relationship and my mum is using that to her advantage by constantly having dd1 round at hers and treating her like a princess so that she wants to stay there.

OP posts:

compo · 09/05/2010 12:52

is dd1 back with you now?
I'd give her a hug, apologise for losing it last night and ask her what she wants to do today
sounds like you need a bit of distance from your mum tbh
hope your head is feeling better today

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 09/05/2010 14:24

Thank's

Dd1 isn't back no, she has gone out shopping with my mum, not sure when they are due back.

I know that my relationship with dd1 needs work and I have been trying so hard with that, but I feel like I can't compete. Here she has two other siblings that also need my attention. At my mums she gets 100% attention, use of laptop when she likes, gets waited on hand and foot and control of the tv remote.

Last school holidays me and dd1 went out on our own to an csi exhibition, did a bit of shopping and had a burger and generally had a great time, but I rarely have the money to do things like that, and dd being 12 is generally only interested in doing things that cost money.

I think you are right though, I do need to put some distance between myself and my mum but I dont know how to. She lives in the doorstep and we see her most days. Dd1 also tends to pop in there most days after school for an hour or so.
My mum has just retired too, so it is very very rare now that I get to do anything with the kids on my own, my mum always wants to be there too.

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myalias · 09/05/2010 15:15

I May be way off mark here but from your story it could be that your mum feels intense guilt. Your dd1 is the same age as you were when you went to live with your dad. She is probably making that time up with her grand daughter that she should have spent with you.
I hope you feel better today.

Dollytwat · 09/05/2010 21:08

I think Myalias might have a point here MrsM.

Maybe she could babysit for your other two, giving you the chance to spend some time with your DD.

The fact that you didn't have your mum around in those important years means you have no point of reference do you, and neither does she really. She can see you're having a tough time and is trying to help, but isn't really from where you're sitting.

Maybe it's time you both had a talk about what happened when you were 12, get it into the open, and find a way forward.

If you can find a way to forgive her you might be able to find a way she can really help, she obviously wants to.

Monty100 · 09/05/2010 21:23

MrsMorgan - when you have the chat, put your foot down a bit with your dm and dd. You are dd's mum, tell yours to step back. I'm quite cross for you, that's really manipulative behaviour on your dm's part.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 10/05/2010 13:35

Thank's all

I have to say that I don't think my mum feels guilty about me not living with her at all. She hates to talk about it and if ever we do she always tells me that I only rememebr what I want to remember about it and that I only chose to stay with my dad because he manipulated me, which is totally not true.

I am 31 now, and have never regretted the decision to stay with my dad once. It was her behaviour during the divorce that prompted me to fight to live with my dad. I have told her this but she refuses to see that she did anything wrong.

I do recognise that I am struggling at the moment and agree that things need to change, but I don't feel like I want my mum to be the one that helps me with it, not now.

I still do feel like she is trying to take dd1 away from me and I am going to try and pull back some control over that.

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