50:50 Parenting

[foxy123]

Have just split up with the father of my 18month old daughter and he wants to have her 3 days a week. He would be taking her over the other side of London to stay at his mums. I think a child needs to know where their home and this could be unsettling but maybe I'm just being biased?

Shared parenting doesn't necessarily equate to 50:50 time.
And while he may 'want' 3 days a week has he considered what is in your dd's best interests in asking for that? Question his as to why he thinks that is best and if you disagree then put your case to him and between you I'm sure you can find a good compromise.

My best guess is he is pushing for as much as he can, aiming high knowing he will probably have to give a little. Whereas if he went if for 1 day a week and then had to compromise... You get the idea.

Shared care can work, but he needs to put aside the 50/50 demand and work with you for the best needs of your child. Arrangements can and should be flexible as your child grows and needs change. What works now won't necessarily work when dd starts school for example.

Firstly can he actually accomodate 3 days a week? Does he work? Who has/would have dd when he was at work? IS he expecting his '3 days' to always include the weekends?? How is that fair on you if you do also work? Do you work? If not then maybe this arrangement would give you the chance to get a part time job, if you do then maybe it will help reduce your childcare costs... Does he realise that even with 3 days a week he would still be expected to pay you maintenace...

At the end of the day your dd has two parents who want to play a significant part in her life, even though they are no longer together. Money can't buy that. See if you can work together for your dd's sake.

Yes leaving your child (even with another parent) is incredibly hard, but your ex is going through the same as well. And in time you will get used to it and may even come to appreciate your own space and time.

There is no reason a child can't have two equally important parents, two homes, and two people who share the responsibility of caring for them. How you finally agree to arrange this is between you and your ex, but don't dismiss it out of hand just because you believe you are the more important parent to your child and your child only should have one home and one parent now. The world has changed a lot from the days of mum being the main carer while dad brings home the bacon as it were.

Look here www.spig.clara.net/
for help and advice on shared parenting arrangements.

Best wishes, it's a long road ahead but work together and your dd will be the one who benefits long term

Good luck
Gilly

Thank you so much for your message I really appreciate it.

I agree all I want is what's best for our daughter and I don't want any of this to affect her, although I can already see signs but hopefully not long term.

He has been working part time and has never contributed to any of the household bills. He will be moving into his mums house and then moving out to rent somewhere after a month, although how he will finance this I have no clue, as he was unable to pay a penny for the last 5 years he has been living with me?!

I offered him last night to have her Thu-Sat as he doesn't work Fri/Sat so he gets 2 days off with her. Then I would have her Sun-Wed and I would only get Sundays off with her as I work all week.

Now he's saying it's not fair as I'll be having her 4 days so he wants her Sundays every other week which would mean I get NO time off with her! That is totally unreasonable in my opinion.

50/50 can work and should really be worked towards if possible. But you getting no time at weekends is not fair.

Have you explained to him that you want at least one day a weekend with her, or perhaps you could work something out so the weekends are alternated? You get a full weekend one week, then him?

Good advice from Gilly.

50:50 wouldn't work unless he lived 'round the corner from you. SHe will need to be near her own nursery and doctor's clinic and so on for the next year, then she will be going to a pre-school five days a wekk the year after that! 50:50 is not going to work out and he knows it.

And no judge is going to order 50:50 so that HIS MUM can look after her..

I think every second weekend is good with one afternoon and night over a week. But then HE has to get her to her nursery the following morning, so he'll probably ditch that when he's got used to his new life. sad but true.

He had a good offer on the table, and now, just like our relationship, he has screwed himself up again. He is very good at destroying his own life.

Well at least he has agreed to mediation so watch this space. I really don't know how this will all work out as I am not prepared to drive her over the other side of London or to pick her up from over there. He's the one who decided to cheat so now he has to deal with the consequences.

Gilly is spot on with her advice.

From experience, shared parenting can only work if both parents are committed to making the sacrifices required in the interests of their child.

This would involve compromising on issues which you'd rather not. For example driving over to his place. Every fortnight my ex & I each take turns to do a 200 mile round trip so the kids can spend time with her. I could easily turn around and say "Sod it" but its not in my kids interests.

i dont think the childcare issue is relevant = if parents work, there has to be childcare. the residence is about nights really - so if three nights or four a week -who cares for child in day whether it grandma or school is not relevant.

Niceguy2 how long do the kids stay with each of you and how old are they if you don't mind me asking?

I'm very glad you're going to mediation as it can really work well for people - after all, it doesn't seem like you are too far apart in terms of what you can agree on.

Have you thought of any counselling for yourself? It's much easier to sort out childcare decisions if you're getting help with the feelings of anger and betrayal. You're entitled to think that he should 'take the consequences' but that means your daughter has to as well, and it's not her fault.

Having two loving parents fully involved in a child's life is ideal, and I don't think you can insist he does all the travelling. As cestlavielife says, you both work so the childcare issue isn't relevant and many people would say being cared for by a family member is better than 'paid' childcare.

I don't mean to be hurtful but if you would you be so concerned with the idea that 'a child needs to know where home is' if a court decided that home should be Daddy's house?

You should definitely have some time off with her, of course. Why not suggest alternating Wednesdays instead of Sundays?

It's good that you're going to mediation - that's the best way of working this out. I suggest that you also work out what would be the ideal outcome for you. You may not get it, but it's good to know what you want to work towards, and not just react to what he wants.

My ex initially sought 50:50 (well, he claimed various things. At one stage he tried to bully me into accepting that he would have her Mon-Fri and I would get every weekend. It was a mixture of love for DD, spite towards me and an eye on the benefits he would be able to claim). What we have now is that she spends two thirds of her time with me and one third with him. It works pretty well.

Hi Foxy

The kids stay with me full time and visit their mum alternate weekends with additional time over school holidays.

This came about over time and wasn't an overnight thing. Contact arrangements naturally evolve over time and its unrealistic to expect a routine agreed now to be suitable for an 18month child to be workable when she is school age, teenager etc.

I would say as the main carer that the most important lesson to learn is when to bite your tongue and when to fight. It's easy, too easy at the beginning of a split to get indignant over some issue or other and lose sight of whats important. And that's long term stablity for the children.