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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

hiya, just wondering if your dc's don't see thier dads, what your relationship is like with your ex inlaws

15 replies

piratecat · 03/05/2010 10:16

as my dd doesn't see her dad anymore, and i am fortunate in that my inlaws live abroad. I was thinking how hard it must be if you have them nearby, or isn't it, and what is the set up with them having access .

OP posts:

HanBanan · 03/05/2010 10:22

My x inlaws are great. They've always been there to help out babysitting etc when I need it. They have my DD on a sat when I work all day. Her dad sees her for a couple of hours then, about all he can manage!!!

I'm moving to the UK (we all live in spain) and have told them that they are more than welcome to come and stay with us and they have said viceversa.

I think it depends on what type of people they are but I've always been grateful to them and they have always wanted to keep contact because they love their grandaughter to bits.

Must be hard for them because their son has stopped paying any support and never calls us etc. They probably worry they will 'lose' their granddaughter, which I am careful to reassure them will never happen.

maristella · 03/05/2010 10:35

my relationship with ds' paternal gp's is quite strained. they live 4 hours away. their son, my son's father won't see my son. i have invited the gp's to stay every year, until a couple of years back when i insisted that they either see him, or back right off. i did this at my ds' request. they saw him once. i have tried to arrange another meeting, but they won't visit us, and they won't put us up. conversations between us have always been tricky, as the grandma will as talki about how great her son is, and what a great father he is (to his other children) and quite frankly i will not have that.
after a discussion with my ds we have decided not to pursue a relationship with them.
it's their loss.

Meglet · 03/05/2010 21:32

XP's parents live a 4 hour drive away so obviously we only see them a few times a year. They visit when in the area and send birthday / xmas cards and the odd e-mail. So as good as can be expected really. I get the impression they are not that impressed with their son's behaviour.

I see XP's sister every so often, we are in the same town but both dead busy so we don't get much chance to meet up, but when we do it's fine. He's not in her good books either.

chubbasmum · 03/05/2010 21:49

my dd doesnt see her dad anymore his choice as for the ex-inlaws i was shunned like the she devil with an extra horn although it was their son who did the dirt. My ex mother in law died last year and on her death bed i got a phone call to apologise which i thought was very nice and sad at the same time because they missed out on so much,she did get to see her gread-daughter before she died and his dad now sends x-mas cards and b-day cards which i do appreciate

Lindax · 03/05/2010 22:01

I am speaking for all ex-inlaws!

My selfish self obsessed twat of a brother whom I love dearly left my ex-SIL 15 years ago when dn was 2 and lives about 400 miles away, visits a couple of times a year at most and to ease his guilt spoils her on birthdays and Xmas and then doesnt even bother to phone in between.

My family and I have a lovely relationship with my ex-SIL, both with my dn or with just her. Like most relationships it all depends on how people get on and whether all parties want to make it work and are open.

If it can be done it is always great for dc's to have more people to love them - grandparents, aunts, cousins etc.

Although I expect it would become more difficult if ex-SIL had found a new partner and extended her family, sadly she never met anyone else.

ineedtochat · 03/05/2010 23:18

x has seen dc 4 times in the last year. paternal grandparents once, when I took them to their other son's house to visit x and his family.
I feel incredibly sad for dc, but paternal grandparents have never bothered to ring them or keep in touch other than sending (c**p) presents for birthdays and christmas and even when x and I were together I used to say we needed to adopt the children some grandparents.

rasputin · 03/05/2010 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DevonParent · 04/05/2010 13:02

Whislt I am separated from DS's mother, I have always taken the view and upheld the view that whilst separation/divorce often represent the breakdown/ending of a relation between DS's mum and myself, IT IS NOT the ending/breakdown of a relationship between DS and mum's extended family, including DS's maternal grandparents.

When DS who is presently 4, expressed a wish to see his nan, as his mum had not taken DS to see her for some time, I got on the phone and arranged a day out to see both DS's maternal grandparents. This has now turned out to be a regular monthly event where we travel and spend the whole day together with them. I make a purposeful effort that DS's life should not changed, simply because his mum and I are now separated, so we make cards etc for DS's nan and grandad (birthays, easter, xmass) and on occassion for other memeber of DS's mums' extended family.

Visits to and both DS's and my relationship with his maternal granparents is both enjoyable and cordial. In respect of DS's mums other extended members of her family (ie. ex-SIL, ex-BIL's), they are not as yet fully reciprocating, nor apparently able to get their heads around any sort of continuance of DS with themselves, or indeed their children (DS's maternal side cousins), whilst DS is resident with his father. They seem to hold the view that separation/divorce instantly cuts-off all contact/interaction with the DS's father and that for them to see/interact with DS whilst in his fathers care/residence is a 'no-no'. I have Shared Residence of DS with his mum.

racmac · 04/05/2010 13:48

As a child whose father had no contact - id see my dads family reguarly. Sadly my dad's dad dies when i was quite young but my mum would take me to visit - he was quite ashamed of his son and i remember him as being lovely.

I also kept in touch with my dads siblings and their children until i was grown up.

I think the difference was that my mum and his family were all united in the opinion that my father was a wanker

lou33 · 04/05/2010 13:53

not seen mine for years and years

ex mil was banned well before we ever broke up, so that is about 7 yrs,plus she lives in ireland

ex fil has never been interested and lives in cornwall, so again miles away

this is for the best as they are both damaged goods imo, tho the fil less so

Meglet · 04/05/2010 23:02

LOL racmac

Same here, sad but true. XP has been such a twunt he has isolated himself from not just the dc's but his family too.

Original poster

piratecat · 05/05/2010 13:45

For me it's odd, cos this yr my ex inlaws will make their trip to the uk. see thier son, and come and see me and dd. They will leave my home, then go back to his. What DO they talk about? They havent' seen their son 'with dd' in the same room for 3 yrs. This is due to breakdownin dd's relationship with her dad, and not her fault.

well weird. but prob weirder becuase it's just the one time a yr. i feel for them i do, but i feel for dd a hell of alot more.

OP posts:

slimbo · 05/05/2010 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BallpointPen · 05/05/2010 17:09

When DD's Dad was alive the relationship I had with his parents wasn't the best, pretty sure they blamed me for him being a loser but at the same time knew I wasn't and disliked me for highlighting it. They all saw her but we lived 300 miles away from them so not often but I did and still do me best to keep up a relationship with them.

Since he's died it's been better, they must have realised that he was ruined long before I knew him and have stopped blaming me so much. DD goes to stay with them for Easter, some half terms and for 2 weeks in the summer hols. We are never going to be friends but we have a link through our mutual love for DD that keeps us civil and cooperative.

It's very important to me that DD has a good relationship with her family, no matter what side they're from. I guess from reading about other people's circs that I'm lucky my ex-in laws feel the same.

RedHairedGirlie · 06/05/2010 22:36

In the same situation as rasputin, dd has no contact with her flake of a father, but has regular contact with his parents - they totally love DD to bits and always enjoy spending time with her. As my relationship with them was only formed when pregnant, I am getting used to them being part of our lives.. but sometimes feel like I need to keep my distance a little - I think more due to my dealing with the situation and still finding it a bit too weird sometimes... Dread wondering what to tell dd when she is old enough to understand...

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