Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

organising access

9 replies

Dominique07 · 02/05/2010 22:18

How do I go about organising access?

I'm having an annoying and upsetting conversation with my ex.

I don't know what to do,

HE says he is being really DENSE.
he says: i don't need to tell you what i am doing Monday to Friday.
he says: I'm going to have DS saturday and sunday.
I'm asking him: Why, if you don't work, can't you chose to see him during the week
I can't be away from DS EVERY weekend!

I thought ... he was saying he'd have DS at some weekends and i'd have him some weekends... which would be fair.

And I could do with some support with dropping off and picking up DS from the childminders as I can't make it to work on time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dominique07 · 02/05/2010 22:34

Sorry I meant, I think he is being deliberately dense.

OP posts:

Dollytwat · 02/05/2010 23:12

Dominique in my experience you need to have a routine that happens every week/fortnight that only changes if it's unavoidable. Don't try to work around changing days as it will end up pissing you off.

Your DS will benefit from a regular routine of contact as will you, so that you can plan around it. Don't let him be vague about when he's having them. Draw up a calendar if necessary.

Original poster

Dominique07 · 03/05/2010 09:53

I was concerned because he was being very rigid saying that he would have DS every weekend. I told him that I've made arrangements with the childminder so that he only picks up DS two Fridays a month.
Today is a new day, and he seems to have accepted that!

I would like to arrange that he has DS for a couple of nights in the week also, but at the moment he doesn't want to do anything that might help me, and inconvenience him.

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 03/05/2010 10:03

Well in that case, he would soon have realised that every weekend would seriously inconvenience him. Personally I'd have happily agreed knowing full well he would cave after missing out on going out with mates every weekend

Original poster

Dominique07 · 03/05/2010 10:24

I worry too much...
He is sending me texts saying he can prove he is the main carer, that he can show that he spends most time with DS. He asked me for DS's full name (well if you don't know it...) so he is trying to threaten to take DS away from me. In my mind there is a possibility that he would be very happy to be able to stay at home 5 days a week and receive income support and be able to be a full time parent.

But yes Niceguy, you're right.

OP posts:

Over40 · 03/05/2010 10:32

We agreed one weedend in 3 (as he lives 3 hours away) and one night in the week. He company has an office up here and they pay for him to stay over in a hotel so it works well.

When my ex and I split up a friend was getting married to ....a family law barrister. Very useful the free advice was too!

He advised that if anything ever came to court (god forbid!) the judge would look to see that each party had been "reasonable" and that if any arrangements had already been running for sometime, it would be taken that the parties involved were happy with them.
My ex wanted our DD every other weekend and I felt this was too much given the distance (she was only 2yo as well!!) and that's how we ended up with the one night a week extra. To be honest he rarely takes this up.

He doesn't get to just TELL you what he is having - every other weekend would definatly be the norm so I would stick to that.
Sounds like he is using the access to have a go at you and won't do anything that might help you out. I wasn't sure how old your DS was.... does he do a club anynight of the week our ex could pick him up from the childminders for? He might see that as something for him, not just doing you a favour.

Tanga · 03/05/2010 15:34

Have you thought of suggesting mediation? Arrangements for the kids is such an emotive topic, separating couples often really benefit from a third party being there. Whilst a court would certainly support you in terms of every weekend not being reasonable (particularly if the child is of school age)they will only be concerned with what is best for the child,so saying you want him to have contact during the week to help you out won't go down well either. So mediation to try and work out something mutually agreeable would be best all round.

Also, if he doesn't work, he would have an argument for having Shared Residence as being cared for by a parent may be seen to be preferable to being in childcare. Would that be practical (eg do you live close together?)

Original poster

Dominique07 · 03/05/2010 17:57

oh it is very complicated, he keeps changing his story, depending on whether he (feels upset) wants to upset me, or (if he is lonely) wnats to be friendly.
I expect we'll work it out, it is very new now.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2010 18:02

HOnestly, get a third party involved ie mediation. A third party will keep reminding the pair of you that the child's interests come first, and it will not be a matter of yoru XP telling you what will happen. Generally the norm seems to be alternate weekends and one night midweek for the NRP.

Flip