How do a reassure my DD and say the right things since separation?

[teaandcakeplease]

Bit of background for you. My H and I separated at the end of October 2009. He was and is still having an affair. The divorce is now progressing, since he made it clear he has no wish to ever move back in or end affair.

Lat year was very hard on my lovely DD. She missed her daddy terribly as he was away an awful lot (carrying out affair) which unsettled her as he was often away for days and when home seemed very out of sorts and then it all came to a head when I discovered the full deception and moved out with 2 DCs.

My DD is age 2 and isn't 3 until July. My son is currently 15 months. My son is a very sturdy chap and seems to be fine with everything. However my beautiful daughter (even now) still struggles and misses her Dad

She often cries and says she misses him. I try to ensure she see's him at least 3 times a week and does good things with him and me. My H is living with his dad, unemployed and looking for a job, so he has plenty of time on his hands right now. However the OW lives 4 hours drive away so whenever he goes to see her he is away for 3 nights at least. So my DD and DS will see him lots and then he goes away for a big stretch and then they see him again. Which in a weird way is harder on my DD it seems.

I said to him we need clearer boundaries and contact times as I hate how distressed she gets.

Can someone whose been through this tell me what I say to my DD to reassure her and advise me on contact regularity that will bring her more peace and security.

FWIW my H is fairly unstable and cannot cope with looking after them overnight or seeing them alone. Just so you know now before advising me.

Sorry it's so long.

ahh tea poor DD its bloody typical isn't it , if you denied him contact he would be screaming blue murder , yet here you are asking him to see his own children & he ignores you . Sounds like he is going through a mid-life crises .
Hopefully the mums&tots group will cheer DD up a little , talk later x

distraction, distraction...

"yes daddy is lost, but daddy is still in your heart and you will see him soon"

could you have a photo of daddy for her to kiss ?

maybe make it a routine of saying "hello daddy" to the photo?

we can talk to daddy's photo til you see him.

lots of children have dads away working or whatever, is harder to explain he away because he feels like it but maybe think up some simple thing to say that you will say each time.

"yes daddy is away and can't be here right now, but that is ok because we are going to do xxx and yyy."

maybe have her record something onto a tape or digital recorder each day -"hi daddy i am going to go to xxx today bye"

or would that feed the obsession?

might be worth you asking GP to see a family therapist for advice on what to say? if it affecting her so much?

how did your tots group go did DD cheer up a little bit ? poor baby , Hope your day is going OK tea , x

Yeah she's ok. Both asleep. But H has decided to turn up. AT least that'll make her happy when she wakes.

Catch up later?

I think that perhaps you should avoid the daddy subject a bit....might sound strange but they need to get used to him being a weekend dad at best if he's going to carry on as he is.

But then I've been lucky, my dd was 3 n a bit when we split last august and she hardly ever asks about her dad. She sees him once a week. We talk about him a bit but I make sure these convos are casual.

I made sure she understood from the start 'daddy lives with nana and grampy now' and didn't wait for her to ask where he was. and have gradually introduced her to the girlfriend idea by talking about what his girlfriend does for a living etc.

She's taken it all in her stride.

I'm sure your DD will settle. Make sure she knows what day she will see him on and talk about it casually.

All the best, it's bloody hard isn't it!! But number one don't feel any guilt for the kids and remember they are resilient and adapt better than us adults

I don't talk about him ever. Took all photos down months ago.

She raises it. Wish my DD was as easy going as yours. Hopefully in time she will be.

hmmm -i can see the rationale behind not talking and talking..

if child brings up daddy then need to answer the question etc... wondering where she gets the idea of lost and missing from though?

maybe find some kids picture books on the theme?

but - maybe teandcakes dd does need validation that daddy still exists and that the daddy/daughter relationship is still tehre even when he not seeing her regularly?

maybe she should have a photo of dad in her room by her bed?

(ideally this should come from dad and dad should be making the effort - but if that aint gonna happen have to improvise...)

my oldest dd doesnt talk about dad; youngest does and eg on weekend away she said "can i buy a present for daddy?" i said yes of course.

but also - maybe would be easier/better if visits with daddy take place outside teaandcakes place?

I really like your advice cestlavielife. I see what HanBanan is saying as well but I think I do like photo idea etc.

Hi tea , how are you today ? x

Been out all day, drove up to Essex to see a friend whose H has decided he only feels about her "like a friend". She's pregnant with their 3rd child.

Men hey? But I'm good. Managed to squeeze in voting early. And you? How's the desperate housewives

your poor friend her H sounds like a right GIT ,
lol all is calm on mysteria lane thanks keeping my distance lol . have viewers this coming Saturday so fingers & toes all crossed .

Hi tea, I have been through this twice so sorry for long post . DD was 4.5 and constantly needed reassurance. Repeatedly told her we both loved her very much, we would not argue so much which would be nicer for her, and would not be getting back together- something she kept asking. Once she accepted that, she set about trying to find me a new man! #2 left when ds was 2.5, and went straight into weekends with ow. Glad they did now as ex has married ow and had dd. Felt like a martyr whilst smoking on the inside at the time but they are both v secure and have good relationships with their fathers.
DD says she never felt like she had a single parent as he was always around, but acknowledges that many friends have been less lucky.
Try to encourage their relationship, no matter how flaky ex seems at times. Your dd is big enough to speak a few words to him by phone a couple of times a week. I've always found that helped tide dc over and puts less pressure on visits.

Just popping in to say Hi , hope you are having a good weekend

Yeah it's been fab. Science Museum in London yesterday and the dinosaur section of Natural History as well.

Today seeing my mum and dad and going to a Steam fair.

What have you been up to?

wow you keep yourself busy , having a quiet weekend here , just getting ready to go to the park , enjoy some of this lovely sunshine
have been asked to babysit tonight by (she who shall not be named ) even though ive been keeping my distance guess the message is not getting through .

Good Lord, that takes the mickey! Did you say yes? I'm assuming you did. You're far far too nice!

How did viewings go?

Amazing day at Carter's Steam Fair You should look at pics of transport they use. Brilliant stuff, love the smell of the steam. My DD was mesmerized by the all the steam powered rides and organs etc. Also watched a Punch and Judy whilst there.

I don't keep that busy usually but do like to get out, keeps me feeling positive since my H ditched me for OW also good for DC's too. My parents paid for rides for my LO. Very kind of them. Yesterday took a picnic to Science museum all homemade and simple to save money too.

yep you guessed right i said yes . i am rubbish at saying NO to people , Dh is not impressed with me at all , she is dropping the lo over to me at 8.30pm .
hopefully she wont be out too late as I'm up at 6.45am in morning to get the dc's sorted for school . Viewings went well i think have to wait & see i suppose .
Ahh sounds like you had a great weekend its great to keep the lo's entertained .

I can't decide what's worse. Her having the gall to ask, or you agreeing.

You're too nice. Hope you don't get to bed too late. About to climb in myself as I'm freezing and will read a book for a short while before sleep. Exciting world I live in

thats exactly what DH said lol

Well i have the lo asleep here on the couch beside me , it was a bit strange actually , as she handed over the lo to me my other neighbour appeared (the 1 we had the row with) in her driveway & they both started to laugh & nod to each other while i stood there , guess they must have a private joke going on . feel a bit down now as DH reckons i am being Blatantly used .

You are and the thing they were laughing about could be anything from them claiming you were trying to get back in her good books (which you don't need to do, as she twisted your words, you never did anything wrong). To claiming you're gullible or something.

They're both horrid. You shouldn't have agreed

What time did she collect her LO?

good morning tea wasn't too bad actually as she was home at 11.30pm, still tired this morning though , yep reckon your right , the mind boggles as to how two grown women can act like that , i feel like an fool tbh & i am really trying very hard to keep ex mate at arms length but she still keeps coming over . its a very awkward situation . DH reckons i should just be upfront & tell her im not happy with the 3 ring circle of friendship thats going on here as she is aware of the troubles neighbour has caused us in the past , but that would mean letting them know how upset i am & give them more ammunition iyswim.

Make yourself more busy and unavailable? They are behaving like school bullies. In fact everytime I read what's happening in your life it makes me . They're horrid and take advantage of your good nature.

I don't think a full on confrontation would do any good probably and may make things worse, as she'd just go back to neighbour and talk about it, just keep putting more distance between you and try and be out more or busy maybe?

thanks tea , thats exactly what i am trying to do but its not working , she can see me coming & going so knows when i am home & pops over , the minute we close the hall door after coming home she knocks in , we dont even get a chance to take our coats off , same when we are just about to eat dinner she will sit at the dinner table with us & Dh wont eat then as he feels uncomfortable so her dc gets fed dh's or my dinner , we are just fed up of it tbh , dh wants me to be blunt with her but as you said i think that will only cause more trouble . Don't know what to do

I'm sorry tea i have taken over your thread with all my whinging you have been a true friend to me over the last few weeks , thank you x