Advice needed please.

[MrsWillis]

This is probably going to be quite long so I apologise in advance.

My DH left me in January for someone else. He first met her in August and she went out of her way to 'get' him. He claims he didn't meet her whilst he was with me but he was texting her and phoning her since December. He moved in with her on the day he left me yet he still claims he didn't leave me for her. We had no real problems in our marriage, no reason for me to ever suspect anything.

We have 2 DC who are 2 and 1 and he sees them 2 nights a week from 5.30pm until 7pm and every Saturday from 11am till 6pm.

When we split up I asked him not to introduce his girlfriend to the DC yet as they are so young and he barely knew her yet he let them meet her a few weeks after he left.

He is always changing the nights he sees them at the last minute and the access has to be on his terms otherwise he gets really arsey. He used to put them to bed on the days he had them but now doesn't then he can get back to her.

He pays me £200 a month maintainence yet only paid me half last month then he had enough money to put a deposit on a holiday for him and her.

His SIL is best friends with his now GF and knew about him texting her and that he was going to leave me for her yet even when I asked her if she knew she denied all knowledge. When it all came out at first she was texting me to tell me to kick him out then texting him to tell him to leave and going and meet this other girl.

I asked him not to let her see our DC again as in my mind she had no thought for her niece and nephew when she was encouraging her best friend to go after their dad and break up our marriage.

I have found out tonight that he is taking them out tomorrow with his GF and his SIL. It's the only thing I asked from him apart from them not meeting his GF yet and he just does them anyway.

I'm not really sure why I am posting this but I just feel like a mug all the time. He dictates everything and I just let him do what he wants then he doesn't mess me about.

He won't babysit for me at night as he says that he doesn't have to do me any favours anymore and he won't reply to texts or answer his phone when he's with her even when I had to phone him to tell him I was taking DD to A&E a few weeks ago.

I'm just not sure whether to leave things as they are and let him do what he wants to keep the peace or whether to seek legal advice or what to do really. I'm worried about it going to court as he's told people that I used to attack him and he suffered domestic violence even though I have never touched him in all the time I have known him. He also said that I have a bad temper and I attack people when I'm angry so I am worried that if he said this in court they would take the children away from me. I'm not like this at all, I don't even tap the DC's hands or anything like that.

Just needed someone to talk to, sorry for the rambling post.

sorry to hear about your problem i experienced something similar to you i would seek legal advice i wouldnt worry about the domestic violence allegations its just a threat, my ex tried that one as well and it didnt work, as for the money your best bet is CSA you might end up getting what you are owed might be more or less, are you divorced yet? and is he employed?

You can't dictate who he let's the dc see in his time...... You really can't unless there's a welfare issue. It's up to him. Entirely.

Go to csa.

If it goes to court he'll prob get what he wants anyway if not anunreasonable request.

Pick your battles, it's a long road ahead

Oh Mrs Willetts my heart goes out to you - this situation is just totally awful. Totally awful - you need a really big hug.

First of I would definately seek legal advice and put your arrangements on a formal footing. Particularly in relation to money as he is clearly being unfair if he has money for a holiday and not support his kids. Dont worry about the lies he has spread about you - I am assuming the police have never been called or you have been charged so I really cant see that anyone would believe him.

I have been in a very similar situation to you - my husband left me for another woman when I was pregnant.

I too felt there was nothing wrong with our marriage and when he first left and it was all raw I thought the other woman had persued him. But over time I have realised that yes the woman behaved appauling but he was the one that had the responsibility to me - he was the shitbag. You have to believe that to move on - he has wronged you. You are the one in the right here and you have to behave with dignity and keep the moral highground at all times.

In terms of babysitting - I would if at all possible not ask him to do this. Dont ask for any favours from him. I think you need set access times that are stuck to completely rigidly. Over time when emotions are less raw things could improve but at the moment set times only.

I personally would not the ex in my home. At first I would have found it too painful but also why should he be able to come around and play happy family for a few hours. No way he gave up his chance to be a 'proper dad' when he left.

I also had massive anguish about letting the Ex's new woman affectionaly know as 'slagface' see the baby. I fought against it for a long time but the reality of the situation is as you already know you cant really stop him and as I have mentioned before keeping dignity is vital. And finding peace about it yourself will help you move on.

In terms of the sis in law I think you have to let that one go - she has been a cow to you but I am sure she would do no harm to your kids so dont lower yourself into a row about it.

To summarise:
*Realise he did this to you not her
*See a solicitor and contact csa
*Dont have him in your house
*He has to take the kids and see them elsewhere
*As painful as it is give up the battle re OW and SIL seeing kids
*Dont ask him for favours
*Always keep the moral highground - things like always having the kids ready on time for him to pick them up are important
*Do not engage in any discussions or arguments with him.

Hope that helps - I really do understand how hard it is and how lonely you must feel.

If it did go to court I wouldn't ask that they didn't see anyone in particular or anything, that was just something I asked from him but he couldn't respect that.

We are not divorced yet as he refuses to say it was adultery but that's the only reason we can file for it. I think he is hoping I will leave it 2 years then we can file under that reason.

I know it wasn't just her to blame but I can't understand why she went after a married man with 2 young children in the first place.

I never asked him to babysit, he just told me a week after he left that he wouldn't because in his words, he doesn't want to sit in my house on his own when the DC are in bed as he would rather be with her.

We don't argue because the only time he is here is when the DC are up and I wouldn't argue in front of them. Not sure I can ask him not to come to my house because he can't have them at her house as she lives an hour away so it would be pointless taking them there when he finished work.

I'm just not sure whether or not to go to court for set access times or whether to just keep the peace. He is already slowly cutting down the time he spends with them even though he knows he could come every night if he wanted. I have always said that no matter what he did to me, the DC come first and they idolise him especially DS so I want them to spend as much time with him as possible.

I think you were hoping to much for him to respect your wishes and not introduce them to ow. He did not respect you enough to keep his pants on and your family did not mean enough to him for that - so I think you have to accept he is not the person you thought he was. I know it is tough but you have to get that straight in your head.

Ok the divorce can wait - I think you need to sort out the current issues first. He will soon agree to divorce when he wants money from the house etc. For the moment forget about that it is not the priority.

I still think you should not have him in your house - where and when he sees them is his problem. Maybe his could take them to his parents or somewhere if they live nearby. But whatever that is for him to sort out not you.

Sorry if i sound harsh but I have been in your position - and it will take you forever to get over this is you have him in the house twice a week every week.

He has to take YOU to court, you can't take him, or in any way force him to see the dc....... It's down to him

If I don't let him look after them in my house though then the DC would miss out on seeing them. He has nowhere he can take them at all and I wouldn't really want him taking them out at 5.30pm so I'm not sure there is any other option there.

I don't understand why he has to take me to court? Is that because I can't make him see the DC? So if I refused him access or he felt he wasn't getting enough then he could take me? Is that how it works?

There is no money to be had from the house or anything when we divorce, we were renting and have both moved out of the house we were in together. He has moved in with her but she only has one room so that's another reason why he has to come to my house.

What happens when we do divorce? Does it go to court then or only if we disagree on something?

Some really good advice here re. keeping your dignity and especially not to ask him to help you out with the kids if you can really help it.

And especially sorry for you the way his sister colluded with the other woman to get your man. What a couple of freaky bitches!

And the bit about realising he is actually a different person than you realised is a great point. This will help you understand you are not a mug, he's just a weak man and you deserve better than him. Deep down I guarantee you he knows this too.

Right lets get this straight your x or whatever you now call him. will regrett it, he will one day be begging you and u will not b their 4 his BS. KEEP UR HEAD UP STAY STRONG XXX AND EVERYTHING THAT SOPH 24 SAID

The sooner you go to the CSA the better IME.

Once the claim is triggered they can back date it if he doesn't pay. Fair enough a lot of dads manage to get away without paying or try and cheat the system but it's still better than leaving it hanging.

CAB can give you more advice. And you should be able to get a free session with a solicitor.

You can't force him to see the dc's . But it's still early days, give it some time and he will hopefully settle into a routine of seeing them regularly.

Thank you for all your replies. He has paid me for this month now and has taken my bank details to set up a standing order so will see if he keeps it up.

I honestly wouldn't mind if he didn't want to see them, it's his loss not mine but I hate him messing them and me about and changing his days and times around for no reason.

I do feel like I am moving on slowly which is good but then he can say something nasty and it sets me back again.

You need to get some free legal advice on what to do about contact and getting a fair amount of money for child maintenance...........there are a number of options other and in addition to the CSA.

Get the financial income your children deserve not what he deems to give you.

Visit our website and read up on what is available to you!

diyfamilylaw

I used the calculator on the CSA website to see how much they would make him pay and he pays that amount.

But there are other things you can claim for through the courts........it would depend on your particular circumstances.

A court can order a lump sum of money providing the money was for a specific thing relevant to the upbringing of the child, the court has the power to order him to provide property for the child to live in [subject to his own personal circumstances!!] and they may be in a position to order top up maintenance payments if he has net income of £2,000 per week, or if your child is disabled,.

Obviously do not know your circumstances, the ages of your children, his circumstances but there are options out there under the Children Act 1989.

Its covered in greater detail on the UK based website, its info that is free to access.

diyfamilylaw

In addition.....if you stop him seeing the children he can take you to court. It is quite the norm for men in his situation to threaten he will make allegations against you. Women in this situation having to cope with a realtionship breakdown, in the manner it has happened, trying to keep it together for the children find themselves very vulnerable. I have no doubt he will threaten to apply for residence of the children.....thats a classic, and because you feel you are battling this alone you feel that he will go ahead with his threats, and the courts will remove them from you.

The courts see these sorts of applications day in and day out. Allegations and cross allegations. If he does not qualify for legal aid this would cost him an arm and a leg, so you have the advantage over him if you are eligible for legal aid!!

Just because an ex turns up and accuses you of .....being aggressive, drunken, abusive does not mean the courts believe it! Every set of papers the judges open every single day in the family courts are full of allegations and cross allegations.

This jerk knows which buttons to press, like many in his situation he knows exactly what to say and do to have you dance to his tune.

Don't let him bully.......you are holding all the cards if you could only see it! Be careful and be mindful not to upset the DCs any more than they are already, nor use them as a stick to beat him but stand your ground and insist on a strict contact agreement and if he will not be tied to something which he thinks is inconvenient stand your ground and let him do all the running and incur the significant costs of going to court.

The court will not tolerate a Dad who turns up when he feels like it, letting the children down. A judge will soon wipe that cocky smile off your ex's face!!

Deep breath.....you are tougher than you think!!

diyfamilylaw

My H and I separated last October due to him having an affair with a 21 year old. He too has 2 very small children of similar ages. So you're not alone and I sympathise.

I've already begun divorce process as the petitioner. It didn't matter to me which way round personally.

I sought legal advice and have actually found it very comforting. You can also divorce for unreasonable behaviour as well as adultery or separation. I personally think it wouldn't hurt to speak to a solicitor anyway, discuss his accusations, visiting rights, maintenance etc and know where you stand legally. Even if you choose to go no further at this stage.

There are far more wise people on mumsnet than me, but that's my opinion FWIW.

Btw thought I would mention that my ex that eft me when pg for ow - totally regrets it - urs will too one day.

In terms of him not taking them out the house at 5.30 - I totally agree that is too late to take a 1 year old out but maybe he could take the 3 year old out for tea once a week.

Iam sorry to labour the point about not having him in your house. But you realy will never move on - if he is coming around twice a week and carrying on as if nothing has changed. It is bad for you mental health and also he does not deserve that previledge of having that intimate access to your home and family. He left you in an appauling why and is far from bending over backwards to help.

I see what your saying about the children missing out but that is just one of those things - you cant compensate for what he has done.

I persoanlly think in the longterm you best access decision with him living an hour away - would be for him to have them once a week overnight. I know you will hate the thought of the ow having access to them - but I really think that saves you having to mix with him and keeps your children's contact with their father. It allows you to keep ur dignity.

He can't have them over night, his GF only has one room so no room for them and he has no plans to get his own place this year.

I like the idea about him taking DS for tea though, I think DS would love that.

I have to say though I do feel like I am doing ok with regards to getting over it. When he started the contact with her he turned really nasty which he now admits was to get me to throw him out so he didn't have to come clean about her. Then when I found out, he dragged it out for a week because he couldn't decide who he wanted. He even said to me once that he was going to meet her to see if she was worth leaving me for. How I didn't hit him then I don't know!
So in a way I was sort of relieved when he did leave.

I don't mind him being in the house really, it's only for an hour and gives me chance to get housework done. I just hate him laying the law down and making up the 'rules'.

I don't mind my H seeing children at mine either. I do the same, do chores etc whilst he plays with them.

Annoying he only has one room - this man is really not making his kids a priority at all - he sounds very selfish and have to say immature. He will really regret all this one day.

He has a job interview today and has told me that if he gets it he won't be coming at night anymore and will just have them on a saturday.

That will be better for me however I think DS will struggle with only seeing him once a week.

your DC are young they will be fine.

they will be fine with seeing him jsut on saturdays.

they will get used to a enw regime (well they have to).

better they get regular saturdays with him at his place than him coming round to yours.

also, as they so young I dont see the argument about the GF and the SIL meeting them. at that age should be fine. so long as they have consistency of dad on these visits.

he chose to move one hour away - he has to find a way to see them that fits in with them.