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advice on intimacy issues for child when staying in other setup

9 replies

fernfrost · 29/04/2010 20:10

My 6 year old stays with her dad and his girlfriend every other weekend - one overnight stay. She stays in a small bed in their room and I think this isn't right for her; not even if it were with her own parents, though this would be more frequent and unlikely admittedly. She has also just come and told me that she has seen the "boobs" and "butt" of the gf when she knocked on the bathroom door to ask if she could do some painting. They were "shwoering" in there my daughter says. The gf could have put a towel around her - or is it ok for her to act like mum would? She isn't a stepmother, yet, don't know if there are plans. Relationship itself 12mth old as far as my daughter knows, actually 2yrs. Why didn't she put a towel around herself?

Her dad had intimacy issues - hence we are not together. Way too liberal for my liking!! He messed up quite seriously actually but I hope this is behind him. I have had suspicions that the gf might/must be a bit that way also for it to be working, but dont know.

I would just like some advice and input. I have had to accept the intimacies of meals/bathime and the rest, but I have to be sure that I do not accept too much and things that might mentally/emotionally damage my daughter.

What do you think? Where else can I go for advice on these kinds of issues for separated families? Are there any good books on it all?


OP posts:
whywhywhydelilah · 30/04/2010 15:52


colditz · 30/04/2010 16:01

What is 'shwoering'?

Bear in mind that your daughter may see more in the showers at the swimming baths - what matters is how it makes her feel. Does 6she^ feel uncomfortable? Could you be projecting a tiny bit?

My sons stay in single beds in the same room as their dad and his Gf - they seem comfortable with it, and they are 4 and 7.

Tanga · 01/05/2010 12:50

Not very clear how seeing her Dad's gf naked/partially clothed could mentally or emotionally damage her?

Nudity isn't a big deal for many people and if the lady was showering she's likely to have just stuck her head out of the shower to answer the little one.

Could you be finding it more difficult to deal with than your DD? I mean, what are the 'intimacies of meals' that you find difficult?

Rindercella · 01/05/2010 12:57

"even if it were with her own parents" - when your DD is at her father's, she is with her own parent.

I don't understand what "intimacies of meals" you need to 'accept'?

How did your ex mess up quite seriously wrt intimacy issues?

Sorry for the questions, but I think these things need clarifying.

Nemofish · 02/05/2010 16:34

I am a stepmother, I have had dsd walk straight into the bathroom as I was getting out of the bath - yes I would have got a towel around myself if I had had the bloody chance! I also had an erm... shall we say 'intimate' piercing which dsd spotted, and went home and told her mum and grandparents all about! I was mortified, but saw the funny side, until dsd's mum gave me a snotty lecture and told me to be careful what I told dsd and what I showed her, etc, really not on how dare you. I cooly replied that her dsd had walked into the bathroom and saw it, none of my doing, but I was fuming.

I used to feel a bit self concious when dd stayed over, several times I have woken up at 6am with my busoms flopping out of my pyjama top, or my bumcrack bared with dsd in the room. It can't be helped, my dsd and your dd are not precious princesses that are going to be sullied by contact with women other than yourself.

FWIW I don't think that sharing a room is appropriate, simply for privacy alone, but that is up to your ex to sort out. I would also bear in mind, for your own sake, that the version told by a 6year old is often very different in reality, they say it as they see it, but that doesn't mean that's how it was.

I think that you need to relax a little and, if possible, get off your high horse.

chubbasmum · 02/05/2010 18:45

come on ladies be nice i think OPs is not comfortable for her daughter to be in the same room as the love birds, talking from experience my daughter had to travel to go to a funeral so she had to share a room in a lodge with her father and new wife bearing in mind she was 12 they both went to a nearby pub came back thinking dd was asleep and couldnt refrain themselves and got on with it. What i would suggest to OP is talk to your ex im sure they can move her bed into another room if not the living room

Rindercella · 02/05/2010 21:39

Ouch that anyone thinks it is appropriate to have sex with a 12 year old in the same room.

chubbasmum · 02/05/2010 22:28

thank you Rindercella some one agrees with me when i told my sister (who doesnt have kids herself) she said i was over reacting, ex doesnt care much as for dd sicko

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2010 20:29

OP: what are the 'intimacy issues' you are referring to? are you concerned that your XP may be potentially abusive to your DD, or is he the sort of man that insisted on having sex with you even though your DD was awake and nearby? Or is it that you are very uncomfortable with nudity in general?

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