Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

The decision to split and what happens next....?

24 replies

FrazzleRock · 29/04/2010 13:14

When you've decided to split from your DH but it's more your decision than his, what do you do? How do you go about splitting up amicably?

Basic story is, I feel like I've grown up and I don't think he's ready for that.
He would like us to stay together and I know he will change for a couple of weeks but everything will go back to normal as it always does. I'm tired of the rows now and enough is enough.
I have admitted to myself I'm just not in love with him anymore.
We have two DS's and own our flat, well it's mortgaged anyway.

I thought one of you my have been through something similar to me and could push me in the right direction!

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 29/04/2010 13:19

hi sweetheart sorry you're going through this

the main thing that helped finally make the break from x was that i realised all the arguing was starting to seriously affect my dd.

can i ask if it's just your name on the deeds or his as well? i only ask because (and i really hope it does stay amicable the whoel time) i only have experience of an ex who is a proper twit and it goes through stages of being nasty and horrible.

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 29/04/2010 13:28

Both our names are on the deeds.

It's heartbreaking to feel the way I do. I feel so guilty.
I'm going to split up our family and I admit it's my fault as it's my feelings that have changed but I just can't be unhappy for the rest of my life, I just can't.

I feel so so sad for the DS's as they worship DH. Of course they will see him all the time but he won't be there when they wake up every morning. I just hope they don't hate me for it in years to come

I never thought I'd ever be a single parent

Mostly I do feel like a single parent. Apart from the financial side, I do pretty much everything.

I'm really worried about the financial side of things.
I work full-time as a childminder but I can just about manage to pay my half of the bills with a tiny bit left over for me.

I can't expect DH to carry on paying half of the bills when he'll have to pay for his own accommodation to pay for

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 29/04/2010 13:32

i don't think they will hate you frazzle, the one thign that kept me going in particularly tought times was that it's better for chidlren to see two happy parents rather than seeing one unhappy parent and growing up thinking that's it the right way for them to behave in relationships by subverting their own feelings, iyswim.

i do think that it might be good idea to book a day off to visit your local cab.

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 29/04/2010 13:39

Maybe I'll do that then.

I'm sure I could get someone to watch DS2 for me.

We're both in limbo at the moment after the last row 3 days ago. Not speaking.
One of us needs to start that "What next?" talk.

We only got married last Sept. Been together 9.5 years. I've wasted everyone's time and my dad paid a fortune for our wedding. I knew then, deep down it was wrong but there was always something to blame my feelings on - I was pregnant throughout a lot of the organisation so blamed hormones then I blamed wedding stress.

I should have listen to my instincts.
I feel like such a fool

OP posts:

Tanga · 29/04/2010 20:10

Mediation, definitely. It can really help keep things focussed and it feels more 'real' and safer (not that I'm suggesting either of you is violent or anything) just to have someone else there to referee.

You're entitled to happiness, of course, but I'd also say that you seem to have made some fairly large assumptions about the future, given that you haven't yet discussed it; ie that the children will be living with you full-time in the family home. Your DH may have some very different ideas and if you want things to stay amicable then you should be ready for that and be genuinely open to compromise and negotiation.

Also having a look at a parenting plan is a good idea - you can download them off the net - they cover loads of details that you might not think of so you can agree things in advance.

Very best of luck!

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 29/04/2010 20:17

Thanks Tanga. Will look into Mediation.

I'm assuming the children will stay with me int he family home as I work from home as a childminder. If I move out, I won't be able to work. Well, I could but it wouldn't work as I'd have to re-register from a different address which could take ages and I'd end up having to start from scratch which I cannot afford to do.
DH works all day everyday and doesn't get home until 8pm.
Surely it would make far more sense for me to live in the family home especially as I work from here....?
If DH got to stay in the family home, he'd have to find a childminder/nursery while he went to work.
That seems like madness!

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 30/04/2010 12:07

do you get a day off in week, are your dc in school?

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 12:29

No I don't get a day off. DS1 is in school but DS2 is only 13 months

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 30/04/2010 14:29

only reason i asked was because you might be bale to get some advice from your local cab as to your legal position

singlestress · 30/04/2010 15:10

Very sorry to hear your situ

Can I just say I split from my DH last March and life as a single parent is tough on both of us, financially and emotionally. It was my decision and although we both tried to remain amicable it has at times been nasty and fraught with emotion.

Looking back I wiahed I had taken some counselling, Relate etc to try and work through things as I feel I acted too hastily in spltting up. Just a thought, of course you deserve to be happy and it maybe that after counselling you still decide to split up but wondered if you have both done everything in your power to work though things before actually splitting? Just wanted to share as wish I had had someone tell me how hard things can be as a single mum working full time before I took the leap. We may have been able to save things and a lot of hurt for everyone?

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 15:50

We went to Relate once a few weeks ago. Seemed to help for a couple of weeks. Can't afford to keep going, it's £50 a session!
I just can't have an over-grown teenager as a husband. It's too much work. Far too many 'final straws' for my liking.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 15:51

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 30/04/2010 16:00

the relate in my townhad a sliding scale, could you ask at yours to see if they have similar things?

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 16:10

What's a sliding scale?
We're not on benefits so we don't get any help

OP posts:

Megancleo · 30/04/2010 19:20

Hi frazzlerock, yep I was also married to an overgrown teenager for 22 years and feeling immensly guilty, I told him I couldn't take anymore 8 monthes ago. I'd known for a long time that i didn't love him anymore or like the way he lived but I'd tried for so long to keep the family together (outwardly that is, in truth I'd always been like a single parent to my 3dc)Theres been hard monthes when i've felt guilty (now i know I did the best i could) when i thought my ex would never have a relationship with his dc etc and bad times but we have ALL learnt to grow in these difficult circumstances. Tonight (this took 6 monthes) is daddys night, once a week i get time for me (never happened much in my marriage)and my dc have more of their dad then they ever imagined possible! On the other nights he still acts like a drunken or spoilt teenager but thats not my problem anymore(wonderful) Over the monthes he's seen that his relationship to his dc was a minimum and has learnt the hard way that he must do more than just put them in front of the tv!Its been hard, very hard sometimes but yes, I am very glad I left him. My life is authentic and I feel I am growing again,breathing clear air and looking forward to the future-good luck and give yourself time to heal.

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 20:02

That sounds wonderful!
DH is actually very good with the DCs. He's a very good father who really enjoys our boys.
He just doesn't make a good husband. Likes to stay up all night drinking then is rude to me the following day.
He's rude most of the time, can't hold an adult conversation, gets extremely defensive whatever I've said.
Honestly, if I'd said the sun is yellow, he'd say something like "are you saying I'm colourblind or something?" honestly, it's that bad!
I'm treading on egg shells so avoid conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 20:37

Bollocks.
He's just come home with his tail between his legs, a bunch of flowers and a gorgeous pair of shoes for me!
He's apologised and promises to try harder.....

OP posts:

mrsmharket · 04/05/2010 10:34

hi frazzle how was your weekend?

foxy123 · 05/05/2010 10:08

Hi all have been reading your above posts and am in a similar situ in some ways.

Have finished with my 18month old daughter's father as he was cheating (again).

Now we have to discuss our parenting plan. He is planning on moving to his mums the other side of London and eventually getting a flat.

I think he wants to take our little girl over there for 1/2 the week, his mum will babysit while he works back over this side of London.

I don't want to be a part time mum and I hate the thought of not being able to see her for half the week this is so unfair. any thoughts?

mrsmharket · 05/05/2010 15:56

i have some concerns about your x taking her across london for half the week, what happens when she starts school? is he likely to not return her? horrible thought tho

foxy123 · 06/05/2010 08:22

I am hoping by the time she is old enough for school he will understand she needs to stay in one place all week (hopefully mine)

I have already missed out on so much of her growing up as I had to go back to work full time when she was only 16 WEEKS old because he wasn't contributing to any bills.

Now I feel like I will hardly ever see her if he has her 1/2 the time

mrsmharket · 06/05/2010 12:03

get yourself to see either your local citizens advice or to see a solicitor, ask for one specialising in family law specifically one with experience of helping lone parents. each one should have a free half hour, go to each one and explain situation but go armed with list of questions and test each solicitor to see who you get on best with and which one would work hardest for you and your daughter. you would just be setting in motion a more concrete routine for your daughter and woudl have back up of solicitor should things go awry.

foxy123 · 06/05/2010 15:03

I think I will do that mrsmharket thank you x

mrsmharket · 07/05/2010 11:50

no problem foxy x let me know how you get on? if i'm not here to chat, i'm sure there are plenty of mn'ers who have been in similar, if not the same, situation

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread