Please help me figure out what to do about my ex

[ddandi]

Hi,
I'm usually a regular poster but wanted to change my name. I've been having problems with my ex in the sense that my 7yo dd has noticed how absent he is and it's really affecting her.

So a brief background. I split up with ex when dd was 8mo. I hadn't been happy with him, he had lied to me about lots of things and I knew we had to split up. He soon moved to his parents who are 2.5hrs drive. He has lived there ever since. Over the years things have gotten better between us in the sense of how we act towards one another. We can get on civilly, but I wouldn't say we were friends. But for years now I have been trying to encourage him to see dd more and speak to her more. Last year he visited her 5 times. I know it was difficult for him as he doesn't drive, but he had a job and could have saved up for the train or the megabus. Would have cost him no more than £40 for a weekend, and he would have been able to sleep at ours (I have a DP now otherwise wouldn't feel too comfortable with offering him to stay here). Or there is a Travelodge down the road which often has those cheap room deals. When he does come, he always comes with his parents so dd can't spend quality time with him.

Around Christmas, things really blew up. Dd had said to me that she wasn't sure if she wanted ex to come see her at the weekend he was coming. She said she still wanted her grandparents and his sister to see her, but wasn't sure about her dad. I asked why (and for months now, she had been refusing to speak to him on the phone because she was shy as she put it). She said because he doesn't make much effort with her, and if things carry on as they are, she'll just want to stop seeing him. It upset me so much that a 7yo would have these thoughts and feelings, and that they're because of her dad.

I rang him and told him, and got really angry as he said "well if she doesn't want to see me anymore, that's okay, but she'll know I'll always be here for her." I was so mad cos I thought it's so easy for him to prevent this. For Christmas she gave him a piggy bank and wrote that if he saved £5 a week, he could see her every couple of months on his own.

But I know where his money goes. It goes on drink and gambling. Just after Christmas though, he quit his job and hasn't had another since. He also got a new dp, but she lives 2.5 hours the other direction. He goes to see her every weekend, so obviously using public transport as he doesn't drive but no idea where he gets the money from. He gives dd £10 a week as maintenance at the moment as he's not working.

I just get so angry as poor dd misses him but doesn't like speaking to him or seeing him. When he does visit, she won't go out on her own with him unless I'm with her. And over the last two months, he hasn't rung once to ask if she's okay? But since Christmas, dd has been wetting herself every night and is now wetting herself during the day as he's suppose to be coming to see her not this weekend, the following.

I don't know what to do to make it better for her because clearly me telling him to call her or see her more isn't doing anything. Please help me or give me some advice as I don't know what I can do anymore. TIA.

Very fast response as not able to reply fully right now.

It seems to me like your dd was confused about her dad and wanted to force a situation where he showed her that she is important to him. Sometimes we push a person away to see how safe we really are because rather than go away they come closer and say 'I'm here for you'

Yo can't force him to see her more, but you could make it easier if it's what your daughter needs right now. For example if he is unable to visit more are you able to take her to see him sometimes too?

Tell him that she needs him right now, needs to feel safe and wanted and that this is what is going on. And because he hasn't shown her that she has reacted badly and is now having issued with bed wetting etc. Even if she won't speak to him when he calls he should still phone. Perhaps try a less direct method where he writes or sends her email too. She may say she isn't interested but I bet she sneaks a look at some point.

I'm sure you're giving her lots of hugs and letting her know that you and your new DP are there for her no matter what.

It must be very hard for you all

"well if she doesn't want to see me anymore, that's okay, but she'll know I'll always be here for her."

Oh I agree - there he is, right there, making no effort to move off his arse and see her.

The cold truth is that he just doesn't love her enough, and maybe she's getting to grips with that. And at the same time juggling that with her feelings toward him.

But the wetting herself, she's very stressed about seeing him, isn't she? - has she seen him drunk and violent, or angry? Does he scare her?

PS I agree with gb2. Good post.

deos she really miss him or the idea of him?

i dont see how child can miss someone she sees only five times a year - it must be more the idea of daddy, that her friends have daddies at home perhaps? but she has your DP - how do they get on?

presumably this has been talked about openely - does your DP live with you? is your DP effectively her day-to-day [step]daddy - while her biological dad loves* her but cannot be around so much.

• you can fudge this somehow!

to be honest - if it has reached the point where she is bed wetting at the thought of seeing him etc then i would ask gp to refer to a play therapist/family therapist.

she/you need help in addressing this situation. ie the impact of his behaviour on her and you....

accepting his lack of involvement.

deciding what boundaries to set/how she would like contact etc from her point of view - what she can control. what she cannot control...

you are not responsible for your ex's involvement - he is. you can encourage as much as you like - but you cant fix it for him.

your daughter is not responsible for his involvement either - he is.

all you can do is help her deal with this "rejection"... and deal with the visits when they do occur.

maybe some kind of open discusssion with a family therapist/facilitator/play therapist might help to tweeze out the real issues here?

thing is you know your ex's personality =-that is why you split - you can hope he will be better as a father - but if he isnt then he isnt....your daughter will ahave to deal with that relationship as she grows up...and maybe is better she accepts it as being limited? and make up for the "gap" in her life with you/your DP/other relatives etc?

if she says she doesnt want to see him - and he isnt prepared to put in the effort - then just stick to letter contact/email etc?

keep the lines open but dont force her?

Hi sorry for the late reply. I appreciate your help.

gillybean2, we took her to his parents house last year and she stayed for two nights, whilst dp and I stayed at a hotel down the road so she knew we were close by. She did enjoy that, but this was 6 months before it all went downhill. I do try talking to him, but he never really listens to what I say. He takes it in (I think) but then does nothing about it. However, me and dp are very supportive for her, and I tell her that she has so many people round her that love her.

MrsMargate, I did think that He often says to me "yes I know I'm a bad father" but makes no effort to change it. Dd hasn't seen him in any of those ways, except a few years back when me and dd stayed at his parents house where he lives, they all decided to have drinks one afternoon and then in the evening, left the two of us alone in the house whilst they went to the pub. I was more than angry.

cestlavielife, I do think it's more the idea of him. None of her other friends are in her situation, they still have parents together. She loves dp, and does think of him as a father, and he thinks of her as his daughter. She often chooses dp over me sometimes lol. He doesn't live with us at the moment. We're trying to get him a job locally so he can move in. Dd is very excited about him moving in, and constantly goes on about us getting married.

I had seen the doctor a couple of days about the bedwetting. We're checking it's not an infection just to be sure, but she has given me a number for a clinic who should be able to help with the situation too. But thanks for your suggestions. They sound like good ideas.

It's just difficult as I get so angry. Partly because of my own experience, as when I was 7, my dad left and I rarely saw him, so I know that feeling and I don't want that for dd which is why I get so angry and upset, and will constantly try to encourage though I know I'm fighting a lost cause.

how did your mother deal with it? how did she talk about it, support you? you can make it different for your dd...

thing is, it is out of your control. and your dd's too - but she can have a happy secure home, with you and DP, and a sometimes "real" dad who she sees from time to time...

i know what you mean, i get furious at my exP, but in the end just have to find ways to make it up to dcs in other ways....

Mum didn't deal with it at all. When dad left, mum didn't tell us or explain so it made it a lot more difficult. When she spoke about him, she would always be very negative too. Not that I blame her really, as he cheated on her. But yeah, I try my hardest to raise dd different to how my mum did (though I do have a strained relationship with my mum).

But you're right, I do try to keep her happy and we do our best to make sure she's not missing out. For example, when it's parents evening or if there's an event at dd's school where parents can come in, dp comes with me for her. Her friends think that dp is her dad and dd doesn't correct them. There was a time she wanted to start calling dp "dad", But I remember once she said to me she wouldn't call dp dad in front of ex. She's very clever for her age and she can read people really well.

His mum texted me the other day asking if dd would go out with ex on her own when he sees her next, and I said I didn't think she would as last time I had asked (and I have asked her since) she wasn't comfortable with it. She asked me what the actual problem was, though I've explained this to her before. She suggested that I should tell him to call once a week on the same day and same time. I told him yesterday to call on Fridays at 7pm. So will see in about 20 minutes if he sticks to that or not.