Access to new born baby

[Hodie]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and do not have anything to do with the baby's father.

Despite my feelings towards him, I should like the baby to establish a relationship with its father. A solicitor advised me Courts take the view that contact between a baby and its father should be 'little and often'.

This fills me with complete anathema, as I do not want the baby's father to come waltzing into my home. He is a sod.

Has anybody got any suggestions as to how to handle this one? I did think about meeting up in the local library with him, each Saturday afternoon for an hour. At least I could then leave him with the baby, while I trundle around looking at books.

yes,little and often is correct

you can arrange your own access,or via a contact centre ,but these are usually only open weekends

third party....his parents,yours etc

and you absolutely do not have to have him in your home...ever

is the father interested enough to stick with little and often??

Thanks for your help ThreeBlondeBoys. Going by his reaction to the pregnancy and me, I suspect he will display very little interest in his baby. That is a matter for him to deal with. Thanks again.

Could you maybe do the library one day, the supermarket cafe another while you do your shopping, the park another while you go off elsewhere? Even your local surestart centre could be an option.

None of these places are ideal. Could you perhaps drop baby off at your ex or his mothers place for an hour and then head off to the shops, or a cafe for a cup of coffee and a break.

Once a week is really not enough. You should be considering at least three times a week for an hour, maybe even more for a very young baby.

The other point to consider too is how will you feel about your very new baby being carted round to such places. It's not an ideal situation for bonding with dad too, which surely is what you are hoping for? And no one can relax with well meaning strangers interfering and baby's mum potentiall looking over your shoulder every two seconds. Are you really going to stop yourself running over every time baby cries and you don't think dad is dealing with it correctly...? It's very hard, and Dad won't learn unless he is left to get on with it.

You might find that once you have the baby you do not want to actually go all that far away, especially if you are breast feeding on demand for example. Remember that babies will feed every 3 hours and can take an hour to feed. So there isn't really that much time between feeds in reality.

So you may also find that you are ok with him coming to the house and taking baby out for a walk in the buggy for an hour to give you a break once you've actually got your baby here and find out the reality of the zombiefied existance you tend to live with a new baby!

Lots to consider, least of which is baby's dad even interested in contact at all, let alone frequent contact...

Whatever you agree between you I wish you lots of luck.

Best wishes
Gilly

does dad work?

Gilly - thanks for your practical and thoughtful advice.

ThreeBlondeBoys - yes, he is an employment solicitor. He works part-time. I hope he bumps his hours up to full-time, so he will be too tired to impinge on me and the baby, should, he take an interest in it. I know that's a heartless view to take, but that's how I feel.

I would not even bother thinking about this right now. Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy and preparing for birth. I wasted lots of time in pregnancy worrying about this very thing, and actually we've worked it out all fine.
Just remember: as the mother, you (rightly) hold all the cards. Everything at your time and your pace. He absolutely can not come waltzing into your and your baby's home. Good luck.

I could understand the three times a week for an hour, for a baby, if the baby was used to see his dad often at home every day -I remember DS forgetting who dad was, everytime his dad was away for a business trip-, but that improved with age.

But if the guy is not in your life, in your words is a sod, and you suspect dad is not going to have much interest in baby, what's the point of such regular contact?

Would this become stressful for you? Would the father feel forced into something he really doesn't want to do that often? If so, I would start, perhaps, with short visits every other weekend and increase the visit time as the child grows older.

Thank you incandescent and Chandra.

I will plod on, enjoying my pregnancy and shall remember that I am the one holding all of the cards here.

I think short visits every other weekend is an excellent idea. Thanks again, for all your help.

Im in the same position as you. 24 weeks pregnant and have recently found out the father was violent towards both his ex's. My solicitor advised me to basically deny he is the father unless he can prove it. Dont think he will even try as he has shown no interest whatsoever so far.

You're not "holding all of the cards", Hodie, you're carrying a baby and s/he has a father who has legal rights and responsibilities. It's a bit late in the day to not want the "sod" in your life.

Just a note from a father who has suffered at the hands of his ex.

Shortly into a relationship, my ex fell pregnant. It transpired that out she always wanted a child. So I was kicked into touch. The difficult part of the situation was that she was 1500 miles away.

She did not allow me to see my daughter after the birth for 3 weeks. That was pleasant, let me say.

So after I had taken 3 months leave to try to help, I returned to the UK.

I then flew 2 or 3 times a month to see my daughter.

On several occasions I would arrive and be told that I wasn't going to see her that day. So I would turn around, go to my hotel and then fly home the next morning. Then I was informed that because I had started court proceedings I would not be able to see my daughter at all.

Almost 3 years later I am now the recognized father, am about to be awarded joint custody and have emigrated for my child.

The moral of the story?

Not all fathers are bastards.

My ex too has said "why won't you just go away"

Utter flimflam RebeccaRabbit. He was the one who walked out on me and the pregnancy, owing to the fact that I would not have an abortion. It was all far too much of an inconvenience for him.

I want this child to know him. However, I will not tolerate a half-arsed approach to this. I too, have a life to get on with. And believe me, I shall, with or without his involvement.

Like it or not, Hodie, he does have legal rights and responsibilities.

RebeccaRabbit, I am aware of the fact that he has legal rights and responsibilities.

Being so, he can cough up for the extortionate nursery fees next year.

Thanks for reminding me about the 'responsibilities' bit again. I like to think that every little bit of advice helps.