WWYD - EXH cut DS hair

[bentneckwine1]

Hello

My DS is ten and for the last year or so has worn his hair quite long and floppy. (Think High School Musical Troy but a bit shaggier...certainly never long enough for a ponytail - although he did sometimes push the fringe back with an aliceband to watch tv etc). Most of his friends have similar styles and I think my DS really suited it...but more important than that...DS loved his hair and was always flicking his head back to swish the hair around!!

Anyway XH never been keen on this style and always dropping hints about having it cut much shorter into a more 'boyish' style - but DS never taken him up on this and if anything wanted his hair longer.
Every time EXH picks DS up he goes on and on about the hair and how it was time it needed cut.

Last week EXH asked me to make an appointment to take DS for a haircut. I had already made an appointment for yesterday and spoken to DS about the hair needing a wee 'tidy-up' so that he could see out from under the fringe.
DS was adamant that he didn't want anything off the length at the back...but would under protest agree to a 'trim'.

I took him to the hairdresser yesterday and she was excellent with DS, really listened to what he wanted done and didn't look to me for confirmation or agreement. She cut the hair bit by bit and kept letting DS look in the mirror before she cut anymore. DS was to say STOP when she had taken enough. (The hairdresser has a teenage son with similar style and allergy to haircuts!!).

So when she was finished DS had a lovely haircut...still a long style but with some layers to lighten the thickness. And he had a proper fringe that he could see through. But most importantly he had a haircut that he wanted and liked.

EXH came to pick up DS last night and commented that he would have hardly noticed the hair had been cut if I hadn't have told him that DS had been to the hairdresser. (Which is rubbish...and DS was self-concious about the loss of some length). EXH said it would have been better to have the hair cut right back with clippers for the summer.

Anyway...and sorry this is so long...EXH brought DS back just in time for school this morning sporting a very much shorter haircut!! He has hacked cut DS hair with a pair of kitchen scissors!!

EXH said...now people will notice it has been cut...I made an 'alright' job of it.

DS then asked me if it was straight...I hadn't the heart to tell him that no it wasn't.

If anything DS looks more like a girl than he ever did with long hair...EXH has cut it so roughly that it resembles a graduated bob style that ends just under his ears!!

Of course with DS standing there ready to go to school EXH knew I would say nothing and there would be no scene. Also with DS standing there ready to go to school I couldn't get the comb out to have a proper look at the hair without making him feel self-concious about it at school.

BUT I AM SO ANGRY!!
AIBU?

The thing is...I know EXH is DS father and he can take him for a haircut if he wants to without asking me for permission...which is how it should be.

HOWEVER
If he had taken hime for a haircut last week because he was fed up looking at it - that would have been fine.

If he had taken him for a haircut in a fortnight because it had grown so quickly - that would have been fine.

BUT he took a pair of kitchen scissors to it and hacked away at DS lovely hair himself because he doesn't like long hair on boys....less than two hours after I had paid to have it cut professionally into a style that DS wanted and picked for himself. (EXH a builder not a hairdresser!!)

Am I being oversensitive about this? Should I say anything to EXH? What can I say without making DS realise that his hair now looks ridiculous?

Waiting for DS to come home from school so that I can have a proper look at the hair...think I might have to take him back to the hairdresser to get the uneven bits sorted out.

ARGH.......and breathe.....sorry this is so long!!

say nothing - do not rise to the bait - and just let DS tell your ex how he feels.

ex is trying to rile you and doing it without considering ds views. b''st'd

ds isnt going to want to be going there for much longer is he?/

getting to the age where they vote with their feet

cestlavielife - your advice is what my instincts are telling me to do. That making an issue out of it will only make DS more upset about his hair than he already is. (DS caught me looking at his hair this morning and he said 'don't look at me mum, don't look. EXH was standing at the door so probably heard).

However my sister and others are suggesting that I 'put up with too much for a quiet life and that DS needs to see me make a fuss on his behalf once and a while'. My gran suggested asking EXH to pay me back for the haircut or for taking DS back if it needs sorting.

But...I am torn...DS is ten and a half...another couple of years of EX carrying on like this (and other issues since he moved in with GF) and DS will decide for himself when or if he wants to see his dad. If I keep my mouth closed then I will hopefully provide a relationship between DS and I where he knows that I support whatever decisions he makes.

Thanks for your reply.

XPOSTS ThreeBlondeBoys - you put it better than me!!

if a teacher or other carer had done this without your permsission you would rightly have a go at them - ask them not to do it again without your permission

• but this is ds's dad and rightly or wrongly he has some input in ds clothing/hair/ etc.

if ds wants to talk about it let him; if ds wants you to take him back to hairdresser to sort it out then do so. if ds feels he was assaulted and forced into haivng hair cut against his will - again something to note....

if ds asks you to speak to dad, then consider a short to the point letter. but - the hair will grow. by not getting riled, exH will see there was no gain in doing this, he has only alienated ds....

BNW1 - your poor DS, my DS too has similar style hair, he is 11 and very aware of how his hair looks....

I would pick an opportune moment to have a chat with him about how he feels his new haircut suits him. Let him tell you how he honestly feels and give him the opportunity to go back to the hairdresser to get it put right...

As for your EXH.....I would tell him in low VV threatening tones that if he so much as takes a pair of scissors anywhere near your DS's hair again you will use the scissors yourself!!! My DP often comments on DS's hair do and how it would be better shorter (ie skinhead virtually)...Ive told him to just deal with the things he knows about and leave DS to his on taste in hair style which is considerably more dvelped than DP's ..I would absolutely want to slaughter him if he dared enforce his lack of style in this manner..

Can you tell this has wound me up??

Give your DS a big hug from me and tell him hair will always grow back just a shame you cant change EXH's personality XX

Thanks for taking the time to reply again cestlavielife - your post has some good advice that backs up what I was feeling.

And by posting here I have managed to get most of the frustration out of my system without DS seeing the steam coming out of my ears!!

stoppinattwo lol thanks for that heartfelt reply grin Thank goodness DS hair grows really really quickly and more so as we come into summer!! At least with a long shaggy style it doesn't matter quite so much if there are some bits longer than others.

It's interesting that your partner would prefer that your DS has very short hair...does your DP have that style himself? EXH hair has always been shaved into the wood with clippers. Maybe it is a 'dad' thing to want one's son to reflect their own appearance.

Haven't had a chance to talk to DS yet...but will certainly be giving him the opportunity to go back to hairdresser if he wants to...without suggesting that I think he needs to confused as to how I get that message across!!

Thanks Again All

Have you booked him another appointment to have it sorted out? You can't leave him looking like a girl .

Your ex is a dick.

Fab - I only got a quick glimpse in the hallway this morning. EXH brings DS back, dumps overnight bag and then takes him up to school. So I need to get DS alone and have right look at the hair and ask DS what he wants to do. Will certainly take him to hairdresser if it needs more than combing a different way.

Just don't want to put the idea into DS head that he looks like a girl!!

My ex is everything you say and more... but then he wouldn't be an ex if he was a reasonable kind of guy. Days like today make me feel better about the decision I made to leave him...despite all the sleepless nights before and since.

Thanks everybody and will let you know what happens.

You are doing great. Don't forget that.

prob is, stoppin, if this ex is anything like mine, then this will be used against her at some point "she threatened me with a pair of scisssors!"

my exP said the other day in an email (an email abut something comepltely unrelated) "and you put your hands around my neck in 2007!!" i was puzzled...til i realised that i was probably saying at the time "if you ever do this to our son again..." ....

YANBU

BNW1 my exh did this to my DS1 just before we split up, it was the nail in the coffin for me I'm afraid.

He gave him a grade 3 all over when he was 3 and suddenly my little boy who looked angelic, looked awful.

I cried, had to pretend to DS1 that it was not his hair that was upsetting me.

EVERY one of my friends understood why I cried. It grows back, that's the only consolation

I feel your pain.

Ex-h (a twunt of the first degree as you could see from other posts) has his mother shave ds's hair (ds is 6) everytime he grows so much as half an inch, and my poor boy bless him does not suit short hair, he's got a bit of a baby face still. They do this because he then looks like his dad (which is true, although his dad has nasty thick wirey hair which ds doesn't have, which afros when it gets longer.) Plus she does it wonky, he then has a bit of fringe one side and not the other, a bit of sideburn one side and not the other...

I have brought it up time and time again, even with ex-Mil, who informs me that as their dad ex-h has the right to do it. The bloody annoying thing is ex-h had a nice-ish cut (well, for the 80s :D) as a child!

I have however told them that since one awful wonky attempt at a trim for dd, they dare to lay a pair of scissors near her and they shan't be seeing her again. ex-h makes jokes about shaving her head... I worry one day he will be brave enough.

BNW1 funnily enough DP is shaved to the wood

cestlavielife.......ikwym, they have fantastic memories when it suits then....

Thanks everybody for your posts.

Had a good look at the hair last night and it doesn't seem quite so bad as it did at first glance. My teenage nephew added some gel, combed it some and muttered something about 'curtains' which DS was happy enough with! (It looks more like DS has had a short style that is currently growing out into a shapeless mass and actually looks more untidy than it did long...but not so girly as first thought).

I opened the conversation with DS by telling him that if he had wanted some more of the length taken off his hair he should have mentioned it to the hairdresser when we were there and she would have been happy to do it for him. (I thought this was the best way without putting words into his mouth about whose idea it was - him or his dad's).
DS replied straight away that he 'didn't want anymore cut off' but that after his shower at his dad's house EXH had told him that 'the back doesn't sit right and I am going to cut it off'.

At a loss as to how EXH thought he would make a better job than the hairdresser. From the way DS spoke I think he went along with it without much fuss because he was glad of the attention from EXH. There have been a number of times recently that EXH has brought DS home early for not behaving at the GF's house...DS was probably worried that he wouldn't get to sleepover.

Anyway...suggested to DS that I would take hime back to the hairdresser today if he wanted the back evened up a wee bit - but he says no. I think given the fact that he didn't want it cut at all in the first place, then agreed to a 'trim' at the hairdresser only to end up with having much more cut off - I can understand his reluctance to go back to the hairdresser and have amymore taken off. Which is fair enough I suppose...however have left the offer open for him should he change his mind.

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom.... At least his hair grows really quickly!!

I could well be in the wrong here, but I think you should advocate for your son here. Explain to your xh that your son felt pressured into agreeing to his cutting off more hair because of the previous early returns, and that your ds didn't want his dad to cut his hair - and explain to your dh that he is running the risk of alienating his son - spell out the bit about getting old enough to vote with his feet.

The reason I am saying this is that if your ds doesn't want to make his dad cross by refusing to let him cut his hair, is he likely to tell his dad that he was upset by the extra haircut?

I just thought I'd do an update here, as ds's hair has been growing for quite some time and everytime he goes to his dads it returns the same. So I've managed to secure five minutes today to take him to the hairdressers and he asked for what he wanted - it's now tidier but still quite long.

When ex-h picked up dc up, ds didn't want to go as usual. So I distracted him by telling him to show daddy his new hair - ex-h said 'it's not a haircut when it's that long' - and so when I explained ds had asked for it how he wanted, ex-h flew off the handle that I'd paid to have his hair cut, and he was going to be having it cut (by MIL) this weekend. Then that was followed up by him dragging ds into the car.

I'll update again when they return - I'm fairly certain they'll talk ds into having it short, or just do it off their own backs. If I'm lucky I might get an affronted phone call from MIL too. -sigh-

Is he trying to alianate your ds?

And have you mentioned to your ex that what he/MIL is doing could be considered assault and he should seriously rethink?