dc's questions

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Am just wondering how other people handle questions from dc's about ex's behaviour. Background, dc's witnessed exh being violent & abusive, police involved etc. No contact for 5 mts. Had plenty of counselling & was advised to tell dc's exh needed to take time out to sort out his behaviour etc. Explaining violence was wrong but daddy still a nice person. They now have contact again (which is going v well). I have no contact with exh (he refuses to have anything to do with me over involving police, still full of anger towards me). Am just wondering how anyone else who has gone through something similiar handled questions from dc's. Ds (4) tonight said "I think daddy hates you mummy" . Othertimes younger dc's will say something about daddy calling to the house or coming back to live (He's not allowed near the house).

In a more normal separation where both parents want what's best for dc's it can be a lot easier to just tell dc's mummy & daddy don't love each other anymore but still love you etc. Mine has been v different & sometimes I'm hard pressed to know what to say. Any advice?

get babette cole's two of everything and talk thru the book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Everything-Babette-Cole/dp/0099220628

with my youngest i just kept repeating calmly that living together again wasnt possible - she seems to have accepted now.

i am not sure how simplifying it right down to he is nice but violence is wrong works - if he is nice how could he be violent? makes no sense... can see the idea, sort of..

if he is really sorry i guess it could work - daddy did a bad thing but he is very sorri and it wont happen again...

• but with my exP there is risk it could happen again.

however, if contact going well then focus on that... tho if child getting idea that daddy hates mummy then makes you wonder?

is contact supervised?

Hi Cest, thanks for your response. The counsellor meant to try to separate the bad behaviour from the person i.e. behaviour unacceptable but we still love daddy. He's not sorry at all & I'd guess he's still full of hatred and anger which is prob what ds is picking up. Contact is not supervised but my eldest is 10 & I think she'd say it if anything inappropriate was said.

I had looked at that book previously but didn't think it would work for dc's as they don't have two of everything. The see him for six hours a week & he refuses to take them to where he's living.

hmm maybe you need to write your own "book"?

write up a story for the four year old ?

i understand the idea of separating bad behaviour for the person - works for a child - i love you but i dont like your behviour and that is why you getting time out...but somehow when an adult behaves unaaceptably is different story. adult knows it is wrong and choses to behave that way. adult can chose to behave differnetly. adult decides to bad mouth ex in front of children...

if they sorry and apologetic - and accept punishment - eg they committed crime and are now in prison know they did wrong - sure you can see why people would support someone in that case.

but not when they remain angry and accusatory. difficult.

haivng said that - yes - he is their dad and that will always be so.

can also say "how daddy feels about mummy is an adult problem for mummy and daddy to sort out. daddy loves you because you are his children"

Hi Cest, that's a good idea about writing my own book, will have to put some thought into that. I just struggle to find a way to explain his behaviour in a way that won't put them off him or ultimately damage them. I love the idea about how daddy feels about mummy being an adult prob, will deffinately use that one.

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