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How would you explain to your child she is the result of a one night stand?

13 replies

Lizita · 28/07/2005 19:20

Subject speaks for itself really.... not worrying about this yet, dd is only almost 2, was just wondering. She isn't even aware she has a "daddy" (he lives overseas) although on her 2nd birthday I intend to tell her when I give her her daddy's birthday present because she now understands what a daddy is....i think!

OP posts:
Pinotmum · 28/07/2005 19:22

Does he play a part in her life? I think I would just say you both love her but did not want to live together. I dont think I'd give her the details too early though.

aloha · 28/07/2005 19:25

"we love you very much and are friends (if remotely true) an we are so happy to be your mummy and daddy" will do until she is grown up i suspect.

madmarchhare · 28/07/2005 19:26

If you are still in contact with her father then you do have more of a relationship than 'just a one night stand' IYSWIM. I assume that if presents are being exchanged then at some point he may want to see her too. You could just talk about her daddy in a normal 'but we dont live together and we both love you very much' way and just reveal more as she gets older and can understand.

SoupDragon · 28/07/2005 19:28

I wouldn't tell her about the 1 night stand (maybe ever) but something along the lines of "don't want to be together but love you" type thing already mentioned.

gigglinggoblin · 28/07/2005 19:28

dp has never met his dad as he was married to someone else when his mum got pregnant. dp doesnt mind at all and doesnt feel he missed anything. as far as i know his mum just told him the truth. not quite same but thought id post as it might make you feel less worried.

Tinker · 28/07/2005 19:38

Hmm, it's tricky. She probably will ask more questions and assume that you were in love etc. Can only advise you to play it by ear but not be too brutally honest.

Chandra · 28/07/2005 19:47

Do you really need to tell her it was a night stand? I think that I would keep that info to myself well until she has passed the adolescence when she can understand that no matter how she came into yourlife you love her all the same.

aloha · 28/07/2005 19:57

I think it will be a very, very long time (if ever) before she wants any nuts and bolts. I think mummy and daddy are friends but we don't live together because daddy has to live in another country but we love you very much and are so pleased and happy to be your mummy and daddy etc will be plenty for years to come.
How interested is her father?

WigWamBam · 28/07/2005 19:59

Why would you want to tell her the details of how she was conceived? I can imagine that at certain stages of a child's development it would be quite a dent to the self-confidence for her mother to be telling her that she was the result of a one-night stand - she may feel that she wasn't wanted because she wasn't planned.

I don't intend to tell my dd that she wasn't planned because although I know that not planned doesn't equal not wanted, children and young people can be very sensitive about these things.

I'd stick to something along the lines of what some of the other posters have suggested - that you both love her very much even though you don't live together. Later on maybe tell her that the relationship wasn't a long one if you like, but I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her that it was a one-night stand.

piffle · 28/07/2005 20:05

If he plays a part in her life and has taken the mantle of Daddy then like me you simply explain that although you had strong feelings for one another, circumstances and differences meant that you were not able or chose not to settle down together.
My ds 11 knows my exp and I had a very brief relationship, tbh its what you do after that counts for her IMHO

Papillon · 28/07/2005 20:11

The story can gain complexity or more information as she grows up. But the truth is better earlier rather than later imo - less white lies and potential hurt.

How about
I only knew him for a very short time - love is like that - it can be felt overnight and then go away. But the magic of love is that it brought you into my life.

Lizita · 28/07/2005 22:06

hm, you've all got me even more worried now! I can't honestly talk of "love" that way cos it's a lie. "Friends" is better, cos we were mates, though briefly. I understand completely about a kid being sensitive to being unplanned - my sister was unplanned and even though my parents are married, happy family etc etc I think it did affect her well into later life!

Maybe I've got unrealistic expectations about how close me and dd will be as she gets older, i imagine her wanting to know everything & feeling comfortable enough to talk about it all with me! Or maybe I just find it weird thinking that i will be hiding stuff from her... plus so much about my own parents is hidden and I don't have the courage to ask questions, and I don't want dd to feel like that about me...

And about her dad, yes he is very much interested, we are regularly in touch by email & he has started his own family so he obviously knows what it is all about. Presents & cards at xmas & birthdays etc, and offer of help for us to visit them when she's older...( he lives a long way away, don't want to say where.)

OP posts:
aloha · 28/07/2005 23:17

I personally wouldn't say you loved each other, just that you both love her and love being her parents.
I think when she is much older you can maybe tell her she was an accident - the happiest, best accident of your life and that often the best things in life happen when you least expect them!
I think it's lovely and amazing that you have managed to have this kind of relationship between yourselves and for your daughter. I really do.

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