Rights of the non-main resident parent?

[lunavix]

Ex-h and I are very nearly divorced, been seperated coming up three years. Most things are sorted but I have a few questions.

What rights does he have over the time I have them? for eg..

He has them one night during the week and alternate weekends. On one of my nights, dd has ballet. I occassionally asked him or his mum to take her for me, but now he will show up as he pleases, and has gone so far as to take her ballet shoes (her first pair ) to his to keep - to wind me up as I'd told his mum I wanted to put them in her baby box. He's very controlling and dominating and I find that my evening with my daughter is then ruined and it frustrates me. However I'm guessing there's nothing I can do as he can just show up??

The other example is he phones to speak to them during the evening at times. I don't keep my mobile on me and don't have a home phone and if we miss the call or my phone is on silent he will phone maybe 15 times in the space of 20 minutes and then shout at me for not answering. If we see the call, we answer. However I don't feel I need to sit by my phone during the time after week I get with them just to answer a call???? I have no objections to him speaking to them I should stress. Except... a lot of the time he will quiz them about what they/I have done and then ask to speak to me and cause a fight. Eg, ds will have a test, he'll ask to speak to me and shout why didn't he know ds had a test??? Things like that. Again, ruins the evening. I did ask him to phone in the mornings as 9/10 we will see and answer but he says it inconveniences him.

I did set firmly down if he got abusive by telephone I would refuse to answer/speak to him for remainder of day. For a while he's just spoken to them however he has started a big thing saying he has the right to speak to them whenever he phones, and was going to get his solicitor to bring it up in a letter. Is that actually true?

Finally, I chose my childminder based on the fact it was a very close friend and I wouldn't have left my kids with anyone else. If I had to change childminders, does he have to be involved in the choosing? Bearing in mind that I pay for it, and it's during hours that aren't his with the kids?

I can sort of understand that he should know who's involved with kids etc. However he doesn't pay etc like I said, plus he causes big problems and would refuse anyone I said I liked if I involved him?

Thanks for getting this far!!

You both have parental responsibility for the children. There are loads of websites that outline what that means (Families need Fathers is very good, detailed enough to be useful and thorough, but not all legal-speak) but basically that shouldn't mean that either of you can interfere with the other's day-to-day care of the children.

Generally, neither of you can - Change the surname of the children, remove the children from the jurisdiction, commit to a serious and irreversible operation (except in an emergency)or change their school without the consent of the other. These aren't absolutes and it does happen, of course.

However, the more you can agree between you, the better. (Have you tried mediation?) The things you mention are not 'big' things in themselves although clearly they are upsetting you, and by that I mean there doesn't seem to be fundamental differences in parenting outlook (IYSWIM)

It's better for the children if there is a routine, so if he is turning up completely at random then you need to raise it, but if it just for the ballet could it not just be that he loves taking her? Could you be flexible about it and let him take her as part of 'his' time?

As for calls, again, it's not unreasonable to want to talk to the kids if he's not seeing them for a day or two - it's his reaction if he can't get through that is unreasonable - why not suggest a convenient time for him to call if he wants to (eg between 6 and 7) and keep your eye on the phone in that time? And if he feels he is being cut out of the loop re school stuff, a notebook with information could be passed back and forth (and would cut down on the amount of discussion you have to have with him)

I'm absolutely NOT saying it is OK for him to be abusive or rude to you, but making separated parenting work is hard and getting upset about who has the ballet slippers to put in a baby box is going to make it very rough going for you.

I had a controlling exh when he first left probably because I (as you do) allowed free access - this is not good for anyone concerned. When I found the strength to stand up to him, and formulate a routine and some stability for the dc's, things improved (albeit after some verbal abuse for quite a while until things calmed down).

Reaching agreement (preferably amongst yourselves) or if neccessary with the aid of a Solicitor etc lets everyone know where they stand, especially the children. They know exactly when daddy will phone or come round to collect them.

Any abuse via phone or otherwise should not be tolerated. Tell him calmly that you will not talk to him if things get abusive and then put the phone straight down. Yes, it'll annoy the hell out of him initially but he will soon get the message and hopefully reassess his behaviour towards you.

I'm not exactly sure what the law states but I think that the only things you are legally entitled to inform your ex of are to do with Religion, Education and Health - other things are often a matter of courtesy/for the sake of being amicable etc. At one point I had to stand firm on only relaying these 3 things until my exh realised he couldn't control me or take advantage of my good nature - he had the attitude that I should be the one doing all the dirty work and relaying all messages etc even in as much as copying all stuff from school and sending them to him - I was informed by Solicitor that if he wanted general school information etc he himself had to make the effort to inform school !!

Remember he no longer has control over YOUR life and you do not have to be at the end of the phone 24/7 just in case he phones!

As for the childminder - I don't think there would be any comeback if you decided to change as long as they were being looked after properly etc. He may just disagree for the sake of it - my dc's were put in the best school in my area - my ex still said 'well what if I don't want them to go there!!' FFS!!!!! I ignored him as I was lucky to get their places!

You will, in time, learn that it is much much easier to be amicable, pass on info you feel he should know, and most importantly just get on as well as you can for the sake of the kids. I often tell my exh trivia - I know he still ignores any info I give him and usually does the opposite if I ask him something but I feel happier in myself having relayed the info to him because if he gives me grief I can just say I told you already!

Best of luck x

Thanks everyone.

Tanga - I agree with all your points, and will look at that website.

mjinhiding - it all sounds very reasonable but I don't entirely agree. I don't think it's to do with him struggling as he only does this when he can make a point and not when he can see them more.

Talie - this is the problem. He thinks he does.

We had a new problem today. Last night I went to my friends (whos my Childminder) for a bbq and we had a couple of drinks and the kids stayed over night (I had to get up early for work). Ex-h phoned me around 7am (Iwas already at work so couldn't answer) so I got a text saying 'I phone in the evening, you don't answer, I phone in the morning, you don't answer, I have rights to speak to my kids' etc etc. Bearing in mind he didn't phone once the night before, he spoke to them that lunchtime. And little did I know - he was planning on seeing them for a few hours today at school!! At a school event I knew nothing about because he didn't pass the letter on????

So I said something along the lines of he spoke to them yesterday, I'm at work, he can phone my CM and talk to them.

He accused me of lying and said my CM hadn't had them at 7am, so I said yes she had them overnight.

He went MAD saying how dare I pay someone to have the kids overnight without asking him or his mother first as they are family.

Well, I was fuming at this point. If we were amicable, perhaps. But he seems to believe he has rights over the kids, if I don't personally have them in my house at any given time. I'm guessing this isn't so?

After a mini-argument (he said he'd demand to see my CMs invoices to see if I'd paid her as I'd imformed him I didn't) (and then he said I was only asking her to have them overnight to claim more benefits????? Not sure how that works! - plus she invited the kids!) I told him to grow and up and left it at that.

I'm now fuming though.

Does he have a right to know what I do with them during my time with them?
Does he have any rights to see my childminder's documents? Bearing in mind I pay her, not him. This doesn't bother me, he can see them all he likes, but it's a pain for her.

I'm getting to the end of my tether with all this. Half the time he dumps them at his mums (he thinks they don't tell me!), he will NEVER phone to talk to them if they are anywhere but mine - his mum could have them four days in a row for him and he won't phone once! Yet I have them for one day that he sees them in anyways and he's phoning and hollering!!

I know I shouldn't have a say in him phoning them, but to be honest... he phoned yesterday, he was seeing them today, did he need to phone this morning???

And to not even tell me about the school event... ARGH.

Contact the school and tell them they must inform both you and him of all events in writing to your home addresses - they have an obligation to do this.

I would go and get some free legal advice to knock the phone calls on the head - he could perhaps phone them on set days at set times and that is that.

Do you have fixed contact, if not I would look at establishing that.

I would ensure that you get contact and phone calls in writing and agreed to as part of your divorce settlement etc.

On our divorce settlement it's a bit confusing.

He filled in some paperwork about the kids, but filled it in wrong - he put down the kids lived with me, then that i paid him maintenance (i think he genuinely cocked it up, doin't know what paperwork it was though.) I think it said the contact we agreed on, possibly something about school holidays I'm not sure.

THen we did a consent order, and I specified on it that he had the kids alternate weekends and one evening a week - and specified both from 5pm. To be honest I was slightly vague as I'm not sure how beneficial our arrangement is as it's unsettling the kids being taken to school occassionally by him (and half the time by his mother) as they end up with half a school uniform, he forgets something, moans about lunches, etc. But as I signed it first I don't know if he ammended it.

I dread his phone calls, because he always starts an argument, it's the purpose of his call. And it's not me being bitter because I've tried so hard and so long for it to be amicable, I'm simply at my wits end.

Who would I need free legal advice from?

The other thing is the last three years, for christmas i've had the kids christmas eve/christmas morning, he's had them for maybe 3/4 days, then I have them the next few and we alternate new years.

It's worked out ok (we end up working it out fairly equally, but he shouts till he ends up slightly better off - then usually ditches them at his mums) only this christmas just gone I said I'd like to swap round next year as while I love the kids opening their stockings at mine I always dread them leaving. He's REFUSED. And I mean, he flat pan said NO, I don't want that, I like it the way it is, you can't just get your own way, NO.

so i tried pointing out the fair way would be alternating each year, but I don't want that, just this once I'd like it, but NO.

Go to the cab they can tell you who does legal aid or a good family solicitor that will give you an hour for a reasonable fixed nominal fee. Are you entitled to legal aid.

TBH you can just write to him and tell him he is no longer welcome to phone you or the children as you feel it's an excuse to harrass you and that if he continues you will take legal action. You could offer that the children phone him on fixed days at a fixed time once or twice a week but tbh they seem him regularly so why the need to speak to him as well.

Please go and get legal help about this, he is doing it to continue to control you and it isn't acceptable.

Ps. I remember buying your nappies off you when you were leaving him, I can't believe how quickly the time has passed by

lol CarGirl, I recognised your name. I think I have six years of posts on here about him!!!

The thing is, I had legal aid to pay for the divorce, and my solictor has upped and dumped me for the final bit (I'm guessing funds ran out?) There's no other legal aid solicitors anyways near by, and he's refusing to do anything unless I pay private fees (£300 and up). I will go to CAB and ask.

I might tell him he can have certain times and days - I know that this will start an argument about how I'm controlling him. As I've said many, many times before, he's very intelligent and can twist everything around till I get muddled and come off looking like an utter twat.

I would join families need fathers and ask for help there they are apparantly very good and not biased against Mums.

At the end of the day you want regular reasonable contact and not to be harrassed by him at home, those are both normal and reasonable requests. He is bullying you and it is hard to stand up to it especially as he has family support.

Personally I would just turn my phone off, or get a 2nd phone and not let him have the number so he can harrass you on the original sim to his hearts content as you'll have it on for a couple of hours per day when it suits you to put up with him!

In theory he does have the right to know about anything involving their care and education BUT really he cannot just stamp his feet and get it - he has to go to court and ask and the court believe it to be pertinent to their welfare for it to be enforceable - unless he is prepared to go to court and look like a petty interfering ex then he is on loser with this - if i were you i would beat him to it and go to court to define the contact he has - if you are not happy now with the arrangements and the ad hoc approach he has imagine how it will be if you get another partner.... i might be wrong but he does sound controlling and i for one think you need to call his bluff and get the type of contact both direct and indirect clearly defined. i am sure at first it will feel mechanical but i am a strong believer that you should start as you mean to go on - the fact that he asks the children whats happening so he then can criticise you would say to me that this is much more about keeping tabs on you than being a dad

Also approach the school, explain your situation and ask for 2 sets of everything.

Can you tell i have been here? Best of luck.

Hello,

Nightmare - for you all, esp the kids.

First thing. Get a SIM for another phone. let him keep the old number and keep the new one private. I did this and it meant I oculd turn the phone off, plus I wouldn't 'jump' everytime the phone rang in case it was my ex. Eventually when he's older littlemad will have that phone/number for himself so he can talk to whichever parent he's not with on his own terms.

Secondly, decide a time with your kids that they want the phone on for Dad to call them. Give your ex this in writing.

Thirdly, tellhim you will only commmuicate with him via email until things settle down.

Give yourself boundaries and space. You all need room to breathe.

Finally, give some thought to self repping in Court, it's not as hard as you think it's going to me and there are lots of good website out there giving great advice. I'm going that way after over £25k of legal bills and I feel really positive about doing it - is very empowering.

And never ever forget they are not his rights, the only people who have rights here are the children as far as Courts are concerned.

Take care

CG - will get in contact with them, thanks.

tartyhighheels (sorry, couldn't call you tarty :D ) also good advice will do all that.

Madascheese - I probably have one lying around so will do that. Good idea about child inheriting it. We technically communicate by email anyways - we just have the sporadic texts as the kids are with me, or with CM, or at activities and it's to keep 'informed' as such.

How would I self rep on something like this????

He's really f'd me off today. He doesn't know though. CM told me yesterday that ds told her that daddy said one of his friends had a willy but had it cut off and now has a minnie. If it's about what it sounds like it's about than how goddamn inappropriate to discuss with a 6yo? And quite possibly a 5yo as ds has only just turned 6? FFS. Wanker.

re: self repping Fathers need families apparently give good advice and I know they advocate it, I've not been in touch with them myself so i can't personally vouch for them, but they would I guess be able to give you details on what forms etc you'd need to put into court.

(Basically all a solicitor does is file forms at Court - sorry if there are lovely solicitors reading this just trying to debunk you all a bit

There is a good website I use a lot, not sure if I'm allowed to mention other forums here [bit clueless emoticon] but I will, it's wikivorce and full of brill legal peeps with good advice.