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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What do you do when an 'event' occurs during contact time?

11 replies

SpringyThingy · 20/04/2010 10:49

DS has a part in the scout parade. It's really important to him to go and if it was during 'our time' he'd be chomping at the bit to get out of the door. Just texted ExP to see if he will take him along and no response. I know he won't take him but will just ignore me until it happens.
What do you guys do in this event?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cestlavielife · 20/04/2010 11:27

depends - if totally during his time there is not much you can do other than make sure ex is fully aware of it, get scout leader to call the ex and give him a reminder "hope tos ee you there " kind of thing? etc. make it clear to son is ex's repsonsibility for getting him there not you...

if is chaing the pick up then jsut take him - have simialr situation in that dd has a workshop to go to sat so will be one hour late for contact - have jsut lethim know she will be at workshop andwill be late. hopefully eh wont fuss...

Janos · 20/04/2010 17:11

What cestlavie said.

If XP is mindful of DS and his feelings, I would advise XP in writing (text or email, email best I think - so you can prove he's been told) and emphasise how keen DS is to go.

Tanga · 20/04/2010 17:22

How often does he see his dad? Would a goodwill offer to replace the time be reasonable? If you only have alt weekends then events do take a huge percentage of the time.

Original poster

SpringyThingy · 20/04/2010 17:57

It's just every other Sunday 9 - 5, but this is very new as he stepped out of his life for over 2 years.

My issue is that he doesn't seem to want to bond at all and I know he won't prioritise this event citing his other children as the reason. A few weeks ago I asked if he would sit and do some homework with him as he wanted to bring him back late on a Sunday (asked on Saturday) and he refused saying it's not his job and time with him is precious. I suppose want to set a precedent here as DS is 10 and this is only going to become more of a prob. DS is desperate to see him and so will go even if it means he misses out on parade, that will be proof enough for XP to say 'it's up to him'

OP posts:

mjinhiding · 20/04/2010 18:00

This reply has been deleted

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foureleven · 20/04/2010 18:05

Personally, I would tell him the time of the parade and make it clear that you will be there to pick your son up and take him, then deliver him back to his dad.

Its a faff, and not fair on you but if its important to your son it has to be done. For everyones sake. if youre trying to build a relationship between father and son it'll do no good for your son to link being with daddy to missing out on things he loves.

Tanga · 20/04/2010 18:34

Well, you can't force him to do what you think he should do. TBF, a few hours a fortnight is a tiny amount (not that I'm criticising, I understand why) and if I only saw my kids that much I would resent being given homework to do with them or whatever.

If the child would rather see his Dad then I think that is what should take priority. I'd offer to take him but also offer to add the time on to the end of the contact, or offer to make it Saturday, or the other week. If he doesn't go for either of those, then you've done all you can do, really.

Original poster

SpringyThingy · 20/04/2010 19:38

Thank you mj, I'm also a step mum and DH would LOVE to be given the opportunity to be more involved in DSDs life.

Tanga, you're right, I can't force him...or even suggest unfortunately!

After no response DS asked anxiously what was going to happen (I hadn't mentioned the txt) I said I wasn't sure so he rang him. XP refused to take him and tried to persuade him not to go. They've agreed that he'll drop him off at 1:30 and not rearrange another time. DS is gutted, he's asked if he can take his uniform and change there so XP can see him in it Breaks my heart, I think more than anything he just wanted him to see him doing something he was proud of.

OP posts:

Tanga · 21/04/2010 17:28

What a shame for him. Maybe less upsetting if not first hand, though - in future could you ring and sort out issues and then you can cushion the blow? I didn't let DD sort out her own contact until she was well into her teens.

foureleven · 21/04/2010 18:10

Oh no springythingy, its really hurts doesnt it

Original poster

SpringyThingy · 21/04/2010 21:37

Tanga, this is part of the problem, xp only agreed to start seeing him at chrstmas and then swiftly bought him a mobile phone, told him that it was private and that I'm not allowed near it. He adores his Dad and is so scared that he'll go away again that he agrees to things he knows I'll be unhappy with. Now xp never answers my calls or texts and will oly deal with him. When he comes to pick up I ask him in every time and talk idly about the weather e.t.c. but he won't even look at me.
I'm trying to be cool about the phone despite its obvious use and trying so hard not t make him feel pushed and pulled. I'm so about it all and regretting massively starting contact again. I think I have just set ds up for a major fall.

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