still upset

[ledkr]

Hi i am struggling with my 8 yr old dd whoes father left us when she was 18 months. Has always been amicable but he is having a mid life crisis and acts like a child. Unfortunately this means his contact with her is erratic to say the least. Can go for weeks without contact then just turns up unannounced and takes her out or sits in my house helping himself to tea and scoring points "ive just come back from the caribean etc etc"
I re married last xmas and have been with him for 3 years. Comes from a very family oriented background and is calm and kind and very understanding about his role and has not tried to push himself on her gets on well with my ex and talks freely and positivly about him with her.
She has always given dh a hard time by putting him down or undemining his kindness but can also be very lovely with him as he loves to play games with her and go on family outings.
He is also very patient with her and will hug her when she is being nasty rather than tell her off(maybe wrong?)
the problem is that she just cannot seem to get over her Dad and i not being together. She said just now that she wants to be like other girls and have a Dad living with her i would describe her as emotional and volatile and she can also be un kind or bossy to peers although this has improved.
I think i have doen everything right so far but am running out of patience now as she is not the only child in this situation but her behaviour towards dh has not changed and whne i sit and talk to her she says this is because she just wants her dad back.
I am confused as to why she is so upset by this as she was so young when he left and has not really been consistent with contact since.
Is there any organisation who offers counselling to children or can any of you offer me any advice as to how to proceed.

Hi, I have no experience of this kind of thing but... I would say that your dh should be disciplining her as firmly as you do and that the two of you should present a united front on that score. She may feel more secure/happier if she knows her boundries more with dh.
It would be so much better for her to grow up knowing that fathers are supposed to be like your dh (reliable) rather than (possibly) idolising a man who picks and chooses when he wants to be a dad. Your ex seems to be doing the classic treat em mean keep em keen routine. Whether he knows it or not. I don't think its fair that he can just show up whenever. Somehow you will have to formalise his visiting rights I think.
As far as her moods are concerned I'm guessing this is just the usual pre-teen thing. Also she knows she gets lots of attention for her negative behaviour towards your dh. She throws this issue about her Dad in your face all the time because she can see it has a big effect on you all. Maybe up the one to one time she has with each of you? Write to Tanya Byron at the Times. She has good advice for situations like this!

try the local mediation service. Depending where you are, you might be able to get some counselling for your dd. Or ask the school nurse/health visitor if they know of an organisation locally.

I am in a similar situation with DS (10) still wanting us back together after 8 years apart and a hell of a lot of bullying arguing e.t.c. We have both moved on and ExP stepped out of DSs life for over 2 years, but he is still No1 in DSs eyes and always will be. DH does discipline and treats him the same as our DD (within a big age gap an the ifferences that entails).

I can't really offer any advice but I am thinking counselling would help. ExP is a massive point scorer and anytime there is contact he goes all out to make it brilliant for him. Then he has to come back here to homework, chores and an little sister who annoys him. He never talks to ExP positively about his life here and I've had a go at explaining that it would be just the same wherever he lived, but to no avail. It's so tough but I am hoping that as he grows into an adult he may start to see what a perfect life we really have here and maybe be grateful to me for trying so hard to keep contact with Dad?

I watch with interest...

8 year old girls can be very moody and bossy-hopefully she will realise its not the way to make friends and will change her behaviour.

Just last night I was called out to help a teenage girl who is in a similar situation - she knows her father isnt v kind to her mum but she wants him back -just to be a family,like they were in photographs from years ago- we talked about how a picture captures a moment and in that moment not everyone is feeling the same etc etc.

I think that your dd is being torn,she thinks that family is about 2 parents- when nowadays it can be 4 or more parents and I think you should guide her towards knowing that its ok to love someone who behaves like a Dad to her whilst still loving her 'real' Dad,sometimes its the very basic facts that they need 'permission' for- even though she needs to know that her treatment of you and her stefather is not acceptable and that you and her came as a joint package and the promises he made to you in your vows were also to her.

Sometimes just reminding her to be 'nice' and thoughtful might help her cope better with her feelings.

I wouldnt 'badmouth' her Father she will realise in time but help her appreciate her stepfather and I think its lovely that he can cuddle her even when shes behaved wrongly toward him - I think you got yourself a diamond with him.

thanks everyone this is my first go at this and it feels lovely to share it and get other peoples perspectives. i chatted to dh last night and we both agree that dd will benefit from increased contact with her father so we are going to take the initiative and take control of contact i intend to phone him myself to arrange it and then drop her off which is great considering i work and he doesnt. I think his apathy towards seeing her is just lazyness on his part as he does seem to be fond of her when he is with her (fond.Can you believe it?)i am hoping this works as i also suspect that his teenage girlfriend is pregnant so more nightmares are to come for her as she will now feel thrown over for a baby. I do not speak to said girl as she was the one who went of with ex h but i will have to swallow my pride and try and make peace to ease things for dd. Amazing isnt it?I was the one dumped and left to bring up 4 kids and keep the house going and i have always maintained a pleasant atmosphere for them and it still affecting her and now i am having to do all the work to make it easy on them.
I got her to call him this morning to tell him she was having one of the eggs from his chickens and he was very nice to her on the phone. She visibly brightened and before positively skipping to school she hugged my dh and said "i love you. My Daddy called me darling!" I guess that makes awallowing the old pride a bit easier to do.