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Lone parents

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Original poster

Help! ExP is only happy when DS slags me off, it's screwing him up

7 replies

SpringyThingy · 19/04/2010 12:11

I don't know what the hell to do.
The history is long, but this is the potted version; seperated when ds was 2, ex devastated and slightly mad! Went ok for 2 years, ex met his now wife, suddenly stopped wanting to see ds as often and 'only wanted to mantain a relationship'. I met dh, fell preggers and built my life. Ex stopped seeing him altogether, took me to court, was awarded supervised contact and didn't show up!
Last christmas after 2 1/2yrs of zero contact DS(9) begged me to do something so I called and set up contact out of contact centre.
Encouraged them both to call each other but neither did. Just see each other for a few hours every fortnight...often less. Ex just bought DS a mobile for his 10th birthday. I just don't agree that a 10 y o needs one and he's already lost the thing twice.

Now, here's where I'm stuck. DS is now 10 and he's rebelling, getting cross at me over silly things but often cries. DD (3) has a disability and takes up a lot of my time. I've ditched my career to devote my time to both children but DS still feels pushed out (he really has no need, but I do expect more of a 10 y o than I do a 3 y o) Every time there is a disagreement, he's running into his room and texting Dad, getting vile responses back like "she's not worth it" "you can never win" e.t.c. He never tells ExP anything good about his life here because ExP just doesn't want to hear it. I'm so scared I am going to lose him, it is already driving a wedge between us which seems to be exactly what ExP wants?

What would you do?

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HanBanan · 19/04/2010 12:47

Your ex is manipulating his son, that's for sure. But what to do? If you get rid of the mobile your son will be angry

If you speak to your ex about it you'll probably be talking to a brick wall because he's obviously a couple of cans short of a six pack.

Probably best to sit your son down and start discussing what he's doing. And perhaps suggest better ways to deal with his frustrations. At 10 he won't have a clue that his dad is using him this way and won't understand it if you tell him this either.

This is a tricky one.....

Original poster

SpringyThingy · 19/04/2010 15:43

Thanks for the reply...it certainly is tricky. We had a disagreement yesterday and he reached for the phone, I insisted that I take it for 1/2 hour for him to calm down and think about the output of his actions. It's just crap that he is put in this position. Am I wrong but shouldn't Dads, even absent ones, be supportive of the way mum is raising the children?
The problem is that ExP wants to be his mate (that's even what he calls him) but ds sees him as a dad. Ironically this is driving ds closer to my dh (who he chooses to call dad) as he sees him as impartial and easy to talk to.
I'm stuck and I have an almighty headache now!

OP posts:

Hassled · 19/04/2010 15:49

If he's close to your DH, then maybe your DH should be the one to sit down with your DS and point out that he's being very unfair on you.

Or you could just ride it out - prepubescent boys can be bloody hard work and he will probably settle down and mature a bit, and in the meantime having someone outside the immediate home to rant to when he's feeling cross might not be too bad a thing. You won't lose him - he's just venting. As long as in the cold light of day he does appreciate and respect you as well.

Original poster

SpringyThingy · 19/04/2010 16:04

But venting to your mate is fine, because their not allowed to slag your mum off, venting to your dad who is agreeing that your mum's a cow and that she's totally out of order is a bit different. Do you think??? Or not?? I don't know, all opinions welcome.

OP posts:

Hassled · 19/04/2010 19:15

The problem is that short of reasoning with your DS, there's little you can do about it - they have contact, albeit not the sort of contact you wanted. And in your DS's head, given the history, he probably does see his Dad as more of a mate than a father figure - and is probably just as likely to take what his Dad says with a hefty pinch of salt as he would if it were a mate saying "yeah, she's a cow". It doesn't mean he actually believes it.

fernfrost · 29/04/2010 23:27

"Last christmas after 2 1/2yrs of zero contact DS(9) begged me to do something so I called and set up contact out of contact centre."

It might be an idea to step backwards and find out why your son decided to want the contact then/why/what he expected to gain from it and how that differs or is the same as what he has got from it? Was he simply angry about something/anything at that point and has found a route to channel this anger, or did he really want to contact his dad?
I hear what you say about your other son and the demands there, have they increased? Is your older son resenting the increased responsiblity that he needs to take as he gets older? Have you decided that now he is 10 it is time for you to relax a little from doing as many things for him as you did? When was his Birthday. And so on. Does he think that you dont love him as much as he did because something has changed somehow. He sounds very angry, you know, the opposite side of love and all that.

I agree with one of the comments about som e of being venting. I expect that your relationship with him will be fine and not affected by the manipulation so long as you stay calm and get to the route of the problem. If you are the one to maintain maturiy too he will respect that, and he needs your parental figure to look up to and rely on underneath - as do all teenagers really.

Find out what he is really angry and feeling insecure about. It maybe even something going on with his friends or at school? Show him you love him and he will get bored of the texting. Stay strong.

cestlavielife · 30/04/2010 09:43

fernfrost gave soem good dieas...

my 10 yr old is now on an arts project for siblings of disabled children - (oldest DS has SN) ask if there is a similar project in your area.

try carers org/princess royal trust/ or ask social worker at children with disabilities team.

i thinking boositng his self esteem, giving him your attention as much as you can at set times etc - focus on you and him relationship rather than what is going on with ex...?

it is hard with a disabled child to make sure the others dont miss out on time/attention/etc, seek help/respite for your daughter so you can also get one on one time with the 10 yr old.

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