Full of self pity - need some sympathy!

[feelrubbish]

Feeling really used by ex and feel it all my fault for letting things drift.
Also feel really isolated as don't really hace anyone I can trust with all this stuff. Also really pissed off at my friend although probably unfairly.

Left abusive ex 2 years ago - he coped badly - I bascially just left and moved out as his behaviour was appauling and he had no insight and refused to accept there was a problem. Lawyer said couldn't get him to move out as no police records (and I wasn't strong enough anyway - I just had to get out for me and the dc's. He coped badly initially I was made to feel very guilty but stuck my ground.

Anyway he has never paid any maintenacne despite earning about 80K as he pays the bills/mortgage of our joint house and he says that if enough, did not cooperate with separation agreement. He won't buy me out of house and refused to put it on the market.
So I am left paying my rent and bills on my horrible rented house and all childcare and everything else on my salary - which is manageable just.

He usually sees them overnight 3 days month - usually saturday, neer sees them during the week due to work (we both have the same professional job) so I bascially do everything. Part of the reason I haven't formalsed this is ds2 hates going overnight as dad shouts and scares him and I am worried if I force a whole weekend it will get worse. He bascially sees them when it suits. He mum usaully does all meals etc and any actual work that needs done. He never takes them out they play xbox or watch football.

Anyway over the past month there has been many excuses for why he can't see them overnight - no heating being the main one, but having to be out being another one. I did suspect that this was bollocks and had was seeing someone but as ds2 was happies I didn't push it. He hasn't had them overnight for over a month.

Last week he picked up ds1 and took him to football (never does this) so I suspected he was up to something and expected ds1 to come home and say there was a girl as well.

Today he picked them up at 10.30. According to ds's they went to his house where daddy friend from his work was already there and they all played games and then went out to lunch. Very nice all being in my lovely house that still has lots of my belongings scattered all over as I have no space and it is was only meant to be temporaltiy.
I feel pissed off the the boys have met someone without mentioning it to me and I am so mad that I have had to stay in every single night for 6 weeks for him to meet someone and have lots of time and pick some nice short spells to show off his kids and what a wonderful dad he is. I know I am wring but that is how I feel.

Last week I went out for lunch with some frinds - one of my friends is working in the same place as my ex for a few months. I senses she was anxious and shifty when I asked hee about work so obviously this realtionship is work gossip and well known - she could have said even in a "just to let you know way" She has probably said to my other friends as well.

I started a new job this week - more hours very stressful settling in, have lost my old lovely supportive colleagues and have to start again. ds 2 has had ear infection and I was been up every night and had to take time off to take him to the GP whereas he lives the life of riley.

Am so fed up and tired and pissed off that I am letting him live in our joint house whiile I live in a small private rented house with funiture I hate and having to juggle everything and I am angry at my friend for not being on my side and gossiping behind my back.

I feel very alone and exhausted and just can't stop feeling sorry for myself.

rolls up sleeves in a motherly fashion

Right firstly put the kettle on and make yourself a nice cup of tea or open a bottle of wne.

Secondly I would suggest (after being in a similar situaton myself) to contact the CAB regarding the house situaton I am sure their is something that can be done for hm to either pay matinance (also contact CSA~) or force a sale ect if it is a jointly owned house.

Your Ex sounds like a selfish Pig tbh. My ex s the same He pcks up DD as an when it suts hm and if he has a "new girl" about he always takes DD out for day trips to the zoo ect in a look at me i'm such a good dad.

Chin up and 'm sure lots of lovely ladies will post as well with lots of more useful help

sorry the i ON MY KEYBOARD is dyng so have to press extra hard

Have no wine so will have to be tea but not sure that will be enough as keep crying. I though I had stopped letting him get me upset/angry but obviously not.
Must contact my lawyer on monday re divorce everything is so exhausting at the moment.
Was going to go to bed early tonight as not well but will have to calm down first.

First of all I am fairly sure your friend is on your side but it is pretty difficult to be the bearer of bad news to someone you care about. She is probably kicking herself for not having worked out how to tell you. Why not speak to her and tell her your suspicions? It might make it easier for both of you.

You certainly need to find as much information as possible from CAB, CSA and from a legal representative. Information is power.

Clearly he has found himself a rebound so is trying to impress. Don't let it get to you.

There was a thread on here last week, a lone parent had managed to find themselves a childminder who would have her children over night once a month or something - well worth looking into to give yourself a break without having to rely on an unreliable ex.

Congratulation on your new job by the way.

Not really rebound as we split 2 years ago but I shouldn't let it get to me. I couldn't care less if he is seeing someone it is change in his behaviour to dc's and rendering me housebound at night - again I couldn't care less if it was always like this but he will just change it to suit him again.

You are probably right about my friend but I still feel a bit hurt.

Will need to pull myslef together tomorrow.

A cup of tea ALWAYS helps even f you think t wont.

I do honestly sympathise with you. your ex's behaviour is crap no wasy about that. You need to make t clear to him that his behaviour is upsetting DC and you will not tolerate it easier said than done I know.

As for your friend I agree she probably is kicking herself... Its not easy beng the one to break "bad news" and her playing it down might have been her way of protecting you?

Part of me wanted to insist that he see them every second weekend or fixed times to force him to take some responsibility but I know he will let me down as ds2 doesn't like going overnight.

I would rather do it all than have someone pick and choose what they want.
ds1 loves seeing him.

I need to get my life sorted but don't really know how.

One tiny baby step at a time ANY step forward is worth congratulating yourself on.

I would seek some legal advce as a first port of call.
Then the CSA he needs to be supporting his DC as it seems he earns a good wage I do not see an excuse why you should a) Have had to move due to hm and B) why you should have to support them by yourself.

I'm still sorting out the mess my EX has left. he stll dosnt pay and even after we agreed he would see her one day every fornight he usually dosn't bother Unfortunatly some men are a complte waste of space.
As hard as its gong to be I thnk you may need to talk to him and get somethng in stone. Get it drawn up legaly if you must!

Sorry you are in the same situation - it is horrible isn't it.
I feel so powerless.
I have putting of getting things sorted for ages but really must do this - I suppose I have got into the situation where I can't really see things getting better so why bother plus I feel dealing with the legal side of things but bring out all his worst manipulative behaviour but I suppose it has to be done.
Thanks for your support. Just hate the mess my life is in ATM.

Feeling a little better today. Have e-mailed ex saying want to put house on markey asap or for him to buy me out - he will ignore it as usual but it is a start. Speaking to him on the phone gets me no where.
Will phone CAB ( or do you need to go in?) tomorrow and see what I can do if he refuses to cooperate. I have to not back down this time it has been going on far to long and I feel really taken advantage of (although ex plays the victim card to everyone).

Just so pissed off at how he has managed to get a life where he picks and chooses the nice bits and still manages to make me out to be the bad one (which is why I haven't persued things legally for me as he plays the victim and how his life is over etc.

Fed at at the lies as to why he changes his plans with th dc and helping me out with shifts at work -I cannot rely on him and have to make other arrangements. He was always lying when we were together so can't say I am surprised.

Have stopped crying for now and will take dcs to the park.

Have to use my anger to actually get something done about my life.

Well done t sounds as if you are starting to make a go and sorting things out... Everyone will see him fot the bad guy in the end (thats what keeps me going)

Good luck!!

I keep hoping for that as well - but he mangages to be charming when it suits him!

He hasn't responded to any of my e-mails trying to discuss things and I suspect never will.

Have left a message with solicitor about divorce and will go and start to get my house ready to be sold at the weekend when he is at work.

Suddenly remembered today that will have all this for at least the next 15 years hope it will get better.

As ex has saido over the course of over a year that he smply has no time in his busy life to facilitate selling the house and he would not object if I physically arranged everything.

I picked a time when he was at work and offered to go round and get things started.

He has now said that he does not want me there when he is not there. Which I can understand but it does not make us any further forward.
I have offered several times when he is there but I know he will never be available or con't guarantee when he gets home from work etc and will keep putting it off.

What can I do - it is still my house, in my name, I am still paying half the cost (in lieu of maintenance) - can I just go and get it sorted without his consent ( I have keys) - which I don't want to do as it doesn't feel right but I am fed up with stale mate.

feelrubbish - how are you now? Any new developments?

Just go and see a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings. Do it on the grounds of 2 years separation (this is a no-fault option, so won't antagonise your ex) and then the house will have to be sold as part of the financial settlement.

You're being way too nice to your ex, by the way! ((((feelingrubbish)))) Your anger is coming out as depression. Can you get support/help/a sympathetic ear from your parents?

yes you can, I'm sure. It's half your house, he can't just take it. Go through a solicitor.

I am absolutely sure that you CAN go round there whenever you want, it is YOUR house. You need to get cold and hard OP.

Get yourself to a solicitor immediately, start divorce proceedings, either he will have to buy you out or the house will have to be sold.

I am staggered that he is not paying any maintenance/child support. Well respected and high up at work is he? How is he going to like it when CSA put an attachment of earnings onto his salary and all the accountants at his work (and probably everyone else) know that he is a cheap fucker who won't pay child support and has to be forced to by the CSA.

Are you scared of him OP? Because you sound an awful lot as though you are letting him walk all over you. No offence because I did this too for a very long time because exh was so intimidating.

Feel fuming on your behalf .

BTW I would move back in, I really, really would. You have dc who should be in the Family Home.

Yes I know I am far too nice - if I am honest I am still a bit scared of him. Can't explain why as I am free from him and the law is in my side.

I have an appointment with my solicitor on Tuesday. Will file for divorce and find out what I can do to force a decision ASAP on the house.

I have send another e-mail stating I want to time to come to the house within one week - no reply of course.

I have keys there is nothing legally to stop me - I know I should just go and get it sorted.

My parents are supportive but I give the impression (apparently) of being in control of my life so I don't get much help.

My dad will come with me when I start to get things sorted with is great as I will feel imtimidated if it is just me.

I have stopped feeling angry now which is annoying as it is only thing that will get me through this. Just feeling sad and overwhelmed that I will ever get out of this.

He tells a good story of poor him wife left him as he has all the bill to pay - how can he cope. He earns about 80K and the bills for our joint house are well within his capacity - but I think he tellsa good story.
I sure he hasn't told anyone specifically that he has refused to pay.

Through my solicitor I asked him explicity for a contribution last year and he refused - just ignored the letter.

Need to get angry again!

Sorry - using this as a bit of a rant as finding it all a bit difficult at the moment.

Ex texted at 5pm and said "What time will I ttake the boys from. Heating is fixed so they will stay overnight" ds1 will want me to take him to football.

This was the first I had heard of all this - he hasn't had them overnight for 6 weeks. Heating being one of the many excuses. Had to go away for work trip mon-fri and one entire weekend was apparently spent getting ready
I texted back to say you can collect them at 9 for football and suggested bringing them back at 10am on sunday as he usually has then for 24 hours.

I asked him to confirm before dc's wnt to bed so they knew what was happening. He phoned and said he would be round at 9 -fine.

I realised we hadn't sorted a return time so I texted him back and asked him to confirm 10am. he phoned back in a strop (wish I hadn't answered) saying that was so unfair as he hasn't seem them for weeks etc and he wants it to be lunchtime and I have to come and collect him - he thinks that him dropping off and picking up is me taking advantage.

I then asked about the house and said I would come round on tuesday evening presuming he was in - he says he will be out but I can come anyway - last week he said under no circumstances could I come when he wan't there. When I challenged him on that he said he didn't trust me in the house when he is out all day but it is OK twhen it is only a couple of hours

I don't want to be accused of anything so I said I would go round on wed evening when he is there ( I will bring my dad with me as he ddoes intimidate me)

He was really aggressive on the phone and sitrring for a fight, which I tried very hard to resist as dcs still awake and small house. I got the impression new girlfriend was listening in the background ans this was partly for show " she what a bitch she is"

Everytime I have a conversation with him on the phone he get me very upset and shaken. I don't know how to get over this.

He is also shouting that I have to be responsible for all or a least 50% of work that needs done on the house to sell it and all the physical work as it isn't fair on him.

I think to formalise childcare arrangement would be much better but I hear so many scare stories - I really don't know the way fforward.

Do you know what? I wouldn't care less about being accused of anything, go round to the house when YOU want not when suits him, it is YOUR house for crying out loud.

As for his girlfriend and him "showing off" in front of her, she is nothing to you, nothing, she doesn't even register on your radar. If he gets aggressive hang up and then text him with the practical arrangements. That is what I do. Don't answer your phone to him, do everything my text and email. You actually don't have to be speaking to him, there are so many other ways to communicate.

He does sound quite intimidating but to be honest you need to grow a pair and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I relate very strongly to your situation as my ex was an aggressive bully but it is amazing how subdued they became once solicitors and police get involved.

So what about the work that needs doing on the house! tell your solicitor about what he is saying, what YOU want to do about it and then let your solicitor deal with it. When I went to see mine, she said to me tell me the truth about everything i can't help you if you don't, so I did and she then wrote him a letter strongly telling him what was acceptable and what wasn't. Tell him to move out the house and stop taking up 100% of it if he is expecting you take on 50% of the responsibility of it. What a doughnut this man is.

I can only say to you over and over, get a solicitor and tell them everything, things will become so much clearer, the day I saw my solicitor who was clearly at least 10 years younger than me was the first day I walked with a spring in my step after leaving ex.

Remember your ex only has as much power over you as you let him have. You need to put protective measures in place so he cannot reach you and a good solicitor can help you to do this. He clearly is used to bullying you while married to you and is still trying to maintain the status quo, believe me they all do this.

Thanks sgg

I didn't feel my solicitor helped greatly last year -she was recommended my local women's aid group and has a great reputation so I think I will have to be more forthcoming with exactly what I want.

This morning he was due at 9am as he wanted to take ds1 to football -which startts at 9.15. Late coming is a major problem At 9.13 he still wasn't there so I took him to football -just up the road.
He turned up as I am leaving football saying how I was undermining him by leaving the house before he got there. Apparently he was late because he was looking for football boots to help ds2 and his phone wasn't charged -heard it all before.

ds2 hates going to his dad - he hasn't been overnight for 6weeks and at 4.0 that is a long time. ds2 was in the car when he started shouting at me. I had tried to reasssure ds2 before we left about going to his dads and he asked me to say that he didn't want to stay overnight and I was to collect him at bedtime. He refused to put his favourite teddy in the bag as he was not staying. Anyway ds2 says he wanted to stay with me and then I get get blame for taking ds1 to football that has casued that.

Sorry for posting all this nonsense - it gets it out of my system and it is so easy to semi-believe his nonsense when he is shouting at me but when I write it down it is clearer.

I have to really try and not talk to him at all - because that is when he gets to me.
My parents have offereed to go all the discussions re contact and I suppose I should let them because he will be less likely to manipulate them.

Yes I totally accept that I need to grow at pair! Just been programmed to be "nice" all the time and have to reprogramme myself.

Need some perspective again - sorry.

He saw then last weekend 9am-12pm on sunday, problems as illustrated above. When I collected him he wanted to speak about house etc (who was going to live where) and I didn't want conversation in front of boys he got annoyed but not to bad.

He mentioned as I was leaving that he was off this weekend but I didn't engage in more conversation as the I didn't want to get back onto the topic of the previous conversation.

He refused to let me round to house this week as I said I would bring my dad to help, he wanted someone for him as well.

I have been to solicitor and letter should arrive with him asking for formalised details of childcare, to put house on market, and to proceed with formal separation.

I emailed outlining a 2 week plan for seeing the boys - i.e we would plan 2 weeks at a time. Left further suggestions open.

Anyway get a text at 8pm saying "I will have the boys from 9am to 12pm on sunday.
This is short notice, I work the same number of hours as him and he refuses too see them during the week. I feel this is so unfair on the boys and me.
My dad (who has never got involved before) has been wanting to chat to him about treating me with respect i.e proper arrangments, being on time, not shouting, not discussing inappropriate things with boys, offered to contact him to say that it was short notice, not the plan and suggested a comprimise and an offer to discuss things further to try and iron out issues.

He got a text back from ex saying this was all wrong, it was unfair on him etc.

Now was this wrong (my dad - very mild mannered and fair) had got involved becaise of how upset I have been with ex and his bullying recently - will this make this worse
Am I right to say no to arrangement at short notice - I have offered a comprimise.

Ex seems to think arrangements were made last week but as far as I am concerned they were not.

I know I am useless but I need some perspective - thanks

He's obviously furious at having 'lost control' of you - good.

Never mind what's 'fair', sounds as if you've been far too bloody 'fair'. Get bolshy. Get demanding.

It's about time you started calling the shots, stuff what he wants. Stop letting him steamroller you over the house and the kids. If the kids don't want to stay with him, fuck him, don't have it. Put your foot down.

Don't brook any argument or rows and avoid actually speaking to him if he intimidates you, as someone further up said, text and email telling him what you're going to do.

If you both own the house you're entitled to force a sale - speak to your solicitor and do everything through them. Make sure it's recognised you're still paying half by foregoing maintenance - though this is not right - he should still be paying.

I would be very careful about setting a precedent unless it suits you too. He had them last sunday 9-12 and he wants them again this sunday 9-12. My ex did this and basically I was unable to alter things because 'it has been working well so far'. It hadn't for me, I just didn't put my foot down soon enough.

My ex also used short notice to push me around. Again, does it suit you? If not, ask him to come to an arrangement that works for both parties and agree to nothing until he works with you.

Of course he thinks it is unfair, he is not getting his own way but it is in the best interest of your dc to formalise some kind of regular pattern of contact that they can rely on. The focus of contact should be that it is in their interest, not his.

If your solicitor has written with details, I would let them deal with it, you are paying them to sort it out afterall. Take a bit of a back seat so that he doesn't keep coming to you with arguments, you will find it all less stressful that way.

I agree he is lashing out because he is losing control, if you are aware of why people are behaving in a certain way its easier to distance yourself, or it is for me. Try not to engage personally, treat it like a business negotiation.

And No, you are not useless. You need a new phrase..."I'm not perfect but I am fabulous" or something a little less U S of A?

How is the new job going btw?