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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

An introduction..

16 replies

TheLittleMe · 12/04/2010 19:36

Hi!

I have been reading Mumsnet but have yet to post. This is my first time, so please be gentle

I am a single Mum to an almost 5 year old DS. Have been a single Mum by choice since I left my abusive ex partner when I was 4 months pregnant. DS saw his Dad about 5 times in six months from when he was born until I moved abroad with my Mum. There was no contact after that, and my ex partner died in an RTA in 2008. My son has never had a Dad

Do any of you ever tire of people asking what your husbands do? Why are people so nosy? What do you guys say when asked what your husband does etc? My new line is to say I'm a widow (although was never married to DS' Dad), except this just leaves the person asking looking like they want the ground to swallow them whole. Why do I feel embarrassed that I am not married? Is it just me???!!

OP posts:

roselover · 12/04/2010 23:55

do you know its really weird...I am single by choice - my kids have a sperm donor dad - who will never be in their lives and the number of people who ask about the dad is amazing! last week in the Portrait Gallery this total stranger said where is the dad? For some reason - I think I was feeling particularly liberated - I said they dont have one (they are still babies) -this guy just went on asking ....well where is he???? in the end I said - their father was a sperm donor that I never met....I get it all the time - at a fancy Parisan dinner party last year when I was pregnant someone I had never met before asked me who the father was ....I said well I have three lovers so I'm just not sure to be fair.....
I think its fine to say - my son's father is not in our lives anymore...if they ask you any thing else (and some will as there are nosy buggers about) - say ...I have no idea where he is..which is kinda true....I know what you mean about nosy ...a stranger in Boots in the WEstfield centre said .....is their father Indian last week????? no....is was Spanish sperm.....what is it to you?

GardenPath · 13/04/2010 00:10

Ha ha ha!! What did the guy in the Portrait gallery say to that?

Last time it happened to me I said something along the lines of: "Good grief! I have six children! I couldn't possibly manage a husband as well!"

roselover · 13/04/2010 00:30

it was a very weird exchange ....in the gallery...I was tired out as I was hosting people for Easter - (why did I think I could host people with twin babies????) - when I said they were sperm donor babies he said really????? I must tell all my girlfriends - they all want kids and are looking for husbands - he was actually quite nice - (gay) - I can honestly say that having to look after a husband as well as my twins these last six months would have finished me off - I have no time for my lovers these days.... a guy to put the cot up would have been useful I suppose but me and the maternity nurse managed fine...and now I am on holiday in France with mates for whom my babies are a novelty.....so they get handed round all day - bliss....its no shame to be a single parent - I think its the future... when I get time maybe I will think about a partner......I was a step parent once and it was lovely (still involved with my ex step son) - so maybe my kids will have a step father one day - maybe - we all just need to have a sense of humour and develop a thick skin for the stupid people who say things without thinking - love your kids and make them secure thats all you can do....I must admit the NCT classes were a bit odd - no one knew what to do or say to the single mother to be....."if you have a partner he can rub your feet at this point....." most of them felt shocked I think - as I say thick skin needed....

GardenPath · 13/04/2010 04:05

."if you have a partner he can rub your feet at this point....." Ha! As if!

Original poster

TheLittleMe · 13/04/2010 05:45

Phew its not just me! Your stories are brilliant - I get stupid questions all the time. I wish I could just make a joke of it like you, but as ExP is dead it seems a little unsavoury?

I think I have a long way to go in order to lighten up a bit about it instead of feeling hurt and embarrassed. Being a LP isn't anything to be ashamed of, however society paints all LP Mums with the same brush

OP posts:

roselover · 13/04/2010 21:40

I am so sorry for the loss of your ex - even if you are not/were not together - you have that shared experience of having a child - you hint that things were a bit rough between you - have you thought about some therapy to get it sorted in your head - I have had some - sometimes when people die and its unresolved its good to talk about it - the end of the day you are what I call the cutting edge parent - you are going to mold that child - that the thing to focus on - please dont feel bad for other people if they are embarrassed when you say you are widowed - I think you are justified in saying that - what you have to remember is that everyone looks like they are handling life ok - but most people are just hanging on by their finger nails - the trick is to be happy in your skin - ignore them lovey - try and give out a confident air - it kinda works and if you are not really confident - just act like you are...

outnumbered2to1 · 14/04/2010 00:48

i know i shouldn't but this seriously gets on my nerves but i just answer truthfully that DS1's dad lives in austria and chooses not to be involved in his son's life and DS2's dad took to the hills the minute he heard the words "i'm pregnant".

Then i ask quite politely if there is anything else they would like to know? nosey auld buggers most of them just looking for an excuse to make cat's bum mouths and tut disapprovingly.....

Original poster

TheLittleMe · 14/04/2010 05:42

Thanks roselover!

I was very, very young when I got pregnant and left him... and I feel like I have come to terms with eveything that happened in the space of that 4 years (left home, left school, partner turned abusive, got pregnant, left time, moved abroad then exp died) but when I think about the feelings I still have towards telling people I have a son with no father (shame, embarrassment) I think perhaps I would benefit from some kind of therapy. I will definitely look into that, its not something I have thought about before.

Apart from the single Mum thing I think I cope very well, although ask me that in 4 months time when I have moved back to the UK with my son on my own (gulp!!!).

I'm glad you girls say it how it is when someone pokes their nose in - what makes people ask about childrens dads/ husbands??!! Not everyone has one!!!

OP posts:

roselover · 14/04/2010 22:20

maybe this issue of what to say about being the sole parent will get bigger as they get older and they start asking me what to say - but they have a grandfather and uncles and the rest of it - not to mention me - and they are so loved - the funniest thing was my sisters neighbour who wanted to know what to tell her daughters - "where shall I say the babies came from???" - which hints at the point that everyone, even loving friends would dearly love to tell you what they think about how you choose to live your life .....dont give them the chance to explain their moral judgment ..... my richest - longest married friend has kids who are down right depressed - so you know there is no formula for happy families - and if the dad is nt there well too bad - focus on the next six months - survive that and then focus on the next six months - as to moving on on your own - you make friends through your kids - also if you were young when you had him that means you are young now - take a breath get yourself settled and who knows mr wonderful might be around the corner -

GardenPath · 15/04/2010 00:49

"....its no shame to be a single parent -"

I should think not, in this day and age - we deserve a bloody medal.

We're doing two jobs to start off with, don't forget, mum and dad.

But we're up against societal attitudes that have been around for a very long time and will take as long to shift.

As said on the "Which entrenched views need to change in society" thread:

...that there's no such term as 'unmarried father'.

Or 'youth pregnancy'.

...that single mothers are sluts, single fathers are heroes.

Original poster

TheLittleMe · 15/04/2010 05:32

Thank you so much! You have made me feel really positive about everything... Thank you x

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/04/2010 05:36

Ask them "Why do you want to know?"

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2010 17:38

Oh good one Mathanxiety - that's always the best way to deal with nosy questions. Because, after all, it isn't anyone else's business unless they are assessing you for a loan or something.

Original poster

TheLittleMe · 15/04/2010 17:41

I know.. But people do it ALL the time!!! Its so weird, I would never automatically assume that someone is married because they have kids.. You just never assume people's circumstances, and anyway, why should it matter?

OP posts:

elastamum · 16/04/2010 19:58

I have 2 kids at prep school. People always call me Mrs Ex or ask what my husband does! so now I just say 'I'm divorced' They look a little embarassed but they dont ask twice! Once they know, I have always got on really well with the teachers and the other mums at school. As a single parent who works I am something of a novelty in my kids social circle

GardenPath · 17/04/2010 02:32

Tsk, tsk, elastamum....you're a single parent who does PAID work - ALL single parents work.

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