contact order enforcement

[caitlinemma]

Hi my ex is going to court for a contact order for our 2 kids 7 and 5. I have agreed to most as i think its more than fair but i have said i will not agree to him having them xmas eve - xmas day. I suggested xmas day - boxing day but it looks like im going to fail here. The judge seemed to be on his side without hearing anything from me. I dont see how it is fair that i spend the rest of the year feeding them, clothing them, dealing with the tears and tantrums, school fees, childminding fees and stress of bringing up children alone so that he can get that one magical day a year and i miss out?! I dont intend to give in and i know that will mean im breaking a contact order once a year, his solicitor told me i could go to prison, get community service or fined a hefty sum. I am a struggling working mother on a terrible wage, how likely is any of the above and has anyone heard of a mother being sent to prison for this?

Can you suggest to a compromise of taking it in turns each year? One year he has xmas eve - xmas day, the next he has xmas day - boxing, or even boxing - 27th?

My ds1 has to go and see his dad at xmas and my dh has his dd1 and ds1 come to stay with us (different mums) so it can be very complicated. But we have worked it over the years so we alternate and one year have all of them with us and the next we have 'our' xmas on boxing day - or later depending on other family members.

We only have a court order with his ds1 and the judge preferred us to compromise and agree on decisions.

It's unlikely you'd be prosecuted if you gave ex access boxing day instead of xmas, that's usually for more serious breaches and often ones that go back to court several times.

Don't necessarily 'give in', do what you think is right and fair for all involved. And keep your fingers crossed for a reasonable judge - they are out there!

You need to alternate. Most people believe that the magic of Christmas Eve and the waking up of Christmas Day is one of the best bits.

It's only fair to alternate.

I doubt the judge stipulates it's every year ! Every other is the norm

It's a magical time, and neither of you should have to miss out entirely. The way you are feeling about losing it is the same as your ex feels about missing out too. So I'm sure you can understand some of his pain given your own, and ask him to appreciate you feel that way too.

The usual compromise is xmas eve & day and then swap with the other parent getting xmas evening and boxing day. Or if travel is an issue then boxing day onwards.

It is of course difficult whichever if you are completely excluded, and I do feel for you. Plus doing a hand over on xmas day is never nice. Whoever is collecting has to miss a big chunk of the day with their family regardless, especially if there is any kind of distance involved or you are at grandparents etc.

Is there no way you could see yourself allowing your ex to have xmas lunch with you and opening presents after before he takes the children back to his for boxing day? And then hope that he appreciates it and reciprocates on his year.

Regardless I think it highly unlikely the judge would order every year, and you would certainly have strong grounds to complain in that situation unless there were extenuating circumstances (and even if there were). I assume there is no relevant reason why your ex would never be able to do boxing day (eg work commitments?)

Alternative years is the usual compromise/agreement/enforcement (depending on your viewpoint). And the judge will do everything they can to try and get you to agree to the contact rather than enforce it. So it seems odd that they would insist on you missing xmas eve every year.

Can you accept every other year, given that you get the vast majority of the rest of the year (good times as well as bad) with them. You are after all both of their parents, and really no one 'deserves' it more than the other. Look at it from the children's point of view. I'm sure they would much prefer to have both their parents around on xmas day, assuming they can be civil to one another for a few hours...?

I agree with others. Can you accept every other year or split the day?

I had a similar issue with my case. Ex & I had agreed to alternate but we couldn't agree who would go first.

The judge basically said that kids should spend it with both of us and split the day. We've varied it ourselves now and alternate. We've even shared the day together as in had xmas dinner together but thats years since my case and the emotions have died down.

Quite honestly it isn't worth the stress.

My DP and his ex have a court order - she frequently breaks it, as far as me and my DP know there isn't anything that the courts can do. We have contacted the judge who said he has to take it back to court if both partys cannot agree.

They do want to alternate starting this year. My problem is the contact is sporadic and depends on whether my ex feels like seeing the children. The children do not want to go with him alot of the time so they will not want to spend christmas eve and christmas day with him. He was very abusive when we were together and unfortunately my eldest remembers all too well. I feel that it would be suitable and 'fair' if the parenting and costs of raising children was even but its not so why should christmas be even? I did not have children to pack them off to someone else for christmas, i had children because i wanted my own family. Now that i have my own family why should i spend christmas alone? He has a girlfriend and his family to spend christmas with... I have only my children. I would have willingly let him into my home for christmas for the childrens benefit but he isnt allowed to talk to me or be near me unsupervised because his gf has severe jealousy issues will not allow it even though we have been separated for 2 years. He really isn't that bothered about the children the rest of the year and has never maintained regular contact.

well it will all most likely dwindle down to nothing. keep a diary of when he does see them,then if its really as sporadic as you say,return to court for variation

alsp,his relationship with jealous girlfriendd isnt very likely to last long is it?

The things is they are his children too, and his parents are also their grandparents. It may well be that they want to have a family christmas all together.

If he really isn't interested, and it's too difficult to get them back to you, and your children and miserable when they are with him he will likely fade away. Have you thought about maybe inviting his parents to your house for christmas dinner so they get to see tehir grandchildren, if perhaps that is the main reason for the christmas request?

It's important to remain child focused. I hope you didn't didn't ask in court why should you spend Christmas alone. The point about contact is that it is children's right to share Christmases with both parents.

The solicitor is correct, since December 2008 there are new enforcement measures and non compliance with contact orders can result in orders for community service and financial compensation as well as the usual contempt of court measures (fines and imprisonment), change of residence or a shared residence order to equalize the power between parents and/or costs orders. However, the enforcement of contact orders is for the benefit of children, not to punish parents and a court's first line is likely to be a telling off or contact activity directions, say, to attend parenting classes.

The bottom line is non compliance with a court order without an exceptional excuse is likely to result in a lot of hassle, even worse relations between parents which may very well impact on your children's emotional well being and there is the potential for it to be expensive. The last time I answered the question whether a court would really imprison a the poster disappeared for two weeks - it turned out she had been in prison.

I can completely understand how you feel that he will have your dcs for xmas when like you say you look after them all year.

I have no advice for you but just wanted to offer sympathy.

How old are your dc's? If your eldest remembers the abuse etc and is unhappy when going to see dad then maybe the courts could have someone speak to your ds to find out what he wants? As it is suppose to be for the children after all.

I hope you get something resolved.