struggling

[daphaneee]

(Formally happysadconfused)
OK, I'm what, nearly 11 weeks down the line. Nearly 11 weeks since I took my lo and left the family home. Last week we moved into a new rented home, tidy house, good size, really lucky to find it really. lo (3) likes it there. We were staying with my parents, who were great but it was hard work for everyone, getting on top of each other etc...I couldn't wait to move on, to start again, get on with things, for us you know?
But in reality, I'm struggling, really struggling, on the verge of tears nearly all the time, lonely as hell, worried about everything, the future, bills, being capable of going it alone.... everything. Doesn't help that I have no tv/web access there yet, was supposed to be getting installed tomorrow, but they've cancelled that until 28th.
I'm finding it very difficult to pick myself up and get on! I have never lived on my own, even before I met my ex 15 years ago I lived with family, and I'm bloody scared to be honest.
My poor little 3 year old was comforting me when I was crying this morning....bless him, that is just not right is it!!

Don't give yourself a hard time. What would you be saying to a friend in your situation? Then say the same to yourself.

Sometimes small things can really get to us, being the final straw as it were. Accept that, have a good cry and get back to being the best mum you can.

In time you will come to appreciate having your own place. Living with parents for a while is fine, but you couldn't live there forever in reality now could you. All driving each other nuts!

But don't be afraid to visit them. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and a break even. I'm sure your parents miss having your lo around too. So maybe suggest they have him overnight occassionally (and then make it regular if it works out). Or ask them to have him while you pop to the shops, or doctors or so you can visit a friend or wherever.

Today was a tough day, and you were still a good mum. Tomorrow may be tough too, or it may be better. Just be the best mum you can be whatever the circumstances.

I am sure somebody will come along with much better advice but I did not want your post unanswered.

It is only part of the 'grieving process' you're weepy, scared and lonely, believe me it will get better.

You have done so much in the space of 11 weeks, moved out, found a new places, settling in, be proud of yourself for accomplishing this. See if there are any lone parents groups in the area, speak to your GP for counselling and/or anti-depressants to get you through this difficult period.

Make the place homely, hang up your lo's drawings on the fridge, make it really yours. Living alone is NOT scary, being lonely in a miserable relationship is.

it is ahuge step and it takes time - a lot of time - to make your new house a home adn settle in to new routines...try and get out each day to park, to surestart centre/drop in groups, etc and if you can, to meet friends...

be kind to yourself.

Keep a little notebook daphaneee and write about the future in it, what your plans are, how you are feeling, what you will do the following day, ideas to have fun, anything and everything but NEVER write anything that isn't positive. Thats what kept me sane. I wrote about how I would make a social life for myself, how things might be in ten years, wrote about wanting to turn my room into a private and personal boudoir! and slowly am sortng these things out. Keep smiling, be patient, let yourself cry, spoil yourself. Keep going hun have an unMN hug xx

Hi Daphanee, I don't have any great advice but just felt really sympathetic towards you so hoped I could reassure you a little bit.

Like you I had never lived on my own, always with family, friends, then DH and always thought it would be really awful too actually. Then DH got arrested/remanded in custody (nothing really awful or violent, I always have to defend him!) when I was 19wks pg with DS. Was suddenly alone, pregnant AND hiding what had happened from family and friends initially, then trying to explain/defend it later on. Was terrifying and awful, and I felt all the things you feel. Then I had DS and had to do all that on my own too, as well as taking him to prison to see DH and feeling all the while like a terrible mum for this. Also had a lot of anger towards DH for putting us in this position, I don't know why you left your XH but maybe you have anger too and sometimes that was particularly hard as it's generally a pointless emotion!

BUT after a while (and really not relatively long at all) it became normal and me and DS had a happy little life (not saying I never got upset or had sad moments, but generally I was more than just getting by, I was quite content). I made sure I kept busy and kept in touch with any new mum and baby friends, joined groups etc and that helped. But I think people are remarkably resilient in general and adapt to any situation given time... That's all you need, at the moment everything is new, different and scary but it will settle down and you will be happy again. Good luck and I also like the notebook idea mentioned in a previous post!

PS. DH got home earlier this year and we are now having to adjust again... I promise you I sometimes wish it was still just me and DS!!

Hiya,

I felt exactly the same when I left with my 2 dcs nearly 6 months ago..It does get better, I promise.

What helped me with regards to bills was to write down how much money I was getting a month (which, isnt a lot and that was what scared me the most) and then write down what bills I would need to pay out.

Do alot with your ds. Go to the park, paint etc etc etc.

I got both dc (2) and (1) to help decorate their bedrooms with me (not a very good ide in hindsight but was great fun)

Good luck, you will be fine I am sure.

Oh, and btw, I had never lived on my own either. I'd get plenty of books for ready when your ds has gone to bed. I was getting through a book every couple of days

Thanks so much ladies, good advice and kind words all very much needed and taken on board. I love the notebook idea too. I will start this today as I had a few postive thoughts and ideas this morning.
I'm up and down, very much like when I initially left, it's like now we're on our own the process is starting all over again. We will be fine, I'll make sure we are, I know that, but don't always believe it at the moment. I'm also beginning to realise I need this time out, on my own to gain my confidence, strength and self belief back, and half of me is looking forward to the next chapter in my life and the other half wants to run away, well, maybe 60/40 actually, so thats promising. I just have this little anxious knot in the back of my mind all the time. Sometimes it is right in front, as it was when I wrote this post, but it's always there....at the moment.
This is bloody tough though!

Really relate to your "now we're on our own it's like the whole process has started again" feelings, I found that too, every time something happened like that it was as if the whole thing was starting agin, but I found that each time it was shorter - in other words, I adjusted quicker each time (for me, court hearings, postponmennts, verdict, sentencing etc) - for you, hopefully this is it, you can get settled now you have your own place.

As you say, you will be fine because you'll make sure you will - something I always said, and it's true but sometimes f*ing lonely, difficult and unfair and sometimes you just don't want to do it (no matter how supportive people are, it is you who goes home and has to deal with it alone at the end of the day). But you will be fine and you should be extremely proud of yourself, because if you can do this, you can do pretty much anything (a bit of a hideous cliche but a fact!)

Good luck and post back to let us know things are getting easier

i echo everything thats already been said

i left with 4 dc and had never lived alone either.

but,here we are,5 years on,and its best thing i ever did!!

eldest is doing gcse's now...got her that far somehow....and late last year i achieved a proud moment,i laid a new bathroom floor all by myself!!!

little things....keep going!! you're doing great