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Help with ex

5 replies

NK1999c6e0X127f0be21ce · 12/04/2010 12:45

EH moved out at the beginning of March, and moved straight into another relationshipbut that doesnt bother me, our relationship was over a long time ago. What does bother me, is that since he moved out, (he has son 1 day during week and one overnight stay every other weekend (so 6 visits a month on average)) he has been late picking son up twice, late dropping him home twice, didnt turn up at all once and effectively "dumped" his arrangements to see son on 2 occasions to see new partner instead.(We made a seperation agreement a long time ago that said any new partners need to be on the scene for 3 months before they can be introduced to child). He has a child from a previous relationship and would never dream of messing that ex around - mainly because she has been a b*tch from hell many a time.

My question is, does anyone have any suggestions for how I can make it clear to ex that if he makes arrangements I expect him to be there on time and as he promises without turning in to b*tch from hell mode and keeping it as amicable, which for the most part we are managing.
He has always been so good at dealing with the other child that it never occurred to me when we wrote the seperation agreement that I would need a "what happens if this fails" type scenario.

But now I suspect that his ability to be on time etc was actually just me making sure he left on time, chased for contact dates/times etc.

He is very laid back so doesn't usually give a damn about things - most of the time won't even say sorry - and usually blames me (e.g. latest one was, he was late bringing son home, but it's my fault because I should have picked him up from the train station, even though he'd told me they were getting a bus!).

Any suggestions gratefully received, just want to make it clear to him that I want to be treated with some common decency and respect, I do have my own life, and its me that has to pick up the pieces when he lets son down (he is still in its all new, gets excited when its a Daddy day mode)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/04/2010 14:08

is difficult. not a lot you can do really.

for pick ups you can set a 20 minute deadline- if he doesnt turn up or have good explanation you go off and do something else.

drop offs more difficult if he got the child and you waiting.

Tanga · 12/04/2010 20:49

It's really early days so I would just see how things go for a bit. Separation takes a lot of adjusting to (as I'm sure you realise yourself) I think you also need to be quite wary of comparing his parenting attitude to the two children - that way madness lies.

When you say late, are we talking 10 minutes or 3 hours? I know my DSS drags his feet terribly at going home time, specially if it is going to be a week until he sees his dad again. And how far away is he? Travel can be unpredictable, too.

Also - and you aren't going to like this - you have to decide what your goal is. If it is quality contact for your DS, then maybe you should forget about the not introducing him to new people thing.

Having said all that, why not suggest a 'review' of how things are going - through mediators if you feel that would be appropriate - just to discuss the arrangements and see if anything could be improved. You don't need to mention any problems when you suggest it, just a kind of co-parenting thing (maybe download a parenting plan to work through) and then issues can arise in a less confrontational manner. And really well done for keeping things amicable - I know how hard it is!

Niceguy2 · 12/04/2010 22:44

I would suggest you don't sweat the small stuff. If he's a bit late then just let it slide.

See how things settle down. You've only been split for about a month.

As for the ex being the bitch from hell.....perhaps there's a reason!

NK1999c6e0X127f0be21ce · 13/04/2010 06:16

Thanks for the advice, will try and bite my tongue for a bit longer and see how things settle. Just hate feeling powerless and as if my life/time doesn't matter.

You never know, he might surprise me and start improving.

The new people introductory thing is to protect son more than anything, at the end of 3 months you should know where you are with a relationship (is it just a bit of fun or something more serious - and react accordingly) and although I wasn't expecting to have to deal with it straight away, sticking to it is giving son time to adapt to new lifestyle without adding a third element, he's only 4 and still coming to terms with the fact Daddy isnt coming back.

Anyway, thank you for the advice

OP posts:
Chandra · 13/04/2010 10:30

I don't think he is going to improve, if anything, he will get worse with time.

Someone here suggested some time ago to do handovers in a public place, with a 15 minutes window. So, let say that you are meeting at play centre between 4:45 and 5.00, if he doesn't show by 5, you leave and he doesn't see his child until next date. In my case, it has worked like a charm.

It may sound mean, but it is worse to be explaining the child why his father keeps failing to keep to his promises.

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