Advice for a single father please.

[misterbump]

I'll cut a long story short and merely say that the local courts have given me joint custody of my 31 month old daughter.

I have a minimal relationship with my daughter, as the mother has denied me access for the majority of her life.

I have asked the mother if she will help ease our daughter's transition to being with the both of us. She isn't going to help.

So all of a sudden I am in a foreign country with an almost 3 year old that I know nothing about.

I can cook, clean, iron, mend clothes etc. so don't overly worry about those things.

Please could you help me with these and any other advice.

Will she be in a bed yet.
Potty trained.
Food eating skills.

Thank you
Michael

Hi Michael, and welcome. You can always come back and ask specific things as you go along...anyway.

Every child is different and she may be potty trained, or not - you could test this out but have a supply of size 5ish/junior nappies in case she isn't.

You may need spare clothes, especially underwear, tights, vests etc

Bed wise, she might be in a bed, a cot or still sleeping with her mother though the latter is less common by 2 and a half. You can do as you wish, whatever suits you but be prepared for some sleep disturbance as she has been left with a stranger and won't be too happy about that, from the sound of it she has barely met you before.

What do you mean by a foreign country? Are you in the uK, and what is your own set up like? Let us know if we can help further.

Hello and thank you.

I have moved to Italy to be with my daughter.

I am very worried about the upset my daughter, S, is intially going to have at being parted from her mother. I am loathe to spoil her, but feel that treats may initially ease the transition.

I have ready full sets of clothing, and have arranged with my mother for her to come over for a few weeks. I've cut my work hours, so that the days she's with me I can initially give her my undivided attention. Lots of toys, books, puzzles etc in her room.

So I'll buy her a low level bed. I'm presuming to get cushions to put at the edge in case she falls out. Am I worrying too much?

Her room will be next to mine, and I'm a very light sleeper so 'should' hear S if she awakes.

It sounds as though you have everything in hand

Not worrying too much, though they tend not to fall out too much at this stage - but she might climb in with you, or need you to stay with her a lot at first, till she settles.

Talk about her mum when she is with you, ask her what she wants to do, that kind of thing.

She might not be able to tell you much but it's your only source by the sound of it - what a situation.

Good luck, and I hope it goes OK without too much upset.

A very useful publication is the birth to five matters book. Every new mum gets given it by their midwife/health visitor. You should get yourself a copy.

Not sure how you go about getting one now, but you could ring your gp/health visitor or local sure start centre and ask them if they can help you.

Look here for more info
www.nhs.uk/Planners/birthtofive/Pages/Babyessentialshub.aspx

It will be tough for any child to be left alone with someone who is more or less a complete stranger to them. You must expect lots of tears and confusion and asking for mummy. That is all normal but your daughter will soon adapt. To be honest it sounds like your ex is hoping you find it too hard and hopes you may fail. Either that or she simply can't cope with the situation so is refusing to help, even though it would make it easier for your/her child to have some kind of transition. Even to know if she has a special toy or comforter of some kind.

Having your mum there at the start is a good idea. No one knows exactly what to do or how to do it when they become a parent and when you have a distressed child screaming for their mummy it can be very hard to know what to do for the best, especially if you have not had much experience around children before.

Just remember that every new parent learns as they go along. So you will be doing just that too.

It is challanging, but also extremely rewarding. And your daughter will no doubt benefit enormously from having you as an active and important part in her life.

Lets hope her mum comes around soon and starts thinking about what really matters, the welfare of your daughter.

Best wishes to you all.

Good lord...a judge ruled that THIS was in the best interests of a 31 month old child???

incandescent, what do you mean -- you don't think that he should have joint custody? (apologies if x-posting, am slow to type tonight)

Michael, that's a really good idea about getting your mum involved too. Don't worry if you don't get all the practical stuff right straight away, just make sure you give lots of affection and listen to your daughter and take things slowly

Can I recommend Penelope Leach's book, Your Baby and Child, as a very reassuring and confidence-in-your-instincts-building read? Not strong on detail about routines, etc you may want other books for that stuff, if indeed you want any but it's just really well-written, intelligent and readable and encouraging. She helps you to see things from a small child's POV, in an insightful and unpatronising way. Relevant up to about 5 years I think.

Good luck.

incandescent , i think its italian judge/court.
michael ... get toys ! little kids love the crafty stuff, playdough, sandpits, paint ect. Make pictures with your dd for her mum/gran/ yourself/ her room/ anyreason actually.
A 3 YEAR old will/should eat almost anything an adult would, (avoid penuts, ect), in fact she might like helping to cook ....mine loved "cooking" salads and sandwiches at that age.

Oh, and just to add: keep browsing all the topics here, and make use of the Advanced Search facility, and you will find old threads as well as current ones on all topics relating to stuff like food, sleep, emotional development and so on and on ... because children at that age vary soooo much, and the very act of reading about others' experiences will help you get a sense of what you might expect and what's "normal"-ish.

Oh yes, play-doh -- DS is about the same age and there is NOTHING he loves more than a fresh pot of play-doh. Especially if his preferred DVD of the moment is on at the same time.

He'll spend ages sitting on the floor by the coffee table, watching and sculpting (usually animals relating to whatever DVD it is, eg Jungle Book snakes and tigers) and chatting. It's a nice low-key way to hang out; I sit down beside him and we make stuff together.

It does get all over the rug in little dried-in blobs, but hey, small price to pay ...

dorothea, I do think Michael should see his daughter, but not overnight at this young age. It's going to be terribly traumatic for both him and the little one.

The mother is behaving appallingly - don't get me wrong - but is there not a case for Michael getting to know his daughter incrementally until she at least recognises him and can articulate her preference to stay overnight with him? Forcing a 31 month old to be away from her routine/environment with a complete stranger is cruel imho.

Does your daughter even understand English, Michael??

Fair point, incandescent.

It does sound like a hard thing for all concerned. If that is what's going on though, hope he uses all resources including MN to try and make the best of it.

So you want to put a child in the position of having to 'articulate her preference' in the face of her mother's clear hostility to the idea? To make a 2 and a half year old choose whether to have a relationship with her Daddy and upset her Mummy.

Yeah, that would be much less traumatic.

I think it is lovely and amazing that you have changed country to be with your daughter and wish you the best of luck.
There are a few mners who live in Italy who may be able to assist with any Italy specific questions you may have. You can find them on the living overseas board.

She's nearly 3 she can probabaly manage an overnight but it does seem like a more gradual introduction to life with dad would maker sense.

Micheal sorry to hear that her nmum isn't being too helpful but girls of this age have lots of opinions so do ask her what she likes doing and if all else fails but ice cream. Good luck.

if she is with you for several days at a time, try to find some play groups to go to so that she can build 'friends' at your place - it doesn't sound like mum will help you with providing numbers of people she knows so that she can see familiar faces. any chance mum will give you a pic of her for your dd to have by the bed? (or do you have an old one?)

she may be potty trained, but might still bedwet at night & the new situation may make her wet, but this should be a temp. thing.

try to have some fairly standard every day things to do together, as well as some 'wow' days out - you'll need to keep her busy, but also she needs normality to help her settle.

do you speak italian? have any social contacts? it's going to be hard for you, good luck

Tanga, I think the situation is hideous, but a child with better language skills would at least be able to understand the idea of her michael being her daddy, and that staying with him is temporary. a 31 month old will have no such grasp and that's what's going to be so distressing.

when i say temporary, i mean that mummy isn't gone forever and she'll be back with her soon.

you have to think about it from the child's perspective from the age they are at NOW, rather than just thinking that a child will benefit from a relationship with her father in long term. the child will benefit from knowing her dad, but not in these terms. indeed, i would posit that this current plan could actually cause the child psychological harm.

Firstly, we don't know from the OP what languages the child speaks, or what kind of time periods are involved. It may well be incrementally built up (contact and residence being two different things - not that I have any knowledge of the Italian familt court system).

Secondly, are you suggesting that all the children under 31 months who are put into childcare don't understand who they have been left with, or that it is temporary, and have been psychologically harmed?

true, Tanga it may well be incremental; we don't know.

i think it's possible that leaving a child with a stranger for more than 24 hours could well generate more stress than is good for a child, yes. it would be rare to leave a child of that age with a cm or in a nursery for longer than 8 hours - and they're professionals who are well used to children. i think it's the overnight thing and michael's inexperience that will cause the most distress here. the whole experience is going to be extremely disorientating for her.

why can't she spend 2 days a week with him and wait until she can say she wants to stay longer/overnight with him? why rush a 2 and a half year old?

Because by putting her in a position of having to say she wants to stay overnight places her in the invidious position of having to defy her primary carer who is clearly hostile to contact.

Also, a parent who refuses to ease the transition for the child is not going to restrain herself from undermining the contact and putting the child under immense psychological pressure NOT to have contact. I invite you to consider the child's point of view in this scenario.

IMO that is far, far more damaging than staying with someone new overnight (and again, there's nothing to say she won't have spent some time getting to know her daddy prior to that). By the time they are 3, lots of kids have had an overnight stay away from their Mums, with Grandparents perhaps. I would be perfectly happy for my 3 year old to spend a night with his paternal grandparents, even though due to distance he has only met them a handful of times.

You can't have it both ways - if 3 year olds aren't capable of understanding that a change in circumstances is temporary then that applies to childcare as well as time with Dad - according to your logic, the children don't understand that mummy is coming back. (Which clearly is nonsense, as any Mum who regularly drops her toddler off at childcare will tell you.)

And finally, I don't think having to wait 31 months to spend a night with your own child could possibly be described as 'a rush'.