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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am i being selfish

19 replies

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 16:55

Hi i have done the impossible and found a childminder who will have my two ds aged 3 and 5 overnight on a saturday twice a month for a very reasonable fee.Im not sure if i would be doing the right thing though.My sister suggested looking for a babysitter as i never get to go out as ex refuses to have the children overnight as he has said he doesnt want me to have a social life and my family wont help.I feel more comfortable with a childminder than a babysitter but am i being incredibly selfish to send my children off twice a month just so i can get some time to myself

OP posts:

electra · 09/04/2010 17:06

Of course you're not being selfish! How horrid of your ex to try to control you that way so much so that he is compromising quality time with his children. As long as you are happy that this person will take good care of your children, I say grab the opportunity with both hands!! Who is this childminder? I want one!

notevenamousie · 09/04/2010 18:15

You are not selfish, but wise. It will do you much good. It is the right thing for all of you. Your ex is being vindictive and unpleasant and has no idea of either his childrens' best interests OR what it is like to truly parent a child.

So, where/ how did you find her, do you mind sharing? In a similar sort of position.

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 18:48

Ah thanks for your reply electra.She is lovely we have met once and im going over to her house for a second visit with my boys next week.I found her on direct gov.I was honest and told her its not childcare for work but for me to have some time to myself and she was so lovely about it.Im going to make sure me and the boys are 100 per cent comfortable first.

My ex is a horrible person.He finds ds1 (who has autism)to 'hard to deal with'.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 18:52

too.

I just searched for childminders on direct gov.Out of the 206 in my area only six offered overnight care.I emailed all of them and she was the only one that had a vacancy.

OP posts:

maristella · 09/04/2010 19:01

Beautician, you are not selfish!
hope you really enjoy your time out x

overmydeadbody · 09/04/2010 19:05

No that is not selfish.

You are allowed to put your needs and wants first sometimes. Your childrne will not suffer, in fact they will benefit from having a happier mum!

I go out at least twice a month, if not more, without DS.

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 19:23

Thank you all for making me feel better.I really needed to be told that as sometimes its soo hard being the decision maker for everything and having no one to discuss it with.My friends will all probably have heart attacks though when i actually utter the word yes instead of no for a cinema trip,night out etc invite

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 09/04/2010 19:59

No, you're not selfish. But I'm jealous...

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 21:01

Hope you find someone QueenOfWhatever.I realise im lucky so i should make the most of it.It seems almost too good to be true.I was going to use the babysitters website and had some positive responses from a few people on there as well.

OP posts:

moondog · 09/04/2010 21:03

God no and what a swine your ex sounds.
Getting a break will do you a world of good.Hard enough to be a lone parent, especially so if one has autism.

Take all the support you can-you need ad deserve it.

GoingPostal · 09/04/2010 21:15

you can never have too many people agreeing with you - so just to add to the chorus of no, definitely NOT selfish! Childminder sounds ideal and overnight is brilliant, means you can get a lie-in too and you're not having to worry about getting back by a certain time. and she will probably be more relaxed about your ds having autism than a babysitter might? Enjoy!

PS love your name, makes me laugh every time I see it!

Abundantia · 09/04/2010 21:17

She sounds like just what you need. You deserve to have that time off.

RedBlueRed · 09/04/2010 21:22

That is such a good idea, I'm going to have to look into it myself. My god don't we all need a break sometimes?

Ignore ex...is being a pillock.

Original poster

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/04/2010 22:00

GoingPostal i used to have a poster up in the beauty salon saying Beautician Not Magician as well lol.Luckily my clients had a sense of humour.Sometimes we had to chuckle i mean wanting beautiful sweeping eyebrows is all well and good but not so when you have about five hairs left from over plucking.

I hope that others have success in finding someone.I chose childminder rather than babysitter as i was concerned about qualifications etc and childminders have to be ofsted registered.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2010 02:11

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are a person and your wellbeing is important, and it is essential for any person's wellbeing that s/he has time to indulge him/herself and do stuff that is purely for his/her benefit.
Please do bear in mind that coupled parents sometimes hire overnight babysitters so they can have a night out, a meal out, go dancing, have a few drinks or whatever: every parent needs some childfree time.

coldtits · 10/04/2010 03:12

If my ex didn't have my children 1 or 2 nights a week, I'd be stark raving BONKERS. My ds1 also has Autism (mild) and ADHD and bless him and keepp him, he is wearing. You are very very clever for recognising what a happier and better mother you will be for leaving them with a qualified childminder and allowing yourself time and space to shag unsuitable boys relax.

BooKangerooWonders · 10/04/2010 04:08

not selfish - but what a good idea that the childminder has them overnight. If you're feeling at all guilty, you can reassure yourself that they'll be asleep most of the time and won't miss you anyway.
Hope you enjoy your 'you' time - don't waste a single second of it worrying about your dc!

OptimistS · 10/04/2010 10:47

Just to echo what everyone else says, this is an excellent idea and good for you for arranging it. IT will make you a much better parent (though I'm sure you're a great one already) because your own needs are being met and therefore you are better capable of meeting your children's.

TBH I am jealous as hell as I have managed 2 nights off from my children since they were born. I too have an ex who won't 'babysit' (how can you 'babysit' your own children?) and I'm only just managing to pay for full-time childcare for work, let along overnighters for a weekend, but if I could, I would definitely go for it. You are NOT being selfish.

Now go out and enjoy yourself!

Parsleypants · 10/04/2010 10:50

Good on you, you are being really responsible I think. Ex-h has ds Fri and Sat night every other weekend and I would go loop the loop without that time. Have fun!!

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