How to deal with idolisation of ex by DS

[marl]

Any tips on this one? We left my dear cheating bullying ex when DS was a baby, now 9, and now have new DP and second DS.

DS sees his father regularly and I have gone through endless legal problems with the man and had having to be very firm that he needs to leave ME alone though he sees DS. This has made it extremely difficult to think of him with any kind feelings at all.

What I'm struggling with is the constant idoliation of him by DS. I blew last week over a stupid thing. Grandpa asked him who'd taught him to play chess. DP has spent hours and hours with him doing this, reading books with him etc and DS talks instead about how brilliant his dad is at chess and how he has taught him! Ditto with DS banging on about dad's ongoing collection of materialistic nonsense and sports cars, how clever he is etc etc. His values are very different from ours. How has anyone else coped well with this? THB I can't see my son every seeing through it all and ex is a good salesman. Perhaps I should not be bothered but it's hard to hear him constantly mentioned like this, and very often these things in front of my friends and family. I try very hard to either say positive things about ex or not say anything at all, but it's not getting much easier despite the years.

I think it's age related to be honest and you'll have to grin and bear it until DS is old enough to either make up his own mind or understand your perspective. I absolutely appreciate where you're coming from and you owe your ex no loyalty at all, but you do need to be loyal to your ds and he's too young to hear his dad is a shit.

This is SO annoying, yes, I have suffered too. He will probably grow out of it, and I agree, dont slag the ex off.

I would probably try a bit of reasoned talk though, eg "Dp has spent a lot of time teaching you chess as well, ds, don't forget that." without criticising the ex. Also, you can give him another point of view about things to get him thinking for himself.

yes agree - i hear my friend's daughter ay "my daddy this..." my daddy that..." (also separated parents)
"my daddy is bigger/better than your daddy..."
correct factual errors gently but let him idolise his dad....

All children idolise their parents and think the world of them. And one day we all get a rude awakening and realise our parents aren't actually completely perfect.

Children are smart and your son will see for himself one day. Let your son find out in his own time about his dad.

Hard as it is try not to blow but simply point out any 'oversights' and remind your son that everyone in life is different and have different priorities. Remind him what matters to you.

And yes it is hard to hear it, and very easy to get cross at what you see as an injustice. But try really hard to simply remind your son that dp has also spent a lot of time playing chess with him and how lucky he is to have all these people to do things like that for him.

And if you believe 'material nonsense' is really that then simply remind him how important the things that matter to you are. Family, support, being there for important things like school plays, birthdays etc. Whatever it is that you feel matters more than material things.
Materials things aren't bad in reality. We all have, and probably want for more material things, but if you feel obsessiong or 'showing off' is an issue then you need to handle that issue and explain your priorities to your son. But right now he thinks his dad is great and can do no wrong. So you have to be careful about how you address any such concerns so as not to be critical as such.

Very tough, I wish you luck!