why cant i get my ex out of my head

[sez2068]

god i feel like i am going mad!

split from xh 2 years ago..

really couldnt take any more of his lies and cheating..

have a lovely new man i have been with for a while now..

but i cant ever seem to really move on. thoughts of the life i had with my ex are always there. i mean, always. for 2 years, always in the bak of my mind. and i know a lot of it is false memories, like i will miss holidays we had etc but if i examiine those thoughts a bit deeper i will remember for eg him getting drunk and telling me to 'f off and die' or on a cruise suggesting that i 'jump off the back of the boat'

and he was addicted to sex texting and porn and drank a lot and went throughg a stage of drug use and emailed other women, blah blah, while i did everything for him and we did have a closeness, a lot of intimacy - so why?!

i think that what i miss is the easiness of family life. its so complicated now.. my darling bf has 3 small children and of mt 2 dcs, my dd (10)is happy with the situation but my ds (12)is very resistant - doesnt want us to live together, resents my bfs dcs and while he accepts my xh new relationship - he lives with her - he doesnt want me with anyone.

also there was a really easy intimacy with my xh that i cant imagine having again - well we were together 15 years and he was very easy going. its so hard starting again especially when you cant live togeher or even spend many nights together and get to know each other propery.

so my bf lives in a flat, and i live in the old home, and we have this bitty kind of life where he visits and goes home in the evening and we cant really make a life together and i miss 'normal' family life so much..

even though that life often consisted of me lying awake wondering where xh was and what state he would come home in and hating him!

i got so confused and unhappy about it all recently especially my ds being so messed up that i wanted to 'fix it' and actually asked my xh if he would come back - a very blunt no! which is probably a good thing! just i suppose i look back to before the trouble started and when the dcs were small and we did always have a laugh together and got on. i dont miss him physically - dont fancy him anymore - he always stinks of drink and i know how unpleasant he can be deep down..so what am i doing?!

its guilt for the dcs and what they have lost and for me just missing a semblance of normality i suppose.

crunch was last night, bf has his 3 staying at the flat for easter and my 2 are off with dad and gf to france. i went to see my bf at teh flat when kids asleep then came home (had promised my ds they wouldnt stay while he nnot here) and driving home i felt so lonely and tearful, empty house etc and it was my xh i was thinking of. how fked up is that? i just feel like my life is getting nowhere. i thinj if my ds was happy i wouldnt feel quite so bad.

and does this mean i dont really love my bf (i try to imagine being without him but i cant)

i keep almost ringing my xh and begging him to start again. but i know i woud regret it - for me at least not the dcs. cos he wont stop drinking or womanising will he. and he has said he doesnt want to come back anyway.

why does my mind keep doing this to me? i dont want to keep looking back. i know its destructive. i know its done now.

gosh this is rambling, sorry. i just want to find a way of moving on and get all this crap out of my head - or at least get a sensible handle on it..

other women i know going through this are just so glad to have their ex gone - and they werent half as bad - what does it mean that i do this?
thanks for reading..

Basically you haven't moved on yet. You are also suffering from cat string theory.

Until you move on totally it's never going to work with your BF. As for if you love your BF, I don't think you do. Even if you did, as an LP, reAlity often kyboshes our plans. I once had to finish with a girl I was totally in love with because I am a dad first and foremost.

I think this is normal to have these sort of feelings, but fgs dont contact him!
I know that dd would move out if I ever got back together with her violent and abusive father. And I would be crazy to do such a thing!
I still have yearnings after what I thought was the perfect relationship sometimes - even though I know it is all just a fantasy, and the reality was horrible.

cat string theory..yes you could be right. wow thats a major personality defect right there! i am off to lick my paws!

though on one of my other miserable posts niceguy, you did v kindly point out that i shouldnt give up a man i love cos of my son acting out.. which is also true..though i know this is a whole other scenario i am throwing out here..

anyway i will back off and give it all some thought..

but cat string..yes..i can see that and it kind of helps. maybe its just not being wanted anymore that i reallly cant stand, whether i want him or not. good point. and very helpful

No you shouldn't give up the man you love because of your son acting out. But then again you shouldn't be asking your ex back either when you are with the man "you love".

One thing I have learned though as a LP is that sometimes principles are a luxury we cannot afford.

Well, who wouldn't miss simplicity? You're dealing with a lot of complexity, and I think it's entirely understandable to be nostalgic for the neat little nuclear family that we've been told to aspire to all our lives.

This is going to sound banal, but I think you have to keep reminding yourself of all that is good about your current set-up - you have lots of people around you who love you, and you managed to distance yourself from the person who mistreated you. The situation may be messy, but it's a loving sort of chaos.

oh nicknametaken, thankyou for that...banal? not really - just well, simple and true isnt it..you are right...loving chaos, l like th esound of that and thats how i will start to think of it!!

Have a think about where you learned the idea that 'true love' involves beatings, dishonesty and constant high drama. or the idea that if you are a woman then the perfet real man is some sort of fuckup you can 'cure' with the power of lurrve. Because it sounds like those ideas are lurking in the back of your mind, and they are bullshit.

i know they are bullshit. i know that really.i am moving on. thank you

sez2068 have been in a similar situation for 17 years. Split up with my ex and father of my 2 DS's when he went off with his ex fiancee whilst i was pregnant with DS2. I loved him to bits,but could not cope with the fact that he had cheated,so i asked him to leave my house when ds's were 5 and 15months.

Cried every day for 5 years as i missed him so much. even though i found someone else and so did he. Have had a BF for 13 years but we live in seperate houses and hardly ever spend a night together It just doesnt have the same spark..........so i know what you mean when you say you miss what you had.we see each other for birthdays ,xmas,special events and i even went awya skiing with him 3 weeks ago. I miss what we had and cant imagine not seeing him again. Just wish he had never cocked up.

but you were strong enough never to ask him back despite that alypaly - why is that? cos thats so sad....and i dont want to do that. i suppose knowing what they did..it just isnt ever enough again is it?

i did ask him to come back for 5 years and he kept saying he would,but then he would chicken out at the eleventh hour and say he couldnt hurt his girlfriend. But he didnt mind hurting me and DS2 with all his broken promises.

Now the boot is on the other foot and he was made redundant 2 years ago,cant geta good job and now wants to come back and keeps telling me how much he loves me. Have i got MUG stamped on my forehead( i think not)
why is the greass always greener when things go wrong for them. His girlfriend has moved away and he hadrly sees her,so now he lonely....aww dear. now he knows how he made me feel and the boys. I would have had him back at the blink of an eye a few years ago,but not now, too much water under the bridge IYGWIM

yes iGWYM!!!!

and i think exactly the same about the times he rane me to say he was lonely when he was on his own and drinking and i said no cos he was still drinking...but as soon as he found someone else to put up with it all..well thats all he wanted, not me or the dcs..

have to keep remembering that. so, good for you and staying strong then...awful isnt it really, what fools they are..