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Please let me have your thoughts on this one.

4 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 07/04/2010 11:22

I am a working lone parent with two dcs, 6 and 3. Ex husband, after 16 years of being together, suddenly realised he wanted some one else, left when the dcs were 4 and 9 months old!

Like many of you I find that I don't have much time to spend with my dcs, and when I do I am cleaning, cooking, and doing all the grot jobs at home.

The children spend every other weekend with their father and one evening in the week, after which he drops them back at my mothers for a sleep over. This is for practical reasons as I am working. Every other Friday evening they go to his mothers for a tea and a sleepover.

My 3 year old is becoming quite shy and often asks when am I working, when is daddy coming, where is he sleeping tonight etc.

I was just wondering if anyone else is in the same situation where they feel that they are rarely with their children and whether you think this has a damaging effect on your children. If so what steps do you take to make sure your children feel as secure as they can be.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
notsohotchic · 07/04/2010 12:11

It's difficult isn't it?
My children were going to their dads 3/14 nights and tea times Weds. They also had a routine of going to Grandparents on Sats. Things completely changed for me at the end of November when my ex collapsed drunk with them in his care ( an alcoholic. I didn't know). Now I have the children (10, 7, 4) 13/14 nights and things are completely different. it has made my life much harder practically, because I am in the middle of a full time degree course, I don't drive etc. but I have to say that it made me realise that I had lost touch with my own children. Now I have a much clearer picture of exactly how they are doing and I am happy to have the weekend time back for doing fun things or just relaxing together. I was in a similar position to you before, and it must be harder for you because you probably don't have the holidays with them either. Don't know what to suggest / say except that I think children are more adaptable than people sometimes think, so don't worry. I found making quality one- to-one time with each of mine was very worthwhile and I wish I had made more of it for them and for me because I was missing out.

cestlavielife · 07/04/2010 12:17

sounds like she not too sure what is happening and when - and who is where.

can you make a big wall calendar for the week with a white board and stickers, - if you ahave ve magnetic white board you can buy stick on amgnets from art shop and put on back of photos - as well as being able tow rite with board marker. so she can see for the week what is happening and where she wil be and when - you could put days of weeks and have stickers - or use stick on magnets - use photos and pictures to who she will be with and what will be happening and when. does dad have his own house? what would make her confused about where he is sleeping? is she worried he has nowhere to sleep?

go from left to right with days of week - you could have it so the one on left is always today or if too much hassle start with monday - every day you go and say with her today is tuesday (or whatever) so you will sleep here with mummy - but tomorrow is wednesday you will sleep at granma's house --etc.

so days left to right, tehn under each day the schedule as visual timetable going from top morning to bottom night time .

so you would have pics of her, her sibling, granma, daddy, mummy, nursery, home , a bed etc - so she can visualise and see where her bed or herself will be each day and night.

so you would need multiple pictures of each main activity.

get your six year old to help you do the week schedule eg on sunday evening.

once they know exactly where they wil be and when and can visulaise it it will help cut down on anxiety and knowing what is happening when and with who. .

it will also help with learning to read and learning days of week too!! ie have picture of bed with word bed or sleep under it, wirite "mummy" under yur photo etc.

you could have a big star or whatever to show which day is "today" ie you do the schedule on sunday evening then each day you would move the star to "today" then go thru wiht her today is xxday, you will go to xx and xx and sleep at xxxx. then tomorrow is xx day and look you will go to xx and xx and sleeep at xxxx.

otherwise - also - try and cut on cleaning /cooking eg hire a cleaner - freeze meals, quick cook eg pasta...

mine are older and they do differentiate between the days when is routine afterschool club pick up evening, cooking etc - versus a "proper" day eg weekend when we can do other stuff. so yes i do know what you mean.... just try and plan days where you can leave cooking (just eat out of the fridge picnic food or they make cook and clean with you) and focus on nice stuff togetehr.

upsydaisy1974 · 07/04/2010 12:36

Thank you for your suggestions. I will certainly have a go at the chart - it is a really good idea!!

The sleepover at their paternal grand parents happens every other friday on the weekends he doesn't have the children. They love going there and I have explained to them repeatedly that if they don't want to go they don't have to. Every time I am met with the same answer, and I wouldn't make them go if they didn't want to.

My mother sees it very differently though and says I should stop them going as it is too much for my youngest one and that it is not necessary for them to go there for a sleepover once a fortnight, as it is another night they are away from home. The other times they aren't at home there is nothing I can do about.

I can't help thinking my mother is right, but don't want to upset the kids and my mother is a very strong woman who detests my ex inlaws with a passion. She would do anything to stop them going over there. Although my ex inlaws are a waste of space, they do dote on the dcs and they have a wonderful time together.

I'm not sure really what to do.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/04/2010 13:23

is might not be necessary but you say they have a wonderful time with their grandaprents - that is something to be cherished. dont know how old the gps are but they wont be around for ever...

it is a routine they have now - gives you a night off.... theya lso stay with your mother - is she suggesting they drop that night sleepover too? she cannot argue one gp yes but not the other too?

if children enjoy and love it why stop?

is about the childrens views - not your mothers on this one.... i think.

and if you use that time to do housework and stuff and rest then you can give them full attention on the rest of the weekend....

if you stop the in laws sleepover then you logically would have to stop your mother's sleepover too...

if you all live close by it isnt a problem until the children say so - i think the issue is the 3 year old is not sure which day is which - but try a schedule/calendar first and see if it helps.

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