How do you cope when your ex isn't bothered and you have no-one else........

[ToccataAndFudge]

to take the DC even for a couple of hours.

I know it's "only" been a month, but I'm at the end of my wits end now.

and before anyone says it yes I know some people have had years of it

you forget about the ex comepletlcompletely and you need to find other back up in form of friends/relatives/nighbours/paid childminder or baby sitter.

how old is DC?

there must be someone you can use - or even a formal creche for a couple hours eg at local sports centre or surestart centre if under five.

or go to ikea and leave him in the ball pond for couple hours...

I can't forget about him completely, and neither will they, he's only on the next street and they see his house every single time they go to/leave school.

DS's are 9,6 and nearly 3

Why doesn't he have anything to do with his children ?

What "should have been" is that he should have been having them once a fortnight like he did when we separated first time round......like I told the DS's would happen.

There are no nursery places for kids in special circumstances, only thing on offer to me where I could have a bit of time to myself at the end of last year (when the initial child safety agreement was in place) was the creche at the gym, for an hour.

There are a few - I had a list of all of them as provided by our FSW/my carer support assistant, but I threw it away recently.

They're all so expensive and miles away as well.

He does have a nursery place for 4 mornings a week from September, but it feels like such a long way away

Hang on in there. You're still in the really early stages of post break-up, so what you're feeling is probably as much emotional exhaustion with that as much as being a single parent, even though it's all tied up together.

It does get easier, but I know that's no consolation to you right now. All you can do now is concentrate on the little things you can do to make life easier for yourself right now.

The main one is making sure you get a good bedtime routine going so that you get some time to yourself every evening. This saved my sanity when I first split from my ex.

THe other one, which might be a bit harder, is to lean on your friends. You can't always make the kids behave better, or get as much sleep as you need, or come home to magically find the house cleaned, but you can keep it in perspective by having a good moan to your friends about it. Often just getting it off your chest is enough to make you feel better about everything. If your friends are busy, use MN. I have quite a large number of single parent friends, so we will often get together at each other's houses overnight, put the kids to bed and open a bottle of wine. Cheap night, no babysitters required and great opportunity for a good laugh/moan.

But don't give yourself a hard time. After a month things can often feel worse. The initial adrenalin rush that sustained you through the first few week or so has worn off and you probably feel more tired than ever right now. Everything is still very raw and not enough time has passed for you to have been able to make any significant changes or get on top of anything. But you will, and then you'll feel strong and capable and a million times better. Just grit your teeth and power through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Optimist - I was a single parent for 18 months (ending last Spring) so single parenthood isn't much of a shock to me - I knew what it would be like already.

They alreayd have a good bedtime routine, but DS3 still wakes in the night at least once (and it can be any time from 10pm onwards) so I can't relax

I have depression and probably PSTD (doctor refusing to discuss that until my mood is under control - only just started on the AD's......should have really gone on them months ago)

You really need to look at friends and relatives. It's the only way really.

I have a boyfriend (recommend one of those) but he lives 50 miles away and works away too. But I'm on my own with no family and 5 dc, so HAVE to rely on friends. Luckily, eldest is nearly 16 so can rely on her a bit

it's tough..... I know...... Hope it gets better for you soon

Well on the plus side, having done it for 18 months already, at least you know you are more than capable of handling this.

On the negative, dealing with all this while suffering from depression must be really debilitating, so I really feel for you.

My best friend has bi-polar and during depressive episodes she has days where she literally can't get off the sofa. She's described it as feeling as though her limbs are made of lead and that she's looking at life through a gauze blanket. It sounds horrific and she has my undying respect for forcing herself to function while feeling like this. If this is how you feel, you have my respect too.

I hope I don't cause offence, but you sound a little defensive, like you're expecting people to tell you 'it's not that bad' or that you just need to 'get on with it'. I don't think you'll find anything other than sympathy and support here, but unfortunately it is true that the only person who can improve your situation is yourself, although hopefully with a little help from the ADs, your Dr, your RL friends and your posts on here. It's human nature to want to offer advice along with support - it's not mean to devalue what you're feeling but to help. I don't think anyone would disagree that being you is really hard right now and I'm sure everyone hopes it gets easier.

When DS3 wakes, is he up for long? I got round night-waking by co-sleeping, but I appreciate thats not a solution that would appeal to everyone and only works if the child is looking for reassurance and isn't fully awake.

I've got to go now but I'll check back in later. I'll be thinking of you.

Last time round he had them once a fortnight, right from the start of the split. And he wasn't even living in the same town then, nor did he have loads of free time as he was working......now he's not currently working, and he lives round the corner.

I guess I was kind of expecting people to tell me jst to get on with it, I know there are others on here that have had it much worse than me, and had no support for much longer

I do have a couple of friends who let me let of f steam to them, and they're supporting me with the depression and PSTD, but they can't help with helping me have a break, I don't want long just an hour or two.

He's not awake for long, when he wakes up, it was an issue that arose last September whereby someone had to lie with him while he went to sleep, and then again when he woke up.

Eventually XH and I just started taking it in turns to sleep in their (DS2 and 3 share a room) room on the sofa bed, and he'd climb in with us. Then by Christmas I was in there everynight. I couldn't sleep in there and it was completely screwing up my evenings as I frequently fell asleep as well when putting him down.

Toccata, do you know why your XH isn't bothered about seeing them this time round? Is there a significant reason for this or do you think it's more the case that he will want to see them at some point in the not-too-distant-future just not right now? If it's the latter, then is there any possibility you can talk to him and arrange for him to take the children for a couple of hours? (or email or write if talking is still too painful and might result in a row) In an ideal world I know the onus shouldn't be on you to do this, that he should want to do it himself, but maybe ends are more important than means right now.

I imagine you've probably had your fill of health professionals right now, but if you can face it, try having a good long talk with your HV. A good HV can make all the difference and could help you find a solution to DS3's sleeping problems and may even be able to deal with sure start on your behalf to arrange for you to get a much-needed break.

With your friends, are you sure they can't help out for an hour or two? I ask this because I am often guilty of not asking my friends because I think it is asking too much, whereas they have told me that they are more than happy to help out. When you have depression you can often isolate yourself from friends and offers of help. I have a full-time job and 3-year-old twins but I am more than happy to look after my friends' children (plural) for a couple of hours when needed, and they the same for me and for their other friends. Sometimes all you have to do is ask.

From a few things you've said in your posts, there is obviously a bit of a backstory going on that is making your situation even more difficult. As I don't know what that is, I might not be giving you appropriate advice, in which case I'm sorry but you have my sympathy. It all sounds very draining and I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

HV was already a great help - saw her just before I moved and she gave me advice on how to get DS3 going to sleep on his own, and when to tackle it (ie straight away when I moved) which I did. And it is HUGELY improved from where we were a month ago today. He does still usually wake up the once though still.

tbh I@m not sure there's much else can be done until he's a little bit older and proper "bribeable" age

You're right - there is a backstory, a very long one

My friends already do a lot for me, and I really don't feel I can ask anymore of them. I think if it were more than 3 of them that allow me to use them as sounding boards (and do lovely things such as buy flowers and chocolates for the DS's to give to me on Mothers Day - which was also my birthday - and refuse to take any credit for it) I would probably be more inclined to ask them.

And one of them is the sort of person who just doesn't say no.......to anyone so is always snowed under with other people's children, running errands for people, being a sounding board for people.........I keep telling her that she's got to learn to say no sometimes as she's often straining under it all, but she won't.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but just how I see things from your posts. You are coping, you sound like you are doing a great job, you need to give yourself a big pat on the back and be proud of yourself for managing in shitty circumstances.

You just need to grin and bear it all till september when you know you will be getting a regular break. And moan on here as much as you like.