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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

am I being selfish to want some time to myself????

11 replies

whitetulips · 05/04/2010 17:24

I am new to this, have been separated for a month, dd is 15, and ds is 12.
So far, ds has gone to exH 3 weekends, and dd on the other one. So every weekend, and obviously every week day, I have at least 1 child.
Am I being unreasonable to expect the children to go together at least some of the time?
DD would rather not go every weekend, as she like to see her friends, and the boys go to football as they have season tickets.
So how can I work it so that I get a little bit of time to myself, even 24 hours a month, and is that an unreasonable thing to expect?
How on earth am I going to build up any kind of life for myself if I always am responsible for them?
I know they are old enough to be left for a while at home but that is not really the point is it?

OP posts:

kdk · 05/04/2010 18:28

Are you being selfish - mmm, don't know - you get only one child each weekend or so ...

My view is - and some/many will disagree - that we choose to become parents in whichever circumstances we find ourselves in - the circumstances may change but our choice doesn't. Part of that choice to become a parent is to take on the responsibility for the children we have - and that sometimes may involve sacrifice or feeling that unreasonable demands are being met. So on balance I'd say yes you are being unreasonable - you may have a right to ask for child-free time, you don't have a right to have it. Have you tried asking your x/your kids and explaining your feelings?

If it makes you feel any better, I am a single mother to five-year-old twins - their father does not live in this country and I have not had a child free day since their birth. Would I like a child free weekend? You betcha! Do I expect one/think I have a right to one? To be blunt, no.

JeezyPeeps · 05/04/2010 18:45

I don't think you are being selfish. Their dad is perfectly capable of taking both at once. But it sounds like he hasn't had any weekends to himself either? Maybe you need to discuss with him how you can make this work better for both of you, so you can both have weekends off once in a while.

kdk, to be fair whitetulips circumstances are significantly different to yours, and she has more chance to have child-free weekends. Also, the choice that we make to take on the responsibility of a child is a joint choice with both mother and father playing an equal part. So under reasonable circumstances it isn't unreasonable to expect the father to play a significant (if not equal) role in childcare. I find it interesting that you say she is being unreasonable to want some time to herself, yet at the end of your response you say "Would I like a child free weekend? You betcha!"

kdk · 05/04/2010 19:10

Didn't say it was unreasonable to want - but feel wants and expects are SLIGHTLY but SIGNIFICANTLY different. I want to win the Euromillions, I really really do - do I expect to win it - mmmm, let me think about it ... no, not really.

I agree with you that in a fair and just world OP's x would take both but let's face it, it isn't ...

As I said, think first thing is to discuss it with kids/ex h and see if you can together work something out that works for all of you - and be happy you've got the chance of doing that!

Earlybird · 05/04/2010 19:23

Did you have time to yourself before the separation from your dp?

i understand that, in theory, you were able to go out on your own/with mates without worrying about childcare.

Is your dp willing/able to have both children at once? Does he have the room for them where he is living?

JeezyPeeps · 05/04/2010 19:24

kdk - sorry, I misconstrued what you said - I thought you were answering her opening line, but I see now the question you were answering was in the text.

Apologies!

ToccataAndFudge · 05/04/2010 19:30

YANBU

I know how you feel.

I separated from exH a month ago as well.

I have played at church "childfree".....but he's not actually had them for that time at all (they're 9,6 and nearly 3)........

And yes - he has the space, yes - he had all 3 children on his own before we split, no - he's not busy with work (he's unemployed) and no he's no in another country - he's on the next street.

He rang me just over a week ago and offered to have them for a couple of days this week...........and that was the last mention of it.

Original poster

whitetulips · 05/04/2010 19:30

yes I did have some time to myself before we separated, and he probably does not have room at the moment.
He will be getting the keys to his own place this week, and he will have more than enough space, so the discussions about visiting will happen this week, I just wanted to canvas opinion now about whether a weekend child free now and again is a reasonable expectation.

He does have every week night, ie the 'just got home from work, need to cook tea, supervise homework, get children to bed at reasonable time for school' free, which I don't!
I also did not choose to be traded in for a younger foreign model, but would like the chance to 'find myself' as he has already done!

OP posts:

MitsubishiWarrioress · 05/04/2010 19:43

YANBU.

I am quite precious about a bit of 'me' time.

Yes, I chose to have DC's. But I CHOSE to have the with a man who was supposed to take shared responsibility for their upbringing, from de-nitting, reading, washing, tantrums.... I did not CHOOSE to be a lone parent is overwhelming and exhausting doing it by yourself, and I think you are beholden to your children to have some time to refuel, become well rounded and fulfilled so that you have lots to give to them.

You get 'caring' fatigue of you do not get a break where you are not solely responsible for the DC's, and for me, I am a better Mum for getting a little breathing space.

matarij · 27/04/2010 23:39

My ex had our son overnight once in 18 years, and had him for a few hours once a month on a Sunday. So, I got together with friends who were single parents and we worked out a system to give ourselves some time. In answer to whitetulip's question - YES YES YES - you are absolutely entitled to some time to yourself, in the same way that parents who stay together regularly go and do stuff separately, whether it is a visit to the gym, meeting a friend for coffee, or going out for a drink in the evening - I would go as far as to say that if you don't get the time it will have a detrimental effect on your parenting skills. So sort out some reliable childcare with people you trust and go and have some time off and don't feel guilty - you deserve every second of it.

HanBanan · 28/04/2010 09:15

YANBU, but you aren't going to get it I'm afraid.

You'll relax into it though and learn to stop feeling annoyed that the ex gets all this free time. Your kids are older too so although that doesn't make it easier, you could let them go to friends for sleepovers etc and get some free time that way perhaps.

It's a strange time just after the split, but you'll get used to it and even enjoy it.

cestlavielife · 28/04/2010 09:35

agree to focus on your dcs going to sleepovers and spnding time tiwh your relatives/friends etc to get your free time - rather than relying on/getting resentful of your ex.

as you say - in few years time they will be even more independent anyway.

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