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Should I be dubious of ex's new found pleasant behaviour????

12 replies

new2this30 · 05/04/2010 14:56

Hi,

Ex husband (divorced 5 years ago) didn't see out now 10 yr old son for 4 years. However, he now claims that I ignored his efforts to see his son :s

Now, my ex has rung to apologise fo rhis behaviour and had some kind of confession over the phone with me - baring in mind we didn;t speak at all!

He has also asked if his new gfriend of 3 months can meet our soon. So far, I have said not yet as if is too soon. She also has a son.

Anyways, my ex is now asking to take my son out more (when it was 4 hours a week initially) and I'm thinking it is in the hope that I'll soon agree to our son meeting his gfriend.

My ex is now talking about the past with me and making jokes (being the COMPLETE opposite of how he has been for the last 5 years).

Friends say that there is an altera motive for his niceness.

I'm guessing its either guilt, trying to impress this new gfriend of a way back in???

Anyone experienced this?

Thanks in advance for answering.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 05/04/2010 18:26

Yeah, it sounds to me like he wants to be seen to be a great dad, and hoping that his son and his new gf's son get on to help cement that relationship.

There probably is an ulterior motive.

BUT doesn't your son deserve to get to know his dad better? And don't you deserve some time to yourself? As long as he is being good to your ds, then I think seeing him more is a good thing.

As far as meeting the new gf is concerned though, I don't think I could give a balanced answer. I recently left my xp (my choice), and couldn't bear the thought of him introducing my kids to a new woman. But then it has only been a month, and in your case it has been five years.

Tanga · 05/04/2010 19:35

People change.

I'm not saying your ex has but I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think it is really positive that he has approached you in this way and he isn't taking anything for granted (eg asking if you're ok with the girlfriend thing).

Good Luck!

RedBlueRed · 05/04/2010 19:47

I would be dubious too and certain there is an ulterior motive but it might not be detrimental to you or ds.

Sounds like the new gf is a good influence and worth cultivating a good relationship with if she can prevent the nastiness of the last 5 years recurring?

Whatever, its progress isn't it?

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2010 21:00

He's told his new GF that he has a son. To stop her saying, "Er, so why do you never see your son?" and perhaps dumping him for being such a selfish arse, he is now trying to suddenly do everything he knows he should have been doing all along. Ugh. Twunt.

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2010 21:02

It's not a way back in to a relationship with you. Sorry. He sounds v keen on this new GF.

TheSteelFairy2 · 06/04/2010 12:32

Oh he is obviously in honeymoon phase of his new relationship and happy as can be. Give it time. Agree he is not wanting to be seen as a selfish twunt who does not see his child in front of his new GF who herself has a child and probably would not be able to comprehend this.

However she may be the woman for him and it may last, too early to say at this stage really.

I doubt it though. Leopards and all that.

I must say though when I dated someone briefly after splitting with exh I found out he had a child whom he had no contact with and I have to say I was put off him. My money is on him trying to present a good impression to his new GF.

cestlavielife · 06/04/2010 15:00

take it at face value but treat him as a work colleague - be pleasant and civil back but dont go overboard.

your son is 10 - i think he is old enough to cope with the idea and to meet the new girlfriend on a formal basis eg meal or trip out etc . so long as everyone is open and truthful about the relationship and his dad gives him soem time to express his views/feelings too.

if new GF is haiving good influence -well good news for your son...

jsut be ready to pick up pieces again (ie contact may be cut back again) if it goes all wrong.

.

lairymum99 · 06/04/2010 19:42

Agree with Beautiful - it's the gf he's trying to impress. And who knows, she may be a civilising influence on him and actually open his eyes to what he's been missing.

My advice would be to let him see his son but set firm boundaries. Monitor the situation over the next few weeks and see how it goes. I guess you owe your son the chance to get to know his dad.

What does your son say?

oldraver · 07/04/2010 15:55

I have to agree with others.. if I ever met a person who wasnt having contact with their DC's it would cloud my judgement of them. So I reckon at worst its a "ooh look at me I'm a perfect Dad"

Though you could be wrong and he has grown up the new relationship has made his realise what an arse he is being... and what he has missed out on

cuteboots · 28/09/2010 13:43

I have a very similar situation going on. My ex has just resurfaced after 3 years and thinks he can pick up where he left off! He still comes out with the same patter that he was using all those years ago and because Im currently single Im like a sitting duck during hunting season. The reason I stopped all contact was due to the fact he left drugs in my house and I can never forgive him for that. Im probably not helping matters as I feel Im being too nice and need to toughen up. Im totally amazed that he thinks he can stroll back in and try to carry on regardless but Im not tough enough to tell him to do one!! Grrrrr

Antalya1 · 29/09/2010 15:21

I think that although there definatly is an alterior motive here...connected to new GF..trying to impress on her what a great Dad he is etc. etc. He is still your Ds's Dad and so the relationship sould be encouraged...however I do think that prior to any of this happening you need to sit down with ex and emphasis the importance of him being a constant in DS life, so regardless of what happens with GF the contact still remains and bridges are built.

gillybean2 · 30/09/2010 03:06

No, this is in no way a way back in with you. Why would you think it was? Do you perhaps still have feelings for this man?

Do be careful please. I know people here are saying it's positive and should be encouraged, and on some level I do agree with that. You don't want him turning round to his new gf and saying 'see, she makes it impossible, this is why i've not seen my child...'. Because he will be trying to make it look like he's the good guy here.

But it does certainly sound like this has all come about because of the new gf. As a single parent herself she probably wouldn't want someone who can walk away from their own child. She's more than likely questioning his role as a father and encouraging him to try again (he's no doibt said how impossible it all was trying to remain civil with you). And he's taken that on board becase he's trying to impress her. So this is mostly about her and unfortunately not very much to do with your ds.

So your ds is in the middle here and isn't really the reason for his change of heart. I don't think people change that dramatically, and certainly not overnight. Is he paying child support? If he isn't, or isn't paying enough now would be the time to raise that issue, so he can prove that he's genuine in wanting to accept his responsibilities to his child, and the gf will not let him wriggle out of it (having been there herself most likely).

But before you go ahead with all this please ask yourself some important questions....
What will happen to your ds when his dad decides he can't play happy families any more? Or he sees the new gf's child gets all the time and attention he doesn't get from his own dad, how will he feel then!? And what happens when he turns around and drops him like a hot potato if the relationship ends. Or he starts phoning you to blame you for any behaviour ohe or the gf doesn't approve of when perhaps your ds is trying to get his attention, or is reacting to teh situation, or just doesn't get the new gf's rules, or your ex finds he can't deal with the invasion of his space and time simply by your ds being there...

Please tread carefully because this has the potential to seriously affect your ds's self esteem and confidence if his dad lets him down big time here. Does your ex understand that. Does he really understand that.

So ask your ex what it is he is proposing. You could even say you believe this change of heart is becuase of the new gf and that while that is a good thing you need reassurance that he will maintain the relationship with ds regardless of the new gf, not simply because of it.

Ask for confirmation that he will spend time getting to know ds and time together, not simply be invited to keep the gf's own child company.

He's probably going to say the right things now anyhow, whether he means them or not lets hope you never have to find out.

I think you need to be aware that there are potential pitfalls here for your ds and be ready to listen to what he wants and support him through this. At 10 he will clearly see that he has been ignored all these years while this new child gets to spend time with his dad and that could raise issues for him depending on the level of input that other child is now getting from him.

But yes you must try for your ds's sake, if that is what he wants to do. Just be ready to deal with it all when/if it all falls apart.

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