I was with my husband for just under 10 years, he was my first love and we have 2 children a 6yo ds and 2yo dd.
We were very happy and in love with all the trimmings, then in 2006 we moved away for a fresh start, I think he just moved because I wanted to, although I said he had to be 100% sure he wanted to move, he said he was. We were happy for a year or so I thought, little things started to change like he always wanted to see his friends or if I didn't tell him what I wanted for dinner he wouldn't cook anything, he stopped being spontaneous and worst of all he didn't spend any time with the kids unless I said something. Our daughter was born December 2007 and from the start he didn't get up during the night with her unless I kicked him and told him to get up and on his days off he never once said you have a lie in and I'll get up with the kids. I went back to work and dd was still not sleeping through the night so I had to get up with her at various intervals, then got to work at 5am til 10am then spend all day with dd while ds went to school. It all came to a halt early 2009 when I was just sick and tired of making all the decisions, pretty much doing everything myself and not getting any affection or help from him, his idea of romance was coming in from work and saying 'fancy a shag' not really my cup of tea.
So I built up the courage and asked him to leave, over the following months he was really good and did everything for the kids, helping me when he could and basically being a good dad, he asked if I would ever take him back but in all honesty the love had gone and I couldn't see us making a try of it. So I told him no. This was in July 2009 and we didn't see or hear from him again til October 2009 when he had the kids for a few hours, the next time they saw him was over christmas when he had them for a total of 6 1/2 hours over 2 days.
We had both moved back to our hometown and he is now living with his parents, they hate me but then the feelings mutual and they take no interest in my children whatsoever. I have recently got my own house again after living with my mum and I said to ex that he can come to mine and see the kids as I didn't want them going to his parents. I wanted my children to have a really good relationship with their dad and I try really hard to not nag and moan at him about how he is. But it's just getting too much now and I don't know if its just me expected too much or being unreasonable.
The way it is I work fulltime to support me and the 2 kids, he works 2 nights at the weekend and doesn't pay me a penny, I can't remember the last time he gave me any money. He used to come in the mornings to take dd to nursery so I could catch the bus to work, but I could quite easily take her myself and get a taxi to work, I just wanted him to be involved, then we made an arrangement for him to come over Sunday afternoon and have kids for a few hours but he wasn't turning up til 5pm when dd goes to bed at 6.30pm. I just feel like he is doing the bare minimum and not supporting is children at all. I mean don't get me wrong if I ask him to do something he will be there or is ds has a school function and I can't be there I can ask his dad and he will always go but why should I have to ask him to do something, he never offers, he never spends any quality time with them and dare I admit it but I don't get a break from them.
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if my feelings are justified but I feel like telling him that he needs to step up and support his kids, emotionally and financially, just be there for them, we haven't heard from him for a week now. When he came over one evening beginning of last week our dd who used to be such a daddy's girl wouldn't even let him give her a bath or put her to bed, she wanted me to do it.
And am I wrong in wanting to backtrack on him coming to my house, I offered as I wanted him to be involved but the way it is, he walks in the door, yes he quietly knocks but then walk straight in then he'll just sit there and watch the kids playing, but now that they don't want him to do anything, they want me to do it whats the point of him being there?
I know I should say this to him and tell him to bloody well knock and wait for me to let him in, but I don't want to cause a huge arguement and the kids to go for months again before seeing him, although he doesn't really do much.
As you can probably tell from reading this I'm just really confused and don't know what to do for the benefit of the kids, do I carry on with whats happening and resenting it or tell him its all or nothing?
Thanks for reading xx