gardenpath, thankyou - cos you are the first person to acknowledge that the tears may be genuine and i do honestly feel that he is really truly upset.
i do know why he is upset - its cos one night over xmas dp stayed over with his kids and long, long after they were all asleep (we thought) - like gone midnight - well we were in bed and very quietly, in the dark - well you know and suddenly ds burst in and threw on teh light and obviously knew what had been going on and totally freaked.
ever since then he hates him. so in a sense its cos he realises that my dp is more than a friend, also its just a weird and horrid thing for a 12 year old to deal with. it was the worst possible thing to have happened. just awful. it was very hard to handle well though god we tried.
ds said dad and his gf dont do that. i said ofcourse they do (subsequently talking to his dad his dad also did the talk about how thats what aduolts in loving relationships do etc) i tried to make a joke ofit, like even granny and grandad do that, yuck, etc - but he just thought it was awful. obviously.
the thing is we had tried over two years to be really considerate of the dcs feelings, never even held hands in front of them for over a year. so its awful that all of that was undone in a second.
no he didnt ask for that amd thats the worst thing but then neither did i - xh a serially unfaithful alcoholic, emotionally abusive, constantly on sex lines, escort websites, posting on singles websites - it was my decision to throw him out but i thought, im halfway through my life can i live with this any more? course i wish i had just put up with it now
but we have been amicable for the dcs, no probs with access, dad stayed at xmas etc i do try put the dcs first.
but should just add i do really love my dp and honestly never knew a man could be so considerate loving and kind. i have never been treated like that and he is so good and patient with my ds.and has never spoken harshly to him.
ds is fine with dad and gf and they are goinbg on hoiday with them to france for easter. he says its ok for dad cos he 'doesnt have to live with him and gf'
ds talks well of teh fun stuff he does with his dad and gf. grrrrr. i mean, i am pleased for him but wish it could be the sanme here.
my heart tells me i should put ds first vbut
then i am losing a man i truly love and that hurts - one day ds will be all wrapped up in friends and gfs and i dont want to be on my own tbh.
dont think dad has said anything negative to him, he is fine about my relationship, allows him not to feel guilt about his life and the dcs have seen all of us together, when we drop them off or pick up and i make a point of chatting nicely to the gf so dcs can see theres no problem.
i imagine he thinks his life is ruined cos his family broken up. he just really wants me to be on my own so its just the three of us. thats what he says.
last night was fairly awful i was probably a bit harsh with him cos so weary of teh tears and feel terrible about that now - i was so tired this morning i didnt send him off to school with much loving kindness. i will need to make up for that later. god help me i even said maybe you should live with your dad. i should never have said that. but so tired and worn down.
hey ho.
your post was so kind and perceptive, thankyou - cos i try to see it as a power thing but yes, i do know that he cries from genuine unhappiness.