ds not wanting to go to dad's house

[popcorn123]

Hi

ds2 (4)has never really been that happy to go to his dad's. ds1 is usualy OK about it. They have about 3 overnights/month and maybe one afternoon as well. Ex does not see them during the week at all as he says he can't mange with work.

I left ex 2 years ago as I couldn't tolerate his emotional abuse and destroying the house/threatening suicide. His role in dc's life minimal particulalry ds2. He is IMO disinterested in dc's - I doubt if he know the same of their nursery or school or anythng about their day to day life. He likes having themover at the weekend where they play xbox but he takes them to his mums for meals/bath etc.

They last few times ds2 has begged me not to take him and cries and comes up with lots or varying reasons why he doesn't want to go.
The main reasons (speaking to ds1 as well) seem to be - constant playing of computer games of ex's choice and not allowed to use tv for other purpuse, not allowed to do anything else and ridiculous discipline (which was also a problem before I left e.g wanting to punish 11m for eating crumbs of floor) ds1 told me that ds2 was "bad" because he didn't finish his breakfast cereal. Basically they are scared of him.

ex has refused to discuss this with me and I tried to discuss it many times before I left and got nowhere. He believes he is a great dad and any problems are mine.

He is better when he goes with ds1 but really upset on the odd occassion he has to go wothout his brother.

Wha should I do?
How can I determine whether this is him wanting more control over his life or a genuine problem with his dad that I should do something about. He goes to nursery while I work no problem and is good a mixinn normally but can be a bit shy with new people.

What's your relationship like with his parents? Or are there any mutual friends who may be able to have a discrete word?

Often we don't like an ex pointing out how they think we should parent but a third party dropping some subtle hints may work.

At 4, DS2 is too young to have a real say in the matter. Especially when the issues at hand are not safety related but more discipline/boredom related.

Yes I could speak to his family - I try not to comment but it is hard when ds2 is awake the night before upset and then apprehensive before he goes. I try to not get too concerned.

Will see how I get on with his family.

yes ask his mum if you can how they are?

My DD (9) sometimes has "wobbles" about going to her dad. He lives 3 hours way and she hates the journey. Luckily she only goes every 3 weeks but it is a long way for her. I made a promise to her that I would never MAKE her go. But hand on heart I never try and talk her out of going and when she wobbles I do my utmost to gently pursuade her. Ex seems to think I try and wind her up but honestly I would prefer to see her go with a smile on her face
I think your child needs to know they can trust you and that you will be there to keep them safe.

Thanks

He went this morning, just for the day. Mentioned it lots yesterday, he seemed fine. This morning lots of tears, wouldn't go in to the car, then crying again when he got to his dad's. It is so distressing and I feel awful handing him over. ds1 is OK.
He went though a phase a little while ago where I said I wouldn't force him and he always changed his mind and went later then ds1 so I wondered how much he meant it although this time he is worse.

I think I will go back to not forcing him but encourgaing him to go and see what happens.

Popcorn it's a really difficult situation, and I am in the same position as you. My advice to you is that if your contact is via a court order, then get it varied via them.

I stopped contact last year because my DS1 is so scared of his dad, there was an incident at handover where he was physically and verbally abusive to me as well.

Anyway, we are back in court: he is trying to get the contact order reinstated and I am trying to get contact at the contact centre only. The fact I stoppped contact without referring it back to court was my mistake, they don't like you doing this.

I've made the same promise to my boys that I'll never MAKE them go, but I will be asking the court when I go next month what I'm supposed to do in that situation.

I'll post back on here if I get an answer to that one.

However, my x was verbally abusive to my boys in the contact centre and he has now been refused until he can explain himself, so, whilst this was deeply distressing for the boys and the other families, it has added credibility to my side of the story.

Make lots of notes about EVERY incident that happens, write in lots of detail about how your chidren felt, as this may be useful if you ever need it. I've got a file of over 100 emails I've indexed, I've written up every time anything happens and it's my evidence at court.

Hi popcorn123, what's your own gut feeling on it? You obviously left your ex for very good reasons. Children can't make that choice at this age but you know better than anyone the type of environment your ex is creating for both children when they visit.

Has your DS given you specific reasons as to what upsets him so much? Do you think he might also have a fear that something will happen to you whilst he's with his Dad and then he would have to remain there?

So much goes on in a child's mind that they can't effectively communicate to you. If your ex is one of those men who thinks it's always someone else who's at fault, I can imagine you find yourself in an impossible situation.

But you're the primary carer for your children and you're the one who has to deal with the day to day stuff and the aftermath of a visit. So don't be afraid to make decisions that you know are best for your child, no matter what your ex thinks. I'm sure it's very easy for him to blame you, far easier than accepting responsibility himself.

Are you in a position to get professional advice at all? In the meantime, maybe just reassure your DS that you won't make him go, if he doesn't want to.

Good luck.

Hi
Thanks for all your thoughts. When he came back yesterday he was fine, happy and no problems but they had spend all day at his mums which I think explains that.
His older brother was much better at explaining his feeling at this age, ds2 doesn't explain himself very well.

One of the reasons I left him was his treatment of dc - aggressive, outbursts were usually infront of them, had no regard that they were terrified.

As he only really sees them for short periods I thought he was coping but maybe not.

Twice ds2 has come home with bruising on his side like a gab mark with fingers on him. Tried lots of gentle discussions with ds's as to whether anything happened e.g had daddy got angry, had he tried to stop ds2 falling somewhere -got nowhere. As briues could have be explained by fall, genuinely trying to stop him falling (he is a climber) etc and I knew speaking to ex wouldn't get anywhere.

All access is arranged between us at the moment. I will be filing for divirce soon as hopefully will make things more formal.

I would like to chat to a professional about this to try and determine if my concerns are genuine as whether this is normal for his age and his family set up. Does anyone have any idea who I could speak to about his?

Yes I have documented most things about contact since we split and kept emails etc but of course his emails are very polite, he saves all his nastiness for me when no one else there!

I will go back to not forcing him to go, althouh encouraging him and see how I get on.

I don't know if its any help my SIL contacted a child advocasy centre who assessed my DN and his father and advised the courts on the childs behalf that overnight visits were too stressfull at the time and have given them a 18 mth break..

The child advocacy centre sounds like a good option. You need a family therapist I think who would, as an initial step, give you advice. They would also be able to give you a valuable insight into your child's perspective. Then, if required, the person would meet with your DS.

It's very useful to have professional opinion to fall back on in a court scenario.

Good luck.